


This Is Our Second Skin

by SeraphStarshine



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Artist Gerard Way, Biting, Blow Jobs, Crossdressing, Drag Queens, Eventual Smut, Female Ryan Ross, Fluff, Gender Issues, Hair-pulling, Masturbation, Multi, Rimming, Transgender, drag queen brendon urie, drag queen frank iero
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-04-29 17:54:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 69,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5137169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphStarshine/pseuds/SeraphStarshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Gerard is an awkward fuck who likes women's clothing more than he probably should and Frankie is the drag queen who has stolen Gerard's heart.</p><p>There is only one problem - Frankie doesn't know Gerard exists, and Gerard isn't doing anything to correct that unfortunate oversight, no matter how badly he wants to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gay Sex Is Better Than Fresh Donuts

Gerard kept telling himself he wouldn't go back to the club, and even if he did, it would only be for a drink, and not to see  _her_ , but that was exactly where he found himself on the night of her next performance, perched on his usual barstool and trying his hardest not to drool as she took the stage.

This club was more of a theater than a bar, with nightly performances ranging from poetry readings to new bands trying to find their footing somewhere, to the famous drag queen night that was now Gerard's favorite. Gerard had always liked this club, even before he had discovered Frankie's existence, but now that he had, he was here weekly instead of every now and then.

He hadn't missed one of her performances yet, and even though he had work in the morning, and he would probably end up regretting this tomorrow when he was drifting off at his desk, Gerard knew if he had stayed home, he would be up all night bemoaning the fact that he hadn't gone to the club to see Frankie.

When the lights dimmed slightly, Gerard leaned forward on his seat eagerly until he was in danger of toppling off the stool, but he didn't care. He was desperate for his first glimpse of Frankie, a week had been too long without her gorgeous visage gracing his eyes, and even though Gerard realized how weird that sounded, he was past the point of caring.

Gerard felt his breath catch in his chest when she walked into the spotlight, everything else around him faded out, and the entire world was composed of Frankie. She swayed up to the microphone confidently, rocking her six inch heels and tight slinky dress better than any biological woman Gerard had ever met.

Frankie was  _stunning_  - no other adjective could describe her better, and if Gerard met her on the street, he would definitely have thought that she was a real woman. She just looked so feminine, even though he knew most of that was because of the padding and makeup.

Her dress was black tonight, covered in soft sequins that shimmered every time she moved, and her neon purple pumps stood out brightly against the otherwise dark ensemble. Her makeup was flawless - as always, her winged eyeliner and painted lips drawing attention to her best features. Her wig was long and full, black in color - like usual, but it was styled more elegantly than Gerard had ever seen it before, and he felt his brain shortening out at her beauty.

If Gerard had to pick his favorite thing about Frankie though, it would be her  _tattoos;_ the full sleeves and neck pieces should have made her look more masculine and ruined the illusion, but it didn't. Gerard could lose himself in her ink, and he ached to know what was hidden underneath the thin dress, because he would bet good money that there was more body art under the silky material, but he would never find out.

The first chords of the song Frankie was performing began to play, and Gerard recognized it instantly; it was Yesterday by The Beatles, which was one of Gerard's favorite songs, but Frankie could literally just stand there and mumble into the microphone and Gerard would be enthralled.

Frankie wasn't as theatrical as some of the performances that were hosted at this club, but she had a very loyal following, and even though Gerard enjoyed some of the more showy acts, Frankie would always be his favorite.

Gerard wasn't sure why he had such a fascination with Frankie, but he  _did_ , and it was quickly turning into an obsession instead of simply mild interest. She was just so perfect, and Gerard honestly didn't know if he wanted to sleep with her, or  _be_ her.

Gerard had never thought a drag queen would be his type, but from the first moment he had laid eyes on Frankie when his friends had forced him to go bar hopping with them for some reason or another, Gerard had fallen head over heels, and his infatuation had only grown with time.

Gerard was slightly confused by his intense attraction to Frankie, because she was beautiful, but Gerard was  _gay_ , or at least - he thought he was, and even though she was a male, Gerard had never seen her as such, and it was the woman that had drawn him in, or maybe it was just Frankie's confident aura, the way she wasn't afraid to go out in drag and sing her heart out.

Gerard was aching to see what she looked like when she wasn't on stage, and he wondered if she still wore women's clothing in her day to day life, or if she chose to go out as a boy when she wasn't performing. He wanted to find out if his heart still started beating out of his chest when he saw her as a boy, and if she was even more beautiful in real life than she was on stage.

Gerard knew a little bit about drag queens, thanks to some internet research brought on by his new obsession with Frankie. Some of them truly wanted to be female, but some didn't, some just liked to perform while looking pretty, but unfortunately, Gerard had no idea which category Frankie fell under.

Most of them were gay, which gave Gerard some hope when it came to his chances with her, but not all of them, and what if Frankie really wanted to be a woman? Gerard wasn't sure how he would feel about that, not that he had anything against transgender people, but because he did like boys, even though Frankie made a beautiful girl.

Gerard really hoped Frankie liked males, and her body, because even though he would respect her and her choices no matter what, he wanted her -  _him_ -  _whatever_ , and he was confused enough already about what he liked without trying to figure out if Frankie was happy as she was.

None of this really mattered though, because Gerard was never going to get the guts to approach her, which meant she would never know how badly he wanted her, and it made all of his musing about her sexuality and gender irrelevant.

Still, Frankie was really fucking with Gerard's head; he had only just come to terms with his sexuality, even though apparently his friends had known he was gay for ages, and now he was beginning to think maybe he was bisexual after all if just the sight of Frankie had him in this state, but  _no_...he was pretty sure he was gay - he liked dicks at least, that much he was certain about.

Gerard had experimented a lot when he moved out, and he had quickly found out that sex with girls wasn't something he was into -  _at all_ , but now Frankie was throwing everything Gerard thought he knew out the window.

Honestly, if Frankie had been a real girl, Gerard may have been intrigued with her, he might even want to befriend her, but he wouldn't want to fuck her - or rather,  _be fucked_  by her. Gerard was pretty much the biggest bottom in the world, and even though he had topped once or twice, receiving was definitely his forte.

But Frankie had a dick, and it was the fact that a boy could dress up and look so stunning that had Gerard truly infatuated with Frankie, because he wanted to do that, or at least, he  _thought_  he did. Gerard was one confused motherfucker, but he knew one thing for sure - he  _really_  wanted Frankie.

Frankie was even messing with his love life; Gerard just couldn't seem to muster up a hint of interest in anyone else that wasn't her, and he had turned down everyone who had asked him out because he was so damn caught up on someone that didn't even know he existed.

Gerard just couldn't get Frankie out of his head; her extravagant makeup, her raspy voice, the way she swayed around the stage with an ethereal grace that Gerard could only dream of emulating.

But Frankie was a hundred light years out of Gerard's league, and she would never even look twice at an awkward loser like Gerard who had only recently come out of the closest, and who was now struggling with his own desire to wear woman's clothing.

Gerard wondered what it would feel like to be up there, to have the lights shining in his face, to be dolled up in a slinky dress and singing his heart out to an appreciative audience, but Gerard was a coward, and even though he had tried on some of Lindsey's skirts in the privacy of his own room, he would never have the guts to actually go out in public dressed like a woman, no matter how much the thought excited him.

Gerard had no idea what his strange urges meant, and if maybe he was struggling with his own gender identity, but he thought he was cis. He didn't hate his body, well, not  _all_  the time, and he didn't secretly wish for boobs, but normal people didn't want to dress up in drag -  _right?_

Poor Gerard was just overwhelmed, because until four years ago, he had lived with his overly conservative parents, and he never even knew people could be born in the wrong gender, much less what it was called until recently. Hell - he never even realized he was gay until he had branched out with his sexual partners, because Gerard had been raised to believe that he was going to grow up, and marry a woman, and have kids - any other option wasn't worth discussing.

But Gerard had never wanted that life, and even though he wouldn't be opposed to the idea of settling down eventually, he wanted to see the world, he wanted to explore, and actually live before he shacked up with someone, and maybe actually discover who he liked and what he was interested in along the way. He thought he had it all figured out when he realized that gay sex was better than a fresh donut, but now he wasn't so sure.

Frankie was making him rethink everything, and even though Gerard was relieved that he was finally free from his oppressive parents, trying to sift through what was going on in his fucked up head was really hard on his own, and Gerard sort of missed the ease of his old life, but definitely not the rest of it.

Because Gerard had never been a happy teenager, and even though he had tried his hardest to act like everyone expected him to, he never quite fit in. He didn't like girls, he didn't even like  _people_  in general, and even though he could now put titles to all his oddities, Gerard wasn't truly content yet, just a bit more knowledgeable.

Now Gerard had discovered that he liked dicks, and he wasn't some unlovable weirdo, he just had extreme social anxiety coupled with low self-esteem, but he was still struggling with his interest in woman's clothing, and his obsession with Frankie wasn't helping clear his head any.

Lindsey had tried her best to help Gerard sort himself out; she was the one who had pushed him into hooking up with a guy when he kept bemoaning the fact that he didn't like women, which was something Gerard would never have been brave enough to try on his own, and she was always willing to help Gerard out when he had questions or concerns with something, but she didn't understand why he couldn't get over Frankie.

She had told Gerard he needed to forget about her, and it would probably be much easier to try and maintain a relationship with someone his own age, and not a drag queen, especially since Gerard had never had an actual boyfriend before, but of course, Gerard's brain had other ideas.

Every Wednesday night Gerard came back here to watch Frankie perform, even though he was basically torturing himself with visions of what would never be. Gerard imagined that Frankie was performing just for him, and once she was done, she would sashay over to Gerard's side and he would finally get to kiss those plump lips that haunted his dreams.

But as previously mentioned, Gerard was a coward, and there was no way he would ever be able to approach Frankie, much less ask her out. Even the thought had his stomach roiling with nerves, and Gerard did his best to stop thinking and simply enjoy the rest of Frankie's set.

The song was almost over, and Frankie's voice was resonating across the small club as she threw herself into the music passionately. She always performed alone for some reason, even though most of the other drag queens came out in much larger groups, but Gerard definitely wasn't complaining.

The last notes of the song faded away along with Frankie's voice, and Gerard threw himself to his feet, applauding loudly along with the other patrons of the club, and even though it was probably just Gerard's imagination, he swore that Frankie winked at him before waving to the crowd and exiting the stage.


	2. A Wink Is Worth A Thousand Words

Gerard felt his cheeks flame an alarming shade of red, and he was certain that the poor guy sitting next to him could feel the heat coming off his face - or maybe the air conditioning had been cut off - that would explain why Gerard was suddenly uncomfortably hot in his leather jacket, because a wink that probably meant nothing shouldn't have him this flustered.

But Gerard was just trying to make excuses for his body's reaction to Frankie, and he knew it. No wonder he couldn't manage to speak to her if just a simple wink had him swaying on his stool, trying to fight back a wave of dizziness -  _fuck_ \- he would probably pass out if Frankie so much as said  _"hi"_  to him.

Frankie probably hadn't even meant to wink specifically at him, and it was most likely intended for the entire crowd, because why the fuck would she wink at  _Gerard_  anyway? Gerard's brain was just deluded, and even though her eyes had been focused on the back of the club, that didn't mean she was looking specifically at Gerard -  _right?_

But even if the gesture wasn't meant for him, it had sure  _seemed_  that way. Frankie's eyes had locked with his for one second, Gerard was _sure_  of it, which meant that maybe Frankie had noticed his steady attendance at her performances after all.

He had been coming here for almost a year now, and even though her shows were typically pretty crowded, it wasn't unheard of to think that Gerard had caught her attention, at least - he would like to think that he had.

Gerard was noticeable, or _his hair_  was to be more precise. He had dyed it an obnoxious red color once he moved out, just because he could, and he had always wanted to see how he looked with something besides the boring brown hair he had been born with.

Most of the people who attended Frankie's show had brown or black hair, with a sprinkling of blonde thrown in, so maybe Frankie had noticed the shock of red hiding in the back, maybe she really _had_  been winking at Gerard.

But no, Gerard was being ridiculous, and he needed to stop making a big deal out of something that was in all actuality nothing before he had a brain aneurism trying to decipher a  _stupid_ wink.

Gerard couldn't get it out of his head though, and he wasn't ready to leave just yet, so he ordered another drink to kill some time as he pondered over whether tonight would be the perfect time to talk to Frankie or not.

Gerard ached to speak with her, and he had seen some men head backstage and congratulate the performers before, so there was nothing stopping Gerard from just telling Frankie how much he had loved her set, besides his social anxiety that is.

Gerard had this same argument with himself every week, trying to force his body to actually move and take the few steps that would led him over to where Frankie was, but he didn't, he  _never_  did. Gerard knew he would only end up making a fool of himself, and even though Frankie would probably be kind enough not to laugh in Gerard's face, he was sure she wouldn't appreciate having to deal with another bumbling fan that thought he actually had a chance with her.

Gerard allowed himself to imagine what would happen if he wasn't such an awkward loser, instead, he would be someone attractive and interesting, someone Frankie would actually  _want_ to spend time with. He would make his way over to Frankie's dressing room, maybe they could strike up a conversation and Frankie would be just as intrigued with Gerard as he was with her, maybe he could learn her real name, and they could go on a date...maybe they would kiss - or _more_...

Gerard groaned softly as his mind wandered, and his dick took notice of the dirty route his thoughts had taken. Blushing furiously, Gerard shifted slightly in his seat, trying to move his newfound erection out of the path of his zipper.

Gerard was beyond mortified at the fact that he had popped a boner just by thinking about Frankie, and even though the pictures in his head were definitely not PG, he wasn't a teenager anymore, and he thought these things only happened to horny adolescents that had just discovered the joys of jacking off.

But even though Gerard may be twenty-two years old, mentally he still felt like he was sixteen half of the time, and he had never really done all of the things teenagers got out of their systems during high school.

Gerard didn't have a normal childhood, not  _really_. His parents were always pushing him to focus on his studies, forcing him to volunteer at the church, to be  _better_ , and not to bother himself with the frivolities other kids his age wasted their time with. Gerard knew his situation could be much worse, and at least he had parents, and they didn't beat him or anything, but  _fuck -_  they had not prepared him for life at all.

His parents had basically turned him into an adult before he ever had the chance to be a child, and now that Gerard was on his own, he was experiencing so many things that most people his age had already went through long ago.

Gerard didn't have many friends either, not in high school anyway, so he didn't have anyone to convince him to bunk off and actually have some fun once in a while, and Gerard had no idea that there was a whole world beyond his front door that he was missing out on until he had stepped into it without his parents to cloud his vision.

Teenage Gerard didn't have anyone to play video games with after school, and he never partied or drank when he was younger,  _hell_ \- he hardly even jacked off. His parents were insanely strict, and even though he wasn't a stranger to touching himself, he had refrained more than most people his age while he still lived at home.

It wasn't like Gerard really had a choice; his parents were always hovering over him, making sure he did all of his homework before sending him to bed at nine 'o clock on the dot, and the fact that they stayed up much later than Gerard and his door didn't have a lock prevented him from rubbing one out most nights.

Gerard had never even had sex until he was nineteen, and his utter disappointment at the supposedly wonderful act had confused the fuck out of him. He had no idea that girls weren't his type at the time, and Gerard assumed that something was broken inside his head, that was the only explanation he could think of for why he didn't enjoy sex.

But now Gerard knew that he liked sex  _\- a lot_ , as long as it involved two dicks, and he was free to touch himself whenever he pleased now that he lived alone, so there was no excuse for him to be sporting massive wood in the middle of a club just because Frankie had  _possibly_ winked at him.

This obsession with Frankie was getting out of control, and there was no way that Gerard was going to attempt to talk to Frankie while his dick was threatening to rip through his jeans - not that he would have been able to work up the guts to talk to her anyway, so he decided to just call it a night.

Gerard drained the remainder of his drink quickly, slapping a bill on the counter to pay his tab before exiting the bar and heading back toward his apartment. It was fucking freezing outside, and even though Gerard had brought a heavy coat, along with a beanie and a scarf, he was still a human icicle by the time he made it back to his small apartment.

And you would think that being borderline frozen would have diminished Gerard's boner slightly, but somehow, it was still going strong, and even though Gerard tried to think of something to make it go away, including everything from naked old grandmas to a pile of dead kittens, nothing was working.

By the time Gerard fell into bed, he was still  _fucking_  hard, and he knew he was going to have to do something about his problem if he wanted to fall asleep anytime soon, and he really needed to get some rest if he was going to be even semi-functioning at work tomorrow.

So Gerard closed his eyes, slipping his hand underneath the bedsheets slowly as his breathing speed up, his heart starting to beat faster in his chest. Masturbating was still exciting to Gerard, and even though he had been living on his own for almost four years now, Gerard always felt a delicious thrill when he did this to himself, as if he was doing something wicked instead of just touching his dick.

Gerard gasped slightly when his hand came in contact with his hard cock; his palm was still slightly cold from being outside, and the contrasting temperatures had Gerard groaning softly in pleasure.

As Gerard began to move his fist up and down, he tried his hardest not to think of Frankie, because she deserved better than some awkward weirdo jacking off to her like she was free internet porn, but Gerard was fighting a losing battle, and before he could stop himself, an image of Frankie had formed in his mind.

God this felt good, but Gerard wanted  _more_...he wanted  _Frankie_. Gerard hadn't even had the motivation to find a one night stand lately; no one excited Gerard anymore, and even though sex was sex, and Gerard shouldn't be picky, he was too caught up on Frankie to fake it with some random stranger.

Gerard pretended that it was  _her_  hand touching him,  _her_  palm wrapped around his dick,  _her_  fingers slowly sinking into his ass instead of his own,  _her_ beautiful voice whispering obscene compliments in his ear as she stroked him teasingly. Just the thought of that had Gerard moaning loudly, his cock twitching in his fist as he sped up his movements

But what he really wanted was for Frankie to fuck him, to reduce him to a quivering mess with her hands and her mouth before sinking into him slowly, making Gerard cry out and arch into her touch. He wanted her to pin him to the bed, to fuck him hard and fast until Gerard came so hard he couldn't see straight.

" _Fuck_  -" Gerard hissed out as he pushed down onto the two fingers he had slipped inside himself, his hips jerking up into his fist with every downward motion of his hand.

Gerard realized that this was really fucked up, getting off to someone he didn't know that is - not masturbating, but he couldn't stop, and he would be lying if he said this was the first night he had touched himself with Frankie in mind.

It was too late to back out now though; Gerard's breath was already catching in his throat as the burning sensation in his stomach rose, and his body was strung so tightly he knew he was going to snap at any moment, and it was only seconds later before Gerard was coming hard, crying out hoarsely as he spurted all over his hand and stomach.

Gerard continued to work his cock until he was empty, whimpering softly as his body relaxed and he collapsed against the sheets wearily. Gerard immediately felt guilty afterward for thinking of Frankie in such a perverse way, but this was the only way he could have her, and he would take anything he could get, even if it was just his own hand coupled with his overactive imagination.

Once Gerard's brain had come back online, he cleaned up quickly before crawling under the sheets, drifting off with the sound of Frankie's voice still ringing in his ears faintly.


	3. The Classic Fairytale Starring The Drag Queen And The Awkward Loser

Gerard found himself back at the club next Wednesday night, and this week he hadn't even struggled with the decision of going like he usually did, even though he always ended up here, so he really needed to cut the arguing with himself out of his routine since it was a pointless time waster.

Actually, Gerard could hardly wait until Frankie's next performance, and he was one of the first to arrive when the building opened its doors for the night, which was a bit odd from him; he typically held off until right before Frankie came on to make his way into the club.

It was all because of that wink, that  _stupid wink_  had been driving him insane all week, and he just had to see Frankie again, even if it was only her show, but maybe this time, he would make an effort to approach her afterward.

If she winked at him again, or even  _waved_  in his general direction, Gerard swore he would finally talk to her. This whole obsession was driving Gerard insane, so maybe if he managed to make it through a conversation with her, he would become a little less star stuck, and he would be able to move on with his life.

Or maybe he  _wouldn't_ , but Gerard was getting sick of himself and his inability to even approach Frankie; it wasn't like she was that terrifying, even though in Gerard's mind, she  _really_  was, but he was never going to be able to move on and actually start living his life until he got over this Frankie phase he had been stuck in for the past year.

So this was it, Gerard was determined to talk to Frankie tonight, and if he chickened out once again, then he was  _never_  coming back here. Lindsey was right, and this wasn't healthy for him, so this was his last chance to make an impression on Frankie before he walked away from her forever.

Gerard hoped that giving himself an ultimatum would help him grow some  _fucking balls_ , and he did feel slightly more confident when he entered the dimly lit club, dressed nicer than usual with his hair  _actually_  brushed for once; now he just had to wait and see if this burst of courage lasted throughout the evening.

It was a slow night at the club, not even half of the tables set in front of the stage were filled, even after Gerard milled around a bit with a drink in hand, and this gave Gerard the nerve to sit closer to the front, instead of hiding back at the bar like he usually did.

Gerard felt exposed as soon as he sat down, but he forced himself to retain his seat. He didn't want Frankie to look out over the crowd and get discouraged by the lack of onlookers, and even though Gerard was only one person, he felt like his contribution was  _important_ \- not to mention that if he wanted to talk to Frankie later, he might as well sit somewhere that she could see him properly.

Because of his anxiety about  _maybe_ speaking to Frankie tonight, Gerard found himself ordering drink after drink, and he was already well on his way to being trashed by the time Frankie took the stage, which was obvious in the way he stumbled slightly when he threw himself to his feet to applaud wildly when Frankie came into view.

When Frankie had taken her usual spot in the middle of the stage, Gerard sat back down clumsily, trying to fight off the head rush that standing up so quickly had produced. He hadn't been this drunk in quite some time, and he was really enjoying the fuzzy feeling spreading throughout his body as he settled back into his seat with what was probably a stupid grin on his face as he stared at Frankie longingly.

Gerard had an excellent vantage point of the dais from this angle, and he regretted never choosing a table seat before - not that he couldn't see from the bar, but now he had an unobstructed view of Frankie, when usually he had to peer around numerous heads to get a good glimpse of her.

Frankie looked amazing, as _always_ ; her dress was red tonight, a brilliant shade that almost mirrored Gerard's hair exactly, and her wig was threaded through with matching red ribbons that shimmered every time she moved.

But despite how gorgeous her body looked; Frankie seemed slightly off tonight; her eyes were red underneath her dark makeup, and her steps lacked the usual energy that Gerard associated with her stride, but maybe he was just noticing it more now that he was closer to the stage.

"Hey honeys - I'm going to do something a bit different tonight and just lip sync for once. I'm feeling a bit under the weather, so hopefully you fellows don't mind," Frankie announced, and even though Gerard called out affirmations along with the rest of the crowd, he was disappointed that he wouldn't get to hear Frankie's beautiful voice.

At least that explained Gerard's earlier observations, and he wondered why Frankie had chosen to perform this evening if she was sick. She should be home resting, not out here singing, but then the music started playing, and Gerard shoved all of his motherly worries into the back of his mind for now.

Gerard didn't recognize the song Frankie was lip syncing to, but he was pretty sure he had heard it on the radio once or twice, and it did have a catchy beat. Frankie had never lip synced before, at least - not that Gerard had seen, and even though many of the other drag queens did, Gerard missed the sultry tones of Frankie's voice.

As the song continued, Gerard could definitely tell Frankie wasn't feeling well. Her performance seemed forced, her movements much less fluid than they usually were, and even though she was smiling, Gerard could tell that it was faked.

Frankie made it through the song though, voicing along to the words determinedly all the way until the end. Blowing the crowd a tired kiss, Frankie took a small bow before disappearing behind the curtains which covered the back of the stage.

And even though Gerard knew Frankie wasn't feeling well, he couldn't fight off the crushing sensation that was enveloping his heart. Frankie hadn't winked at him...hadn't even _looked_  in his direction, and he had been sitting so close to the front, there was  _no way_  she could have missed his presence.

Gerard had been so certain she would notice him tonight, he had been counting on it actually, and now his entire fantasy involving Frankie was crumbling down around him.

Gerard sort of wanted to cry, and if he hadn't been in a public place surrounded by strangers, he might have done just that. Gerard knew he was being overdramatic, and it was stupid of him to put so much emphasis on this night, but he had allowed himself to get his hopes up, which was never a good thing where Gerard was concerned.

Gerard should be used to this, disappointment and him were no strangers to each other's company, so this wasn't a big deal - _right?_  Still...this _hurt_ , no matter how ridiculous it seemed, and Gerard was silently cursing himself for ever coming out tonight in the first place.

This evening was supposed to be  _perfect_ ; Frankie was supposed to see him, supposed to give him some sort of sign that she wanted to talk to him, but that hadn't happened, and Gerard had lost all of the courage he had spent the entire week gathering up.

This was pointless anyway; even if he had somehow convinced himself to go backstage and see Frankie, that didn't mean anything. She would probably share a few words with him, thank him for attending her shows, and that would be it.

Because this was real life, not a  _fairy tale_ , and even if it was, Gerard had never heard of one starring a drag queen and an awkward loser. There were no happy endings here, just a pathetic weirdo who had wasted a year of his life pining over someone who didn't know he existed.

All of Gerard's musings about Frankie being as attracted to him as he was to her were utter bullshit, and he was an idiot to ever entertain the idea that this could somehow work out between them, because they didn't even  _know_  each other.

There was nothing there, no matter how much Gerard wanted to believe there was; there were no spark, no magic - literally  _nothing_. That was all there was too this, and that was all this would  _ever_  be, and Gerard needed to get that through his fucked up head and move on.

Gerard didn't immediately leave though, he was worried that if he moved, he would lose the tenuous grip he had over his unruly emotions. So Gerard stayed at his table, stewing in his sorrows for just a little bit longer, and consuming a few more drinks as he continued to sit there in silent contemplation. 

Even though Frankie hadn't given him the sign he had been waiting for, Gerard wasn't ready to walk out of here just yet, because maybe if he stayed for just one more minute, something would change inside of him, and he would find the guts to say something to Frankie after all - wink or  _no wink_.

Because if Gerard left now, that was the last time he would ever see Frankie, if he held to his promise that is, and Gerard didn't want his last memory of her to be this crushing sensation in his chest - he didn't even get to hear her sing one last time.

And for some reason, Gerard had this nagging desire to make sure that Frankie was okay, even though that was ridiculous; she probably just had a cold or something, but Gerard couldn't stop worrying about her.

She had just seemed so off, and even though she probably had a boyfriend - or a  _girlfriend_  - waiting to take her home and make sure she was cared for, Gerard couldn't get her tired eyes out of his head.

Gerard had wasted almost an hour brooding though, and Frankie was probably already halfway home by now, which is exactly where Gerard should be, he did have work in the morning after all.

Gerard had missed his chance, and he knew it. Frankie was gone, and Gerard needed to go home before he got even more drunk and ended up embarrassing himself, no matter how much he didn't want to leave.

So with a reluctant sight and a heavy heart, Gerard finished his last drink, paying the waitress who had been serving him all night before tugging on his coat and braving the chilly air that assaulted him the second he stepped outside of the club, bidding Frankie a silent goodbye in his mind.

It was December in New York, which meant it was fucking cold, and even though Gerard didn't live that far, he was already freezing, and he hadn't even taken three steps yet.

Gerard was still decently drunk, but his disappointment over not being able to convince himself to speak with Frankie had sobered him up a bit, and the freezing temperature was helping as well, so Gerard wasn't worried about making it home in one piece.

Deciding to cut through the back alleys so he could get home that much quicker, Gerard hurried down the darkened side streets, trying to ignore the burly guys that were hanging around the back door of the club. They were probably only bouncers after all, and not the muggers Gerard's mind had transformed them into.

And just when Gerard was almost past the two men who were giving Gerard cold glares out of the corner of their eyes, the door they were guarding creaked open, and a small figure emerged, bundled up head to toe in a wide scarf and heavy jacket, but they were still shivering violently as if they were naked in the cold.

And Gerard almost died on the spot, because he would recognize those gorgeous hazel eyes and sharp cheekbones anywhere, and he knew without a doubt, that this was  _Frankie_...


	4. Gerard Will Fight A Fucking Bear For Frank

Gerard felt the urge to punch himself in the face - or  _something_  - just to make sure he wasn't dreaming, and a pinch didn't seem enough of a shock to wake him up, but  _seriously_  - what were the odds that Frankie was actually here...standing right in front of Gerard.

Maybe Gerard had drunk so much that he had passed out, and this was all some trippy dream fabricated by his Frankie obsessed brain, or maybe somebody had spiked his drink, and he was hallucinating this. Those seemed like more reasonable explanations than Frankie just happening to walk outside at the very same moment that Gerard was passing by;  _hell_  - this could be an alien come to kidnap Gerard, and it had decided to take the form of Frankie because it knew that Gerard would trust her no matter what.

But when Gerard blinked his eyes numerous times, even giving his head a small shake for good measure, and Frankie didn't disappear, or fade away, or turn into a three eyed extraterrestrial creature, Gerard began to hope that maybe this wasn't some elaborate hoax his brain was playing on him, and he was actually getting the one thing he had always dreamed of - a chance to speak with Frankie.

Gerard almost called out her name, but he stopped himself before the syllables could escape his lips. Gerard knew enough about drag queens to know that they used different names on stage, but he had never actually talked to Frankie, so he had no idea what she went by when she dressed as a man.

Frankie coughed hoarsely, leaning against the door as she tried to catch her breath, and the soft sound snapped Gerard out of the immobile state his body had been trapped in ever since he had first laid eyes on Frankie, drawing all of his attention back to her so fast, Gerard almost got mental whiplash.

And before Gerard could stop himself, he was rushing over to her side, tearing his grey beanie off his head as he went, and it must have been the alcohol that made him so confident, because Gerard would never have approached Frankie if he was sober, but he didn't even think twice about his stupid decision in his rush to make sure Frankie was okay.

"Hey...um - you look cold, and you are supposed to keep your head covered when you are sick, so  _here_ ," Gerard held up his hat with shaking hands. "I promise I don't have lice or anything gross like that," Gerard giggled nervously.

Gerard instantly wanted to smack himself in the face, because  _god_  - could he have come off looking any more creepy? Who the  _fuck_  offers someone the hat off their head...apparently  _Gerard_  does, but that was not the first impression he had been planning to make on Frankie, that was for sure.

"Boys - he's cool," Frankie rasped out, eyeing the bouncers who had stepped in front of Gerard threateningly.

"I'm sorry - I can leave," Gerard squeaked while backing up warily, but still holding the beanie out to Frankie with a pleading look on his face.

Gerard's brain was screaming at him to turn around and head home before he made an even bigger fool of himself in front of the person he had been crushing on for ages, or he got beat to a pulp by the doormen, but his feet weren't responding to his mind's frantic signals, they seemed frozen to the ground, and even though Gerard's breath was catching in his throat as he began to panic slightly, he couldn't move.

"I know you - you are the cutie that comes to every one of my shows," Frankie smiled weakly, pushing off from the door so she could step closer to Gerard and farther away from the men who were still shooting suspicious glances in Gerard's direction.

Gerard was about ninety-eight percent positive that his heart had stopped beating when Frankie's words sunk into his dense head, because  _fuck_  - she had called him  _cute_  - Gerard Way had just been complimented by the most gorgeous person in the world, and even though Gerard was pretty much ready to keel over and die happily with her husky voice ringing in his ears, he knew he had to respond soon before Frankie started to think he was a weirdo.

"Yeah - I love your voice, and your dancing, everything really," Gerard stumbled over his words, but at least he had formed a coherent sentence, and that was quite an accomplishment in his current state.

"Thank you - that's always nice to hear, and I'm flattered that you come see me so often -"

"Do you really think I'm cute?" Gerard blurted out, his cheeks instantly blushing when he realized what he had just said, but it was too late to take it back now.

"Of course I do, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it, but as much as I would love to hang out with you for a bit...I need to get home - I feel like shit." Frankie smiled apologetically before she began walking down the street, and even though Gerard should have let her go like any normal person would do, he found himself following after her like a puppy trailing after its master, not getting the obvious hint that Frankie was in a hurry to be out of the elements as soon as possible.

"Wait - don't you want the hat?" Gerard asked again, still holding out the beanie pathetically.

"I don't want to take your hat honey, you will catch a cold, and then I would feel bad. I'm fine anyway, and with my shitty immune system, it wouldn't make much of a difference."

"Then...can I walk you home? You don't look too good, and I'm worried about you." Gerard almost face palmed himself when he realized how stalkerish he sounded, but Frankie didn't seem too freaked out.

"Really? Well - I mean...if you  _want_  to, I would like some company. I actually feel like I might pass out any second now," Frankie admitted guilty.

"Of course, I don't want you to be out on the streets alone and sick," Gerard nodded eagerly, tugging his hat down over Frankie's head before she could resist. Gerard had never noticed how short Frankie actually was, but without the heels, she was a few inches smaller than he was, and Gerard wasn't that tall at all.

"So is my escort going to tell me his name?" Frankie chuckled as she adjusted the beanie slightly so it covered her ears as well.

"I'm Gerard, and uh - I've kind of been wondering what your real name is too. I know your stage name of course, but - uh..." Gerard trailed off awkwardly.

"It's  _Frank_ , really original huh?" Frank chuckled.

"Frank," Gerard repeated quietly as he continued to walk beside Frank down the streets of New York.

Gerard really liked Frank's name, and not just because it sounded pleasant rolling off his tongue - which it  _did_ , but because it wasn't drastically different from Frankie. Gerard had always thought that Frankie's real name would be something else - like  _Charles_ , or  _Kyle_  maybe, but he was almost relived that it wasn't.

The fact that Frank had chosen a stage name so similar to his own made Gerard feel like maybe Frank and Frankie weren't two different people, instead, they were just two halves of a whole, two sides of a coin, and it made Gerard think that maybe Frank could be just as intriguing as Frankie.

"So do you walk all of the random strangers you meet home, or am I special?" Frankie -  _Frank_  - asked after a few moments of silence had passed, and Gerard jumped at her -  _his_  - words, much to his embarrassment.

"I - uh...no, but,  _fuck_  - I don't know. I have been to see you so often, I feel like I know you..." Gerard stammered out nervously.

"I'm not trying to be rude,  _honestly_  - I am actually really fucking happy you showed up when you did. You just don't see many people willing to do something nice for someone else for free -  _you know_?" Frank ended on a wet cough, and Gerard winced in sympathy as the hoarse sound tore through Frank's small body.

"I - I want to say I'm just a sweet guy, but I'm  _not_. I have actually wanted to talk to you for ages...so I'm really being kind of selfish right now to be honest," Gerard chuckled weakly, stepping closer to Frank ever so slightly when he began to sway on his feet.

"Why didn't you just come say hi after one of my shows? You know I am always happy to meet my fans," Frank asked.

"Um - I..." Gerard stumbled over his words as he tried to find a better explanation than _'I'm sort of in love with you, but I'm a shy awkward weirdo, and I tried a million times, but I always pussied out at the last second'_ , but he was spared from thinking of a plausible lie when Frank suddenly doubled over, pressing one of his hands against a nearby wall while he threw up violently.

" _Oh my god_  - are you okay?" Gerard squealed, even though it was  _really_  fucking obvious that Frank wasn't okay, most people puking their guts up wouldn't define themselves that way.

" _Fuck_..." Frank whined, sinking to his knees shakily once he was finished vomiting.

Not knowing what else to do, Gerard knelt down next to Frank, pulling the edges of his hair out of his face as he gagged softly for a few more seconds, producing nothing but spit and bile.

When Frank raised his head up slightly, Gerard was shocked by how terrible he looked. His skin was pale, and tinged with a slight green shade that had Gerard's own stomach twisting uncomfortably. Frank was sick -  _really sick_ , and Gerard needed to get him home before he froze to death.

"Hey...can you tell me your address? I'm gonna go hail us a cab - okay?" Gerard coaxed Frank into a more comfortable position, letting him lean against Gerard's body instead of the wall.

Gerard briefly marveled over the fact that Frank was this close to him, and he knew in any other situation, he would be freaking out like the fanboy he was, but his concern over Frank's wellbeing had overcome everything else, and Gerard barely even noticed the way Frank was pressed up against his side, or how nice he smelled, even after throwing up.

"No - 'm okay...I just live right there," Frank mumbled, pointing across the street with a shaky hand to a small apartment complex nestled snuggly beside a park.

"Right there?" Gerard double checked, to which Frank nodded weakly in response.

"Okay then...hold on," Gerard warned Frank before scooping him up in his arms, hooking his legs in the crook of his elbow easily while he regained his feet.

Frank squeaked quietly, but he didn't protest, and Gerard didn't really give him the chance to; he just started walking in the direction Frank had indicated, hoping that Frank would be able to tell him where to go once he was inside.

Gerard had no idea where this burst of confidence had come from; seriously - if the Gerard from three hours ago could see this Gerard, he wouldn't have believed it was the same person, because it almost wasn't.

Gerard had never been the type of guy who scooped people up and carried them home, he could barely even carry on a conversation half of the time, but Frank was changing him already, and he felt different around him -  _protective_  of him, and he would fight a fucking bear if it was for Frank, Gerard knew that much, so carrying him home wasn't really that big of a deal in comparison.

And as Gerard felt Frank sigh softly before snuggling his face into his chest, Gerard stopped worrying about how he was acting, or how weird this whole situation was, because it didn't matter. He was with Frankie, and even though this wasn't how he imagined their first conversation turning out, Gerard was floating on cloud nine as he walked down the sidewalk with Frank in his arms.

This had been his night after all, he had finally spoken with Frank, and not only that, but he was taking Frank to his house. For once in his life, Gerard wasn't doubting everything, or freaking out about every little nuance that popped up, he was simply  _doing_ , and Gerard realized that he should have grown the balls and talked to Frank ages ago, but better late than never  _right?_

And if Gerard hadn't been freaking out in the club about Frank not noticing him, he wouldn't have left at the exact time that he had, which meant that Frank would have walked home alone, and he would have been all by himself throwing up in that alley.

Gerard knew it sounded stupid, but this seemed like  _fate_ , like he was  _destined_  to talk to Frank tonight, otherwise Frank would still be lying on the cold ground with no one there to pick him up, and Gerard was so grateful that he had been the one who was there for Frank when he needed him, and he would continue to be there for him as long as Frank wanted him around.


	5. Sick Frank Is So Adorable It Should Be Illegal

"It's this one right - 249?" Gerard asked as he approached one of the many identical looking doors in Frank's apartment complex, praying that he hadn't gotten turned around and ended up on the wrong floor, because this place was much larger than it had seemed from the outside, and Frank instructions hadn't been very descriptive.

Frank had demanded that Gerard put him down once they had entered the building, but he was still leaning heavily against Gerard's side, and he hadn't spoken a word except when he handed Gerard his keys and mumbled his apartment number weakly, leaving Gerard to fend for himself and hope that room number 249 was indeed on the second floor.

"Yeah..." Frank rasped out, and Gerard nervously put the key in the lock. For some reason, he was terrified that he was going to enter the wrong apartment, and even though he knew that the door wouldn't open if that were the case, he still felt like he needed to double check before he busted in on some poor soul trying to sleep, or fuck, or  _whatever_.

But the key turned easily, and no one attacked Gerard, or aimed a shot gun at him, so he assumed that he had gotten the right building, and he felt like giving himself a pat on the back for successfully getting Frank home safely, but his hands were sort of busy supporting Frank's small frame right now, so he was saved from making the embarrassing gesture.

Gerard helped Frank inside, hanging his keys on the hook that looked like it was made for that specific purpose before turning to Frank warily. Now that Gerard was inside his home, he didn't know how to act, and even though his first instinct was to bolt, he couldn't leave until he made sure that Frank was taken care of.

"So uh...do you live alone or -" Gerard was cut off by Frank clasping a hand over his mouth and all but sprinting down a hallway which Gerard could only guess led to the bathroom, leaving Gerard to stare after him with his jaw still hanging open slightly.

When Gerard heard the sounds of retching coming from the room Frank had disappeared into, his feet began moving without any conscious decision on his end, and he followed the noises until he spied Frank on his knees in front of the toilet, gagging weakly as his body was wracked with small tremors.

"Oh Frank..." Gerard whispered, sinking down beside him carefully.

"It's okay - I'll be okay, you can go home if you need to."

"I'm not leaving until you have someone here with you. Is there someone I should call - family maybe...or a  _boyfriend_?" Gerard asked, and even though this wasn't the time to be thinking about Frank's love life, Gerard couldn't keep the distasteful tone out of his voice, but Frank didn't seem to notice -  _thank fuck_.

"No - no family, no boyfriend. I live here alone...but I'm used to this. I get sick a lot, especially in the winter. I'll be fine," Frank protested again, but Gerard's mind was already made up, and there was no  _fucking_  way he was leaving Frank in this state.

"Well I have nowhere to be, so I can hang around for a bit. At least let me get your coat off," Gerard offered, because a light sheen of sweat was breaking out on Frank's brow, and he had to be uncomfortable wearing all of those layers inside.

"You are so sweet - are you even  _real_?" Frank asked groggily as he peered up at Gerard with bleary eyes.

"Yeah - I'm real," Gerard chuckled as he unzipped Frank's heavy parka, removing the jacket from his slim shoulders before moving on to the scarf and hat.

"Thank you," Frank sighed out, leaning his head against the toilet bowl when Gerard was finished.

"I'm gonna go get you some water okay?"

Gerard didn't wait for a reply before heading into Frank's kitchen, grabbing the first glass he saw and filling it with tap water. When Gerard returned to the bathroom, he found Frank in the same position he had left him in, but he lifted his head and graced Gerard with a weak smile when he saw him.

"You are a lifesaver." Frank held out his shaking hands for the cup, but Gerard was nervous that he would drop it, so he kept his fingers cupped over Frank's as he raised the glass to his lips, tightening his hold as Frank sipped from it eagerly.

"Go slow...I don't want you getting sick again," Gerard cautioned Frank, receiving a raised eyebrow from the shorter man in response.

"Okay mom," Frank teased, causing Gerard's cheeks to flame an alarming shade of red, and not in a good way this time.

Frank's statement had embarrassed Gerard, even though he knew that probably hadn't been Frank's intention, but he was right. Gerard was acting like a flustered mother over Frank, a stranger he didn't even know, which was pretty  _fucking_  weird, even for someone like Gerard, and he was overcome with a sudden bout of self-consciousness.

"I - I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help...I used to throw up a lot when I first started drinking, and I would be so thirsty that I would chug a ton of water and then get sick all over again..." Gerard stammered out, setting down the glass of water so he could wring his hands together anxiously.

"Oh honey, I wasn't being serious. You don't know how happy I am that you are here...I hate going through this alone, and the fact that you actually want to take care of me means a hell of a lot." Frank clasped Gerard's hands in his own, stopping his nervous motion entirely, and Gerard pretty much swooned on the spot, because  _fuck_  - Frank was holding his hand...sort of.

"It's no big deal, my friend always come over when I'm sick to do this sort of stuff for me, and I want to do it for you," Gerard chuckled softly, trying his best to suppress a small shiver when Frank squeezed his hands lightly.

"There needs to be more people like you in the world -  _seriously_ , you are an angel." Frank smiled up at Gerard before pulling himself to his feet, and even though he swayed slightly for a moment, he looked steadier than he had on the walk home, and his color wasn't nearly as green as it had been.

"Careful," Gerard gasped when Frank tried to take a step and stumbled alarmingly, causing Gerard to leap upward so he could catch Frank if he fell.

"I'm okay, but - um...could you help me into my room? I want to change out of these clothes, I got vomit on my pants earlier." Frank grimaced in distaste as he spoke.

"Yeah sure." Gerard hooked his arm under Frank's, and together they made it into Frank's bedroom without incident.

Gerard took a second to gaze at his surroundings while Frank rummaged around in his closet, and Gerard was pleasantly surprised by what he saw, even though he had no idea what he had been expecting. The walls were covered with photographs, most of them seemed to be in black and white, but there were numerous colored ones as well, and various band posters appeared at random intervals.

"Did you take these?" Gerard asked, running his hands over one of the photos in an attempt to distract himself from the fact that Frank was changing behind him, because Gerard was  _not_  going to sneak a peek out of the corner of his eye - the thought hadn't even crossed his mind, or that was what Gerard was trying to convince himself of at least.

"Yeah I did. I went to school for photography, but now I just do it for fun mostly." Frank's voice came out muffled at the end, probably because he was pulling on a shirt, and it took all the self-control Gerard possessed not to turn around and see if Frank had any more ink besides the work on his arms, but he resisted somehow.

"They are beautiful..." Gerard whispered, and he almost jumped out of his skin when Frank walked up behind him.

"Thanks, I'm glad someone likes them."

"You are so interesting..." Gerard mumbled quietly, and even though he was speaking to himself, Frank heard him.

"Yeah - you think so?" Frank smiled broadly, and Gerard felt his heart swell in his chest when he realized he had been the one to put that expression on Frank's face.

"Of course I do, I mean - you sing, you dance, you look hot as  _fuck_  in woman's clothing, you are an amazing photographer, and I'm sure there is one hundred other fascinating things about you that I don't know yet," Gerard rambled, his cheeks heating up as Frank stared intently at him as he spoke.

"Nah - that's pretty much it, and I am sure you are plenty interesting too," Frank brushed Gerard off, but unless Gerard was imagining it, Frank was blushing slightly, or that could just be the fever he was probably running, but Gerard liked to think he had something to do with the red tint on Frank's face.

"I - I'm  _not_  - I'm pretty lame actually." Gerard winced at his words, but luckily for him, Frank was hit with a coughing fit at that exact moment, which successfully distracted him from Gerard for the time being.

"Fuck - 's okay...I'm fine," Frank waved Gerard off feebly, but that didn't stop Gerard from dragging him into bed and forcing him to lie down.

"So...uh - are you hungry? I can make you something small, like toast, or...uh," Gerard trailed off, not quite sure what else he could do for Frank to make him more comfortable, and honestly, he probably just needed to sleep.

"Nah, I'm not ready to stomach food yet. I think I'm just gonna rest my eyes for a bit," Frank mumbled quietly.

"Okay, well uh - I guess I should go. I hope you feel better," Gerard's heart twisted at the thought of leaving Frank, but there was no way he was going to hang around and watch him sleep, he wasn't some sparkly vampire.

"You don't have to..." Frank whispered, but his eyelids were already drooping shut, and Gerard knew it was time to leave.

But Gerard didn't even make it halfway down the hallway before he heard the patter of feet rushing past him, followed by familiar retching noises which meant that Frank was getting sick again.

"Shit..." Gerard sighed out as he backtracked a few steps until he was standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

Frank was in the same position he had been in the first time, hunched over the toilet seat weakly as his body shook each time he threw up. Not really thinking about what he was doing, Gerard began to rub Frank's back gently, pressing small circles into the tense muscles until he felt the knots slowly coming undone.

"I feel like shit," Frank whined when his body had finally decided to stop purging, for the time being anyway.

"I know...you need to sleep this off."

"Can't lay down...makes my stomach hurt," Frank rasped out as he curled in on himself feebly.

Gerard hated seeing Frank like this, so sick, and weak, and in pain, and Gerard wanted to take away everything that was troubling him, even if he had to absorb all of Frank's symptoms into his own body, but that was  _impossible_  of course, so Gerard would just have to do the next best thing and be there for him so he wouldn't have to suffer alone.

And even though it physically hurt Gerard to hear Frank whimper softly as another wave of sickness hit him, in a way, being with Frank right now, or more  _importantly_  - still wanting to stay with Frank - proved to Gerard that he wasn't just infatuated with the Frankie persona he had seen on stage -  _no_ , he truly liked the real Frank, the sick, exhausted, puking person in front of him was still making Gerard's heart race in his chest, and that had to mean something -  _right?_

"Well come on then, let's go sit on the couch, maybe you can get some rest that way." Frank made no move to get up off the floor, so Gerard scooped him up again just like he had in the alley, and Frank instantly wrapped his arms around Gerard's neck.

"I like when you carry me," Frank giggled softly.

"Well good, because I like carrying you too," Gerard grinned down at Frank, and  _fuck_  - this was too good to be real, but this was happening, Gerard was flirting with Frank, and he hadn't bitten his own tongue, or fallen flat on his face, or anything idiotic like he would have expected from himself.

Once they entered Frank's living room, Gerard placed Frank on the couch carefully before heading back into the kitchen to get Frank more water, making a detour into the bedroom to snag a blanket as well. Frank's face literally lit up when Gerard returned to his side, and Gerard decided then and there that he would do whatever it took to see Frank smile like that again.

"Here - I thought you might be getting cold," Gerard wrapped Frank up securely in the blanket before discarding his coat and scarf, which he had never had the chance to take off. Once he was free of the heavy article of clothing, Gerard sat beside Frank gingerly, trying to give him some space, even though his body ached to move closer to the shivering man.

"I'm tired...but I don't want to lie down," Frank grumbled irritably, and  _fuck_  - Frank looked way too cute when he was sick and pissed off, it shouldn't even be legal for a person too be that adorable.

"Just lean on my side, that way you are still upright, and maybe it won't upset your stomach." Gerard opened his arms wide, and Frank instantly took his invitation, snuggling up against his chest with a content sigh.

"You are warm..." Frank mumbled, burying his face in Gerard's shirt happily.

And even though Gerard knew Frank was just sick, and looking for comfort, Gerard was sort of having a mini heart attack as Frank wrapped his own limbs around Gerard, because this was  _Frank_ , and Gerard was cuddling with him. This was the highest point of Gerard's entire existence, and it would take a hell of a lot to trump this.

Gerard opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to think of something to say in response to Frank's statement, but he couldn't think with Frank pressed up against him, and Frank seemed half asleep already anyway, so Gerard decided to just shut up and enjoy this moment for as long as it lasted.


	6. Gerard Way The Secret Ninja/Maybe Creepy Vampire

Gerard awoke at six am on the dot - not by choice, but because of his stupid  _fucking_  alarm on his phone that was currently trying to make itself heard through Gerard's pocket, which meant that it was time to get up and get ready for work.

But when Gerard forced his bleary eyes to open, he wasn't met with the familiar sight of his bedroom walls -  _hell_ , he wasn't even in his apartment at all. He was apparently sitting on a couch that wasn't his, with a strange weight in his lap, and a god awful crick in his neck from sleeping in such an uncomfortable position all night.

But just when Gerard was about to freak out, because he could only assume that he had been kidnapped some time during the night, I mean,  _why else_  wouldn't he be in his apartment unless someone had taken him from it, his gaze fell on Frankie -  _Frank_ , and last night came rushing back to him.

Gerard must have fallen asleep at some point, even though his plan had been to sneak out once Frank had drifted off, but that  _obviously_  hadn't happened, and honestly, Gerard was sort of ecstatic that it hadn't.

Because now he got to spend a little more time with Frank, and even though Frank was still in a deep slumber, Gerard found himself observing him like the creepy vampire he had sworn not to be last night, but Gerard made the logical argument with himself that if he moved, he would probably disturb Frank, and he didn't want to do that; Frank needed his rest if he was ever going to get better.

And to be fair, Gerard hadn't really had the chance to see Frank like this, defenseless and bare, not on stage and all dolled up. Last night he had been so busy worrying over Frank, he hadn't truly taken the time to look at Frank the man, not Frankie the drag queen, but Gerard liked what he saw - he liked it a  _hell_  of a lot.

Frank's hair was tangled and messy, gloriously dark and long; it would probably touch his shoulders if it was brushed and straightened, but it didn't look necessarily feminine, nothing about Frank did right now actually.

Frank was clothed in only a faded grey t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts, and Gerard couldn't stop staring at the ink adoring his lower legs, which was a section of skin Gerard had never seen bare before. When he was on stage, Frank usually wore leggings, leaving only his arms exposed.

Gerard was oh so tempted to lift up the hem of Frank's t-shirt, because from the tiny amount of skin that was showing, he did had more ink there, swirls, maybe lettering, and  _fuck_  - Gerard wanted to see it all, but that was taking things a little too far, and Gerard wasn't that weird -  _well_ , he was trying to convince himself that he wasn't at the very least.

So Gerard went back to gazing at Frank's face before the temptation to undress Frank while he slept became any stronger. Frank had a really pretty face, everything from his cheekbones, to his long lashes, to his eyebrows - which were so perfect they had to be plucked - were beautiful, and Gerard found it sort of  _unfair_  how attractive Frank was.

I mean -  _seriously_ , how many people can dress up as a woman, a  _fucking_  hot woman, and then look just as amazing after spending half the night throwing up and passed out on a couch, not to mention sing, and take stunning photos - it was  _mind boggling_  actually.

And even though Frank was undeniably gorgeous - dressed as a woman or a man - Gerard like this version of Frank better, the  _real_  Frank, the natural, unmade up man lying beside him was even more beautiful than Gerard could have ever imagined.

After a few more minutes spent shameless ogling Frank, Gerard realized he either had to leave now if he was going to make it to work on time... _or_  he could call in sick. Gerard hadn't missed a day of work in ages, but he really didn't want to get up right now.

Actually, Gerard never wanted to go into work anymore. He had been so excited when he got a position with Cartoon Network, even though it was just an entrance level spot, involving mostly meaningless filing and nothing to do with  _actually_  being an artist, but now the thrill had worn off, and Gerard seemed no closer to getting a promotion than the day he had attained the job.

Gerard argued back and forth with himself for a few minutes, because even though he would much rather stay here with Frank instead of spending the next eight hours pouring over mindless paperwork, Gerard hated the act of telling his boss that he wouldn't be able to come in that day. Even when Gerard had a legitimate reason for not being able to work his shift, he always got so nervous making the phone call, and he ended up feeling guilty and anxious for hours afterwards.

It wasn't like Gerard's boss was a hard ass or anything; he was pretty decent, as far as bosses went, and even though Gerard didn't interact with him much, he had always been kind to Gerard the few times he had needed to enter his office, and hopefully that would hold true with what Gerard was about to do - if he could find the courage to go through with this that is.

But when Frank snuggled deeper into Gerard's side, Gerard found the motivation to pick up the phone and dial the number to his work. Each ring increased Gerard's nervousness, and by the time someone on the other end actually picked up, Gerard had to suck in a lungful of air rapidly before any words would form, apparently he had stopped breathing for a minute there without his knowledge.

"Mr. Whitaker's office, how may I direct your call," a friendly voice chimed out, and Gerard recognized it as the receptionist that he walked by every day - what was her name...Nancy maybe?

"Can I speak with Mr. Whitaker please?" Gerard gasped out quietly, trying to calm his racing heart as the secretary told him to hang on for a second while she transferred the call.

When Gerard heard a click, and the stupid music they played when they put you on hold ended, he really began to panic. Maybe he shouldn't do this, maybe he should just go in anyway; he could leave Frank a note explaining why he had left, or maybe he could just come in late, but  _no_  - Gerard had already made it this far - he wasn't going to chicken out now.

"Hey...um, it's Gerard - Gerard Way, and I - I can't come into work today. My friend is really sick...and he needs someone to look after him for the day...so -  _yeah_." Gerard stuttered out before his boss could speak, trying to sound as sincere as humanly possible.

"Oh, okay Gerard. Well I hope your friend gets better soon. Do you think you will be in tomorrow?"

"Yeah - yeah I should be." Gerard heaved out a sigh of relief when his boss didn't seem bothered at all by the fact that Gerard wouldn't be coming in today, not that he would have any reason to. It would be simple to pawn Gerard's work off on someone else, and no one would probably even notice that Gerard was missing.

"Alright then. Thanks for calling in."

Gerard hung up the phone before his boss could say anything else, and even though his hands were shaking slightly, he actually felt pretty damn proud of himself for successfully getting out of work, and it wasn't like he had lied; Frank  _was_  sick, and even though they weren't really friends -  _not yet_ , Gerard hoped they would be soon.

Turning off his phone so he wouldn't be disturbed, not that anyone was likely to call Gerard this early anyway, Gerard laid back down as much as he could, trying to get a bit more comfortable so that maybe he could doze off again for a few more hours.

But Gerard's bladder had other ideas, and the uncomfortable pressure finally forced Gerard to free himself from Frank's body so he could hurry to the bathroom. Frank still hadn't awoken when Gerard returned, and Gerard didn't want to risk getting back on the couch with him, just in case he woke him up, but now Gerard was at a loss for what to do.

He briefly debated leaving, but he didn't have a key to Frank's apartment, which meant he would have to leave the door unlocked, and he would never forgive himself if Frank got robbed because of Gerard, so he had to stay put until Frank was up and able to lock the door behind him.

Gerard wandered into the kitchen, deciding to make Frank something to eat. He hadn't wanted anything last night, but he had to be hungry by now, so the least Gerard could do was whip him up some food, even though his cooking skills were subpar at best, and that was being  _generous_.

Gerard gazed around at Frank's well stocked kitchen, squealing internally to himself as he noticed the fancy coffee machine, and he couldn't resist making a cup as he tried to decide what to cook - eggs maybe, or pancakes; both sounded good to Gerard, and he was actually quite torn between the two.

Frank was sick though, and people who were throwing up needed to eat something light. Frank might be over his upset stomach, but he might not, and Gerard wasn't going to feed him a big breakfast only for him to vomit it all back up later.

Gerard debated making soup, but it seemed sort of early for that, and he couldn't find any cans of it in Frank's small pantry, so he settled for slicing up a banana in a bowl of cereal; that should be light enough for Frank's sick system to keep down - at least, Gerard  _hoped_  it would.

But when Gerard crept back into the living room, Frank was still sprawled out on the couch snoring softly; Gerard really hadn't thought this through, because Frank's cereal was getting soggier by the second, but Gerard didn't think his lame attempt at making breakfast was worth waking Frank up for, even though he was pretty pleased with himself.

Frank took the decision away from Gerard though, because just then, he shifted slightly, attempting to turn onto his stomach in his sleep, but he ended up slipping over the edge of the couch instead, and with some sort of ninja powers Gerard didn't know he possessed, he managed to catch Frank right before he hit the floor, somehow not spilling any of the cereal in the process.

"Hmm - what?" Frank mumbled groggily, cracking his eyes open lazily as Gerard continued to cradle Frank in his arms, setting down the bowl of cereal on the nearby coffee table gently with his free hand.

"Um...hi," Gerard giggled nervously, the permanent blush that always seemed to stain his cheeks when Frank was around creeping back onto his face.

"You stayed," Frank smiled widely, not making any move to get up, which was just fine with Gerard.

"Yeah - good thing too, I saved you from a nasty spill onto the hardwood floor."

"So that's why I'm down here," Frank chuckled wryly, finally sitting up slightly and peering around curiously.

"I probably shouldn't have let you sleep on the couch, but I sort of dozed off - sorry about that. I didn't mean to overstay my welcome or anything," Gerard stammered quietly, feeling suddenly awkward again for absolutely no reason.

"Don't even start with that - you took care of me all night, so the least I can do is give you a crappy couch to sleep on," Frank scoffed, leaning into Gerard's side lightly in a sort of awkward hug with no arms involved.

"Okay - well,  _uh_  - I made you breakfast. I thought you might be hungry, so  _yeah_. It's not much, just cereal with bananas..." Gerard trailed off when Frank's eyes lit up as they caught sight of the bowl on the coffee table, and Gerard swore he could drown in those hazel irises, especially when they were looking at him like that.

"Holy shit - are you kidding me? You are the sweetest fucking thing in the whole entire world," Frank squealed as he basically pounced on Gerard, giving him an actual hug this time, and  _fuck_  - Gerard was dead, because Frank's arms felt so  _fucking good_ wrapped around his body, and he never wanted this moment to end.

"Looks like someone is feeling better," Gerard grinned against Frank's neck, discreetly inhaling the sweet scent that hung around Frank. It was a strange mixture of perfume, and cologne, and probably vomit, but Gerard loved it, because this was  _Frank_ , and he could smell like a garbage can and Gerard would most likely enjoy it.

"Yeah I am actually. I usually don't bounce back this quickly - you must have some magical healing abilities," Frank giggled, pulling away from Gerard so he could grab the bowl of cereal with his tattooed hands.

"Maybe I do, so the next time you get sick, you know who to call." Gerard tried to make his words flirtatious, but they came out in more of an awkward stutter instead.

"I probably should, but I will need your number if that's the case," Frank winked, and Gerard's heart actually stopped beating for a moment before it started up again, pumping at twice its normal speed as Frank continued to gaze at him patiently.

"Yeah - that would be good."


	7. In Which Lindsey Threatens To Cut Off Gerard's Balls - With Love Of Course

Gerard left Frank's house not long after they had exchanged numbers, because Frank had started dozing off again when he had finished his cereal, and Gerard knew he needed his rest. So once Gerard made sure that Frank was coherent enough to lock the door behind him, he took his leave of Frank for the time being, but not before he had gotten Frank's promise to call him if he started to feel any worse.

Frank didn't call that day though, and even though Gerard knew that was  _technically_  a good thing, because that meant he was starting to feel better, and he was probably sleeping away his sickness, Gerard couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed when he drifted off with still no word from Frank.

Gerard had Frank's number as well, so he easily could have taken the initiative and contacted him; he couldn't even count how many times he had pulled out his phone with the intention of sending Frank a quick text, just to make sure he was doing okay, but Gerard didn't want to come off as desperate, or pathetic, even though he basically was.

But even though Gerard began to worry slightly on day two when his phone remained silent, he wasn't as distressed as he thought he would be, and he managed to make it through work without thinking of Frank too many times, relatively speaking that is.

Gerard just couldn't stop replaying their evening together over and over in his mind, because Frank had been everything Gerard and hoped for and more when he wasn't on stage, and Gerard really wanted to get to know Frank better, to see if his infatuation could maybe grow into something else over time, and most of all, to find out if Frank  _maybe_  had feelings for Gerard too.

It had seemed like he had the other day, but Frank had been sick, and tired, and he might have just been grateful to Gerard for helping him out when he needed it, but he  _had_  asked for his number, and he wouldn't have done that if he didn't want to see Gerard again -  _right_?

But Frank didn't give Gerard much time to ponder if he had imagined Frank's interest in him or not, because around five in the afternoon that day, not long after Gerard had gotten home from work and was trying to decide how he was going to spend the rest of his evening, Gerard's phone rang, causing Gerard to physically  _leap_  across the table to grab the device, even though it could be anyone calling, but luckily, Gerard wasn't disappointed when he saw Frank's name flashing across the screen.

"Hey," Gerard gasped out once he finally pressed the answer button on the phone, because even though he would never admit it, the sudden movement had strained Gerard slightly, and he really needed to work out more if simply jumping across his kitchen counter had caused him to be this winded.

"Hey yourself cutie," Frank giggled softly, and Gerard had to resist the urge to squeal like an overexcited teenager who's crush had finally called him for the first time, which was actually a perfect description for the feeling Gerard was experiencing right now.

"How are you feeling?"

"A lot better now - thank fuck, I  _hate_  being sick." There was a short pause, during which Gerard did his best to think of something else to say to keep the conversation going, but his mind was coming up painfully blank at the moment.

" _Good_  - that's good," Gerard rolled his eyes at his lame response, but talking on the phone had never been his strong point, so he was doing his best here.

" _So_...have you eaten yet?" Frank asked curiously, and being the socially awkward mess that he was, Gerard didn't catch on to what Frank was trying to hint at, and he was left extremely puzzled by Frank's question.

"Uh... _no_? I just got home from work actually," Gerard stammered out, his eyebrows pulling downward as he tried to figure out why Frank wanted to know if he had consumed any food lately.

"Good, because I want to take you out for dinner as a thank you for taking care of me the other night."

"Uh - yeah...I - I would love that," Gerard managed to respond after he had made certain that he had hadn't misheard Frank, and he had just asked him out on what Gerard  _really_  fucking hoped was a date.

"Cool...well I don't know where you live, but if you give me your address, I can come pick you up - does Chinese food sound good, I have been craving some fried rice."

"That sounds perfect actually, um - I'll text you my address okay?" Gerard honestly couldn't recall his address right now, not when his brain was still trying to comprehend the fact that Frank was taking him out, but hopefully he would be able to pull himself together soon, or else Frank was going to have a hard time finding Gerard's place.

"Okay, I just need to change, but I'll probably be there in about thirty minutes." Frank ended the call before Gerard could say anything else, which was probably a good thing, because Gerard's brain was shorting out temporarily as the fact that Frank would be here in half an hour was beginning to sink in.

 _Fuck_  - Gerard had no idea what to wear, and he hadn't been on a date in ages - if this was even a real date, and he was nowhere near ready for this, even though he had been dreaming of going out with Frank for almost a year, but now that it was happening, Gerard was panicking.

He did manage to send Frank a text containing the address of his apartment complex and what floor and number he lived in, but after that, Gerard seemed unable to move,  _hell_  - breathing was a challenge, and Gerard really didn't know how he was going to make it through the night if he was this shaken up already, and Frank wasn't even here yet.

After standing stock still in the kitchen for almost ten minutes in a desperate attempt to slow his racing heart, Gerard realized that he needed help, because even thinking of picking out an outfit to wear that might impress Frank was causing him to hyperventilate - not that it  _really_  mattered, because it was fucking freezing out, and Gerard was going to cover up whatever he chose with the army green jacket he always wore in the cold, plus a scarf, but it  _did_  matter to Gerard.

Not knowing what else to do, Gerard unlocked his phone - which he was still clutching in his hand - and dialed Lindsey's number rapidly, because Lindsey was smart, and she went on tons of dates, and she would know just what to say to help Gerard get through this mini breakdown he was currently having.

Drumming his fingers impatiently against the countertop, because Gerard could feel each second sliding by, bringing Frank closer to his house with every tick of the old clock hanging in his kitchen, and Gerard was really running out of time here, but he tried not to dwell on that as his phone continued to ring shrilly.

"Gerard?" Lindsey finally picked up just when Gerard had been about to end the call and attempt to figure this out on his own, and Gerard instantly felt a wave of relief flooding his veins when his best friend's voice reached his ears.

"Oh my god Lindsey - you have to help me. Frank asked me on a date...at least - I  _think_  it's a date, and I don't know what to wear, and I'm sort of freaking out over here, and I  _really_  need your advice," Gerard babbled out, tripping over his words in his attempt to fill his friend in on what was happening as quickly as possible.

"Frank...as in  _Frankie_  - the drag queen?" Lindsey gasped, and it was only then that Gerard realized he hadn't had the chance to tell Lindsey about what had occurred after he left the club a few nights ago, even though he usually told her everything.

" _Yes_  - I ran into him on Wednesday after his show, and he was sick, so I walked him home...well - more like  _carried_  him actually, so yeah, and now he wants to take me out to dinner, and I'm not ready, and he is probably on his way here already..."

"What -  _seriously_!? Details Gee - I need details. Did you kiss him...did you fuck, did you -"

"No Lindsey,  _god_  - we only just met two days ago," Gerard exclaimed, his cheeks heating up at the images Lindsey's words had evoked in his mind.

"Yeah...but you have known him for a year -  _sort of_ , and I'm surprised you didn't jump on his dick as soon as he let you into his house," Lindsey chuckled, her laughter only increasing as Gerard groaned in annoyance.

"He was sick, and I don't want him to think I am a slut, and -  _look_ , I'll call you later tonight and tell you everything, but I'm running out of time here, so what should I wear to let him know I'm interested in him?" Gerard pleaded, trying his best to get his friend back on track so they could focus on the current dilemma that Gerard was dealing with.

"You don't have to wear anything special Gee, just fucking tell him you like him, and if he invited you out to dinner, I'm sure he likes you too." Lindsey's answer wasn't what Gerard wanted to receive as a response, because it didn't help him at all with his clothing dilemma, but it might have been exactly what he  _needed_  to calm his out of control nerves, because hearing Lindsey say that Frank was probably into him made it all the more real.

"Thanks Linds, but I still need to pick out something decent."

"Just wear those black skinny jeans that are tight as fuck, maybe a v-neck shirt, and a flannel on top. You look great in anything Gee," Lindsey assured him, and Gerard finally moved from the kitchen into the bedroom so he could pull out the items she was describing.

"Okay - thank you so much, you are a lifesaver," Gerard exhaled heavily, setting the clothes onto his bed so he could change into them as soon as he got off the phone.

"No problem Gee, and just be yourself okay. Don't overthink everything, and I'm sure you will be fine." 

"Okay - I'll  _try_ ," Gerard sighed, because that was really easier said than done, but Lindsey was probably right - she  _always_  was after all, and Frank had experienced a taste of Gerard's awkwardness the other night, and he didn't seem put off by it at all.

"And I swear, I will hunt you down and cut off your balls if you don't call me tonight and tell me literally everything that happened, in a loving way of course," Lindsey added in the most casual manner Gerard had ever heard someone talk about castration with, and  _honestly_  - Gerard didn't think Lindsey was kidding, and he made a mental note to make sure and contact her after his date.

"I will - I  _promise_ , but I have to go, Frank could literally be here any minute now," Gerard whined, trying his best to undress one handed while still keeping the phone pressed up against his ear.

"Okay Gee - good luck!" Lindsey called out, leaving Gerard with a smile on his face as he hung up the call and quickly divested himself of the rest of his work clothes before changing into the outfit Lindsey had picked out for him.

And when Gerard looked in the full length mirror he had found for five dollars at a yard sale one day, he had to admit - he did look pretty  _good_ , even his hair was mostly behaving, and it only took a few run-throughs with a brush before it was sitting just the way Gerard liked it, with a few strands sticking out of place here and there to make it look like Gerard hadn't tried very hard, even though that was pretty much the biggest lie in the universe.

Gerard had just finished applying a light layer of eyeliner, not too much, but just enough to make his eyes stand out, when a knock came at his door, and the calm composure Gerard had managed to maintain ever since his call with Lindsey evaporated in a puff of smoke.

 _Fuck_  - Frank was here, and when Gerard shot a nervous glance at the clock, he realized that he had arrived in exactly thirty minutes, just like he said, which meant that Gerard didn't have any time to try and clean up his apartment, but it wasn't like Frank was staying over, and maybe he wouldn't notice the mess that passed as Gerard's living room.

But what if Frank did notice...what if he thought Gerard was a sluggard, and he took back his offer of dinner when he saw Gerard's place - Frank's apartment had been spotless,  _pristine_  almost, and people like that probably wouldn't want to be around borderline slobs like Gerard.

Another knock broke Gerard out of his rapid spiral into nonsense, because even Gerard knew he was being sort of ridiculous by this point; he was just nervous, and Frank probably wouldn't give a shit about Gerard's living conditions, and he really needed to answer the god damn door before Frank assumed he wasn't home - or that he had stood him up, or  _something_  like that.

So with a monumental effort, Gerard forced his shaking limbs to walk the short distance to his front door, and before he could second guess himself any further, Gerard yanked it open perhaps a little harder than necessary, causing the person behind it to jump slightly, and -  _of course_  - that person was Frank, even though Gerard had been half convinced that it was going to be his neighbor or something, and he would have gotten all worked up over nothing, but thank god that wasn't the case.

"Hi -" Gerard choked out, his eyes raking over Frank's short frame, and  _fuck_  - Frank looked really good in his leather jacket and dark jeans.

"Hey." Frank seemed to be giving Gerard his own once over, and if the way his lips turned upward ever so slightly meant anything, he liked what he saw too.

"I just need to grab my jacket really quick - I'm sorry, you can come in if you want," Gerard blushed as Frank brushed past him, the slight contact sending a wave of heat rushing through him.

" _Wow_...where did you get this?" Gerard heard Frank exclaim while he was wrapping his scarf around his neck. He had lost sight of Frank almost as soon as he had entered his apartment, and even though the fact that Frank was wandering around his small flat with a curious eye made Gerard feel like he was being judged, he was doing his best to ignore the uncomfortable sensation.

When Gerard turned around, he saw Frank staring at a painting which hung on his wall; it was an abstract piece, mostly black and white with random splashes of color throughout it, and Frank was gazing at it like it was the most interesting thing in the entire fucking world.

"Oh...I - I painted it ages ago, I don't even know what it is supposed to be, but I thought it fit in with the room, so I hung it up..."

"You are fucking kidding me  _right_?" Frank exclaimed, and Gerard actually jumped when Frank spun around rapidly, fixing him with a look that Gerard could only label as amazement.

"Uh... _no_?" Gerard answered, even though it came out as more of a question than anything, but Gerard really didn't understand why Frank was making such a big deal over a crappy painting.

"I can't believe you made this -  _holy_   _shit_ , I would fucking kill to have something like this in my apartment," Frank gasped, and Gerard giggled slightly at Frank, because the way he punctuated every sentence with a curse word was very endearing, in Gerard's mind at least.

"Well - I can totally paint you something if you want," Gerard smiled nervously. No one had ever asked Gerard for him to make them anything, not even his friends, and the fact that Frank wanted Gerard's artwork in his apartment meant the fucking  _world_  to Gerard.

"Yes please!" Frank practically squealed before catching Gerard entirely off guard when he tackled him with a hug, causing Gerard to fall to the ground in surprise when Frank wrapped his arms around him tightly.

Gerard felt like the biggest idiot in the world when he opened his eyes to see Frank's perfect face staring down at him in concern, because  _seriously_  - who the fuck topples over when someone hugs you, besides Gerard apparently, and Gerard really wished he could phase through the floor and hide from Frank until his wave of embarrassment passed.

"Oh my god - I'm  _so_  sorry, are you okay?" Gerard heaved out, trying to push down the mortification that was threatening to swallow him whole with an apology, even though Frank had landed on top of Gerard, so he had avoided the worst of the fall, and he was still grinning like someone had just told him he won the fucking lottery or some shit.

"No - I'm sorry, I just got really excited, but I shouldn't have jumped you like that," Frank chuckled as he pulled himself to his feet, helping Gerard up in the process.

"I didn't mind," Gerard whispered quietly, his cheeks heating up as he dusted some nonexistent dirt off his jacket, because even though the fall had hurt a bit, having Frank on top of him had been  _totally_  worth it.

"Well I don't know about you, but I'm starving, and I'm supposed to be taking you out for dinner, not bullying you into painting something for me."

"It's fine, and I totally want to, but I'm ready to go if you are...we can talk more about it at dinner," Gerard suggested, eager to get out of the house before he did anything else stupid in front of Frank, not that being in public was likely to help his inherent clumsiness, but  _whatever_.

"Let's go then. You are going to love this place, I found it a few years back, and their fried rice is to  _die_  for, not to mention the egg rolls, and..." Gerard didn't hear the rest of what Frank was saying, because as they were walking out of Gerard's front door, Frank had captured Gerard's hand in his, and all Gerard could focus on was the way their fingers fit perfectly together, and the tingling sensation that shot up his arm every time Frank tightened his hold slightly.

This evening had already been perfect, and they weren't even out the door yet, which only made Gerard wonder how amazing dinner with Frank was going to be, but he already knew it was would probably be the best night of his life.


	8. Much Conversation Hella Homo Flirting Very Good Vibes

" _See_  - didn't I tell you?" Frank smirked at Gerard, and if Gerard hadn't been so busy having a borderline food orgasm, he would probably have melted into a puddle on the floor, because Frank smirking was too fucking  _cute_ , but Gerard was slightly occupied at the moment.

" _Oh my god_..." Gerard mumbled around his mouthful of fried rice, trying to keep his eyes from rolling up into the back of his head, because Frank hadn't been kidding,  _seriously_  - this was the best meal Gerard had ever eaten.

"Holy shit - your face!" Frank chuckled gleefully before taking a bite of his own food, his features twisting into an obnoxious expression that Gerard could only assume was supposed to be an imitation of him.

"I so do not look like that," Gerard pouted, his cheeks heating up as Frank continued to giggle softly.

"Oh  _come on_  - that was like looking in a mirror," Frank retorted back, and even though what he had said wasn't that hilarious, Gerard found himself erupting into a fit of laughter.

Gerard couldn't believe how comfortable he felt around Frank right now, because Gerard hated going out in public unless he had to, and the few times he did, there was usually alcohol involved, so he could hide his nerves in the liquid courage a drink always gave him, but  _this_  - this was nice,  _really_  nice actually, and Gerard was more relaxed right now than he had ever been around another person.

"Seriously though, this food is amazing, and I have to say, I did not have high hopes when I saw the place," Gerard wheezed out when he finally managed to quiet his random bout of mirth.

"I know it looks sketchy, but it seems like the best places are always those old hole in the walls - you know?" Frank gestured with his fork as he spoke before using it for its intended purpose and shoveling some more food into his mouth.

"I wouldn't really know, I pretty much survive on take out," Gerard admitted softly, hoping Frank wouldn't instantly assume that he was a recluse who never left his house unless he had to, which he basically  _was_ , but he wasn't ready for Frank to know that yet.

"Well I am making it my personal mission to take you to all the best restaurants in town now," Frank declared, thumping his fist on the table for extra emphasis.

"I'd like that," Gerard muttered quietly, glancing down at his plate in a pathetic attempt to hide his reddening cheeks.

"So how did you end up in New York, because I can tell from your accent that you are Jersey born?" Frank questioned after a few minutes of silence, broken only by the clattering of their utensils against their plates.

Gerard's head snapped up quickly, because he was surprised that Frank had noticed, even though thanks to some interest research that Gerard would  _never_  admit to partaking in, he knew that Frank was from New Jersey too, so it would make sense that he would have picked up on it, but Frank's question had still caught him off guard.

"Um - yeah, I am. I moved up here pretty much the second I turned eighteen. I have always wanted to live here, and the Cartoon Network building was a big motivation - I'm an artist by the way, and it was my dream to illustrate for them," Gerard explained in a shaky voice, wringing his hands underneath the table as he spoke, trying to make sure he kept his story short so he wouldn't end up boring Frank.

"I sort of assumed you were when I saw the painting in your house, but seriously - that is so  _fucking_  cool. I'm a shitty artist, but I have always loved sketching crappy ghosts and whatever just for fun."

"I'm sure you aren't that bad," Gerard smiled sheepishly.

"No - I'm not even kidding, I am literally  _terrible_ , but that almost makes me appreciate art more - you know? I would love to see some of your drawings some time...if that's okay?" Frank asked, and Gerard almost bit his tongue while rapidly nodding his head in agreement.

"Yeah - of course, and I'm totally going to paint you something soon, I haven't worked on canvas in ages though, so don't expect it to be amazing."

"Shut up - I'm going to love whatever you make, I will bet my life on it," Frank grinned, and Gerard couldn't hold back the soft giggle that escaped his mouth, because Frank's confidence in him had Gerard bursting with joy, almost to the point that the overwhelming emotions were becoming painful, and he had to find some way to release it before he exploded, so apparently his body used laughter to accomplish that.

"Please don't do that, I would be so sad if you died," Gerard teased, and he was momentarily shocked that he had managed to say something slightly flirtatious without his face becoming a volcano, but he  _had_ , and Gerard counted this moment among one of his greatest achievements.

" _Aww_  really?" Frank asked, and unless Gerard was mistaken, Frank's cheeks had turned a darker shade of pink, but that could just be a trick of the light, or  _something_ , because there was no way that Gerard had actually managed to make Frank blush - no way in hell.

"Well yeah - then I wouldn't get my tour of the best restaurants in New York." Gerard was on a roll now, and he had to resist the urge to fist pump the air at how normal he was acting, and how well this  _maybe_  date was going, because that would really ruin his hot streak of not acting like a weirdo for more than five seconds.

"That is very true," Frank chuckled softly, leaning closer to Gerard before he spoke again. "So, did you end up getting that job with Cartoon Network?" Frank asked, and Gerard was shocked to see genuine curiosity in his eyes, because someone like Frank shouldn't care about Gerard's boring life, but it seemed like - by some  _miracle_  - that he actually did.

"I did, but not in the way I wanted...it's my own fault really though. I mean - I know most illustrators have a college degree, but my parents refused to pay for me if I was going to choose art as my major, so I applied as soon as I graduated high school. I thought maybe I had a chance, my sketches were pretty decent, and some of my teachers had encouraged me to go for it...so I did. I only got an entry level position, mostly just filing and paperwork - that sort of thing, and at first, I was so fucking  _excited_ , because I thought I would work my way up to drawing on actual cartoons, but it's been almost four years now, and it doesn't seem like I've caught anyone's attention -" Gerard cut himself off suddenly once the realization that he had been rambling set in, but when he glanced at Frank's face, expecting to see a slightly bored expression plastered across his features, he was met with Frank's wide eyes, which were staring at him with a fierce intensity that couldn't be faked.

"Your boss is an idiot then, and I don't even need to see your sketches to know that. I bet you would make the best cartoons, but hey - maybe you should branch out? Try to sell some of your paintings online or something, I bet more people than just me would be interested in them," Frank suggested, and even though Gerard had pondered the idea before, eventually deciding against it because he didn't want to deal with rejection from total strangers, hearing it come out of Frank's mouth made him reconsider his earlier decision.

"Hmm...maybe you are right - I'll think about it." Gerard took a quick sip of his drink before turning back to Frank, brimming with his own questions. "What about you - how did you end up as a... _performer_?" Gerard stumbled over his words, because he wasn't entirely sure if Frank was comfortably talking about his other side in public, or if that topic was off limits outside of the club.

"You mean a  _drag queen_? It's okay to say it Gerard, I'm not embarrassed or anything."

"Yeah -  _that_ , I just didn't want to cross a line, or whatever." Gerard flailed his hands around aimlessly, his nervous habits coming back now that he had hit what he considered a snag in their conversation.

"Well, it's sort of a long story..." Frank trailed off, staring at Gerard as if waiting for his signal before continuing, which Gerard gave eagerly in the form of a rapid nod of his head. "It definitely wasn't my first career choice, that was for sure. I mean - I always had a thing for women's clothing, I'm not even sure why, I just feel good in them, and my parents were super encouraging, they even threatened to sue my high school when they gave me detention for wearing a skirt to class one day."

" _Wow_  - your parents sound like the polar opposites of mine," Gerard gasped. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I just can't imagine what that must have been like," Gerard stuttered out, because he really hadn't meant to cut Frank off, he had just spoken without thinking.

"So your folks are pretty strict?" Frank asked, and once again, Gerard was caught off guard by how interested Frank seemed to be in any minute detail about his life Gerard provided him with.

"You have  _no_  idea... _god_  - if they could see me now," Gerard chuckled weakly, because in all honesty, his parents would probably drag him straight to church and lock him inside until he saw the light again, or  _whatever_  the fuck they called it.

"So that's why you moved out here huh?" Frank questioned gently, as if he knew he was stepping on delicate ground, but Gerard didn't mind for once -  _actually_ , he wanted to tell Frank about his past, which was an entirely new feeling for him.

"Yeah - they were always so uncompromising, and they had this whole plan for my life: graduate high school with perfect marks, go to college to become a doctor - or something else just as important, get married to a girl, have kids, settled down -  _yeah_...not for me," Gerard laughed nervously, slightly terrified about letting Frank see this small glimpse into teenage Gerard's life, but it felt good to talk about it with another person, especially when that person was Frank.

"That was really brave of you to make your own choices and start a new life here."

"You think so?" Gerard choked out as small bubbles of pride battered his insides.

"Well  _yeah_  - I mean, you said you couldn't imagine what it is like to be me, but I can't even begin to think what it what like for you. Parents are supposed to support you, no matter what, and it makes me sad that yours didn't do that, but I'm so happy that you got away from all that negativity, and you are figuring shit out for yourself," Frank grinned broadly, and Gerard couldn't help but return his gesture.

" _Yeah_...it's been harder than I thought - I mean, I only figured out that I was gay two years ago, and I still haven't had a real boyfriend, or figured out why I liked skirts so much -  _oh_..." Gerard physically clasped his hands over his mouth to shut himself up, because he hadn't meant to let that slip out, it was a secret that only he and Lindsey knew, and even though it would be insanely hypocritical of Frank to judge Gerard because of this, Gerard was still  _really_  fucking scared of his reaction.

" _Hey_...it's okay Gerard, you don't have to know right away, and if you want, I can try and help you figure out what you like and don't like - how old are you anyway?"

"I'm twenty-two," Gerard mumbled around his fingers.

"Oh  _wow_...I feel old now, but see - you are still young, and you have plenty of time to find out what works for you, and who you are," Frank assured Gerard gently.

" _Wait_  - how old are you?" Gerard questioned, because none of his internet stalking had revealed Frank's age, and now he was genuinely curious.

"I'm twenty-nine, but my birthday was just a month ago, and I still feel like I'm twenty-one most of the time," Frank admitted, his voice rising in pitch slightly, as if he was nervous that Gerard would be freaked out by their age gap, even though the few years separating them meant less than nothing to Gerard -  _hell_ , Frank could have been forty and Gerard would still be attracted to him.

"So it's not weird that I'm still confused as fuck?" Gerard asked, and he didn't miss Frank's sigh of relief at Gerard's easy acceptance of their age gap.

"Not at all, especially with your upbringing."

"Okay, so we totally got off track, but I still want to hear how you ended up as a drag queen," Gerard pressed, because he  _really_  wanted to know more about the younger version of Frank.

"Oh yeah - well I was that typical punk kid if you ignored the fact that I liked to dress up as a girl every now and then, but I was in a band, I played guitar and sang sometimes, and I had a freaking mohawk and everything. When I graduated high school, I had no plans to go to college, I was so convinced our band was going to make it big, it seemed like a waste of time, but - as you can probably guess - we broke up not too long after that. So I bounced from band to band, trying to make a living doing what I loved, because music was my entire world, and I couldn't imagine doing anything else, but I hit a dead end pretty quickly, and I got to the point where I could barely pay my rent."

Gerard had to hold in a squeal as Frank spoke, because  _fuck_  - the image of an angsty little Frank on stage with a freaking mohawk was sort of his new favorite thing, and Gerard would have paid good money for a time machine so he could go back and witness this first hand, but Frank was still talking, and Gerard tuned back in so he wouldn't miss any of Frank's words.

"So I started looking around for work, and I got hired at the club where I perform now, but not as a drag queen, I was just a bartender at the time, but I got really interested in the idea, and I began to get close to some of the guys who perform there. They encouraged me to give it a go, and the owner loved me so much, he doubled my pay as long as I do a show once a week, and even though I was really nervous about the whole thing at first, I seriously love it now, and I can't think of anything else I would rather do." By the time Frank was finished speaking, he had a nostalgic smile on his face, and Gerard wasn't ready for him to stop talking, because he could seriously sit here and listen to Frank until his ass was numb and his food was stone cold, and then some.

" _Wow_  - that's so cool, and you still get to make music in a way, which is pretty fucking  _awesome_."

"Yeah - I have actually been debating over whether I should sing some of my original pieces, but they aren't very showy, so I don't know how that would go over with the crowd," Frank shrugged slightly, as if the fact that he composed music wasn't that big of deal, even though it  _really_  was to Gerard.

"Oh my god - I would  _literally_  cut off my arm to hear one of your songs," Gerard gushed, his teenage fanboy rearing up before Gerard had the chance to contain it, but he was so excited by the fact that Frank wrote music that he didn't even remember to be embarrassed.

" _Really_...well maybe I will give you a sneak preview sometime, like a private showing," Frank winked, and  _fuck_  - there went whatever was left of Gerard's heart, because Frank had just claimed it all for himself, not that he hadn't already owned the majority of it before today, but now it was official.

Gerard was falling for Frank so hard, it was sort of  _ridiculous_ , but Gerard didn't even attempt to catch himself, it would be a pointless effort anyway, and he was enjoying the sensation too much to ever consider such a thing.


	9. Gerard Friend-Zones Himself And I Am The 1975 Trash

The rest of the evening passed far too quickly for Gerard's liking, but there was a limit to how slowly Gerard could eat, especially when the food was  _this_  good, and it seemed that the old saying " _time flies when you are having fun_ " was true after all, actually, it seemed to move at warp speed when he was with Frank.

Before Gerard knew it, both of their plates were empty, and he was fighting the urge to release the top button of his pants to try and accommodate all the food he had devoured; Frank probably wouldn't notice, and Gerard was really regretting wearing his tightest pair of jeans right now, but just then, the waiter came by with their check, successfully distracting Gerard from his constricting waistband for the moment.

"Let me get it," Gerard whined, but Frank was too fast for him, grabbing the piece of paper in his tattooed hands before Gerard could make a move for it.

"No way, this is me thanking you -  _remember_ , so I'm paying, end of story."

Gerard briefly debated snatching the check away from Frank, but knowing his luck, it would probably rip in half, or something else just as embarrassing, so he stayed still, even though he didn't feel entirely comfortable letting someone else pay for his meal.

"If you are sure," Gerard sighed out, still eyeing the bill in an attempt to read the total price, because if it was too much, maybe Gerard could convince Frank to split it with him.

"No peeking," Frank giggled, and Gerard blushed at the fact that his body language had been so easy to read, either that, or Frank was psychic, but if he was, he would probably have already run for the hills as soon as he got a glimpse of Gerard's thoughts about him, so Gerard quickly dismissed that option from his mind.

"I'm sorry, I'm just not used to people paying for me, and I feel bad," Gerard admitted softly.

" _Hey_  - why would you feel bad? I wanted to treat you, if I hadn't, I never would have invited you out, and after everything you did for me, you deserve a hell of a lot more than one meal," Frank smiled genuinely, the expression causing those damn butterflies to awaken once again,  _seriously_  - Gerard was getting slightly annoyed with the creatures, and their presence in his full stomach wasn't entirely pleasant.

"I didn't really do anything though, you just needed some help, and it was no big deal," Gerard shrugged, resigning himself to the fact that he was going to have to get over his discomfort with Frank paying for him, because he had already placed his money in the billfold, and Gerard wasn't going to make a scene by continuing to persist now.

"No big deal...Gerard - you fucking  _carried_  me home, watched over me while I was puking my guts out, stayed the entire night with me, even though I'm sure you had better things to do, and then made me breakfast. If that is no big deal, then you are the nicest person in the fucking world -  _actually_ , I'm pretty convinced that you are," Frank chuckled, and Gerard could see his point now, it sounded much better laid out in words than in Gerard's head, but he still didn't feel like Frank owed him for his actions, especially since he couldn't think of anything that would beat spending the night with Frank, even if he had been sick.

"No - I'm  _really_  not, but thank you I guess, I just...I couldn't leave you like that," Gerard mumbled, trying his best not to mention his year long crush on Frank, and how it really hadn't been any burden at all to him, because Frank really didn't need to know about that.

"But anyone else would, and you didn't, and that meant a lot to me, and just...I don't know - you are  _special_  Gerard."

"I..." Gerard trailed off awkwardly, because he couldn't think of anything to say when Frank was looking at him like that, his eyes wide and honest with his lips curled upward in a soft smile. Gerard's brain was practically short circuiting right now, because every instinct in his body was screaming at him to lean across the table and kiss Frank, but his mind wouldn't let him.

Frank wouldn't want to kiss Gerard anyway, because even if he didn't have a boyfriend, there was no way he would be attracted to someone like Gerard; he was just grateful - that was all it was, and all it would ever be, so with a monumental amount of effort, Gerard shoved down his irrational urges, forcing his lips to form into a weak grin to hide his internal struggle.

"Come on, it's getting late, and I should probably get you home." Frank stood up suddenly, holding his hand out to Gerard, and it took Gerard longer than it should have to lace their fingers together and allow Frank to pull him to his feet, his legs shaking slightly underneath him before he regained control of his body.

The drive home passed just as rapidly as the rest of the evening, with the time spent listening to a cd from some band Frank was currently in love called The 1975, and even though they weren't really Gerard's taste, he found himself nodding his head to the beat of a few of their songs, his heart fluttering erratically as Frank began singing along enthusiastically, grinning over at Gerard every now and then with a look of pure joy on his face.

When Frank pulled up in front of Gerard's apartment complex, Gerard sighed softly, because he really didn't want this night to end, but he had work in the morning, and it wasn't as if he could ask Frank to come in for a bit; that would be  _way_  too forward, and Gerard didn't want Frank to think Gerard wanted something more out of this evening...even though he actually  _did_ , but he had been too terrified to even kiss Frank, so there was no way he could convince himself to make a move on the gorgeous man sitting beside him.

But when Gerard glanced to his left, Frank was no longer in the driver's seat, and Gerard had a slight moment of panic, trying to figure out where the fuck Frank had gone, but he quickly got his answer when his door was pulled open, his gaze snapping to Frank's short figure standing outside the car, once again holding his hand out to Gerard.

"Come on cutie," Frank giggled, and Gerard had to hold back a hysterical laugh of his own, because no one had ever opened a car door for him, and even though it was such a simple thing, it meant so much to him, and it was making him fall for Frank that much harder, which probably wasn't a good thing, because Gerard was ninety-nine percent sure that Frank didn't feel the same way, even if he had just called him cutie again.

"Sorry, I sort of spaced out there," Gerard apologized, allowing Frank to tug him from the car gently before they began walking up the rickety stairs which led to Gerard's floor, their hands falling apart a few steps in, much to Gerard's disappointment.

"I noticed," Frank teased, nudging Gerard's side in a friendly manner that had Gerard stumbling slightly. "What were you thinking about?" Frank asked curiously, his feet coming to a halt when they reached Gerard's door.

"Um...just you, and tonight, and how amazing this was, and how I want to do it again sometime soon," Gerard mumbled, ending on a whisper that was so quiet, he wasn't sure if Frank had heard him or not.

"I had a really great time too, and of course we are going to do this again, I have to take you out to all the best restaurants in New York after all," Frank smirked, his hands twitching slightly at his sides, and somehow, Gerard found the courage to grab them with his own, rubbing his thumb lightly over Frank's knuckles, trying his best to still the small tremors shaking his body before Frank noticed.

"I'm paying next time though," Gerard demanded, earning himself a playful eye roll from Frank.

" _Fine_...you can pay, but you might have to wrestle me for the check." Frank arched one eyebrow suggestively, and Gerard swore his entire body erupted in a fierce blush, not just his cheeks.

"First you tackle me to the floor, then you want to wrestle me, I think you have some pent up aggression in there Frank," Gerard teased, doing his best to ignore how his heart was beating painfully loud in his chest at the thought of having Frank pinned on the ground in a ' _playful'_  wrestling match.

"Maybe I do, it's the leftover angry punk in me," Frank shrugged, taking a step closer so his body was almost pressed against Gerard's.

"So...uh...I guess just call me whenever you are free, I get home by five usually, and weekends are always good for me, uh - or you can text me whenever, like if you are feeling sick, or bored, or  _whatever_  - oh and let me know what you want me to paint you," Gerard rambled nervously, the close proximity to Frank's warm skin was making him seriously jittery, and that dammed urge to lean down and kiss him was back, but it was even stronger than it had been before.

Maybe Frank wanted to as well; he hadn't pulled away from Gerard's hold on his hands after all, and he was standing so close to him, but what if he didn't, and Gerard ruined everything by being too forward? Gerard wasn't even if sure if this was a date, and his experience with guys was limited to the club, where it was very obvious if someone wanted you or not, but here, in this situation, Gerard was lost and confused, and one wrong move could cause him to lose Frank forever.

"Yeah, I will, and don't be surprised if you hear from me soon - I  _really_  want to see you again," Frank smiled, stepping back a few paces as he spoke, which allowed Gerard to breathe properly once again, but it also caused his heart to twinge painfully, because Frank was distancing himself from Gerard, which meant he probably didn't want to kiss him after all.

"Seriously, text me whenever you want, or call me - whatever," Gerard shrugged, shifting back and forth on his feet slightly as he waited for Frank to either leave, or move closer to him once again.

"I will, and I will see you at my show right?" Frank asked, and he seemed nervous too, even though it wasn't like Gerard had ever missed one of his shows, so the question didn't even need to be asked.

"Definitely," Gerard assured him.

"Okay then...well I guess I will see you Wednesday, if not sooner," Frank smiled, his eyes darting around, landing on everything but Gerard.

"Yeah...so, um - thanks again," Gerard mumbled when Frank continued to stand there awkwardly.

Then Frank moved, only slightly, but it was enough to have Gerard's heart doubling in speed, because he thought that Frank was going to kiss him, but he didn't -  _of course_  he didn't; instead, he simply wrapped his arms around Gerard, engulfing him in a friendly embrace, and although it wasn't exactly what Gerard wanted, it was still  _really_  fucking nice, and Gerard found himself nuzzling into the crook of Frank's neck, breathing in deeply as Frank tightened his hold the smallest bit.

Gerard wasn't sure how much time had passed while they maintained that position, but it wasn't long enough, and it never would be. Frank was a really good hugger, and this was much better than their previous embrace which had ended up with Gerard on the floor, not that Gerard would mind if that happened again, but maybe a bed would be more preferable, but  _no_  - Frank was hugging him, not kissing him, and  _friends_  hugged, which meant Frank probably wanted them to stay that way, which was fine with Gerard, not  _ideal_ , but definitely better than nothing.

"Goodnight," Frank whispered as they pulled apart, and maybe Gerard imagined it, but it seemed like Frank's lips brushed his cheek in passing, but it was just a slight touch, not a proper kiss, and it was probably just an accident, if it had even happened at all that is.

"Goodnight," Gerard responded when he finally got his thick tongue to form words once more, but Frank was already gone, his back turned away from Gerard as he descend the stairs which led down to the parking lot, leaving Gerard alone again, with only his thoughts and regrets for company.


	10. Gerard Pops Another Boner Because Of Frank - No Surprise There

Before Gerard knew it, Wednesday had arrived, and he found himself getting ready to head out to the club after he awoke from a quick nap; work had been especially tiring for him today, and he didn't want to seem sleepy or out of it tonight, especially not when he would be seeing Frank for the first time since their date.

Gerard had been unsure if he should immediately text Frank after their dinner, because even though Frank had explicitly said that he wanted to see Gerard again very soon, Gerard was afraid of coming off as too desperate, especially since it seemed pretty clear that Frank was only looking for a friend right now, the lack of a kiss had attested to that, and Gerard had no idea what the etiquette for friendships was, especially when he was harboring a crush on the other party, so he had let Frank make the first move, or the second move... _whatever_.

Frank didn't disappoint him, and it only took him two days to ring up Gerard, but Gerard had promised to go out with Lindsey that night, and as much as he wanted to call their outing off so he could see Frank again, Frank refused to let him do anything such thing, reassuring Gerard that they would see each other soon, and that he needed to go out with his friend.

They had ended up talking for quite a while though, and for someone who hated speaking on the phone at all, especially for any extended periods of time, Gerard found himself having a two hour conversation with Frank, leaving him with roughly five minutes to get dressed before Lindsey came over, but it was totally worth it to get to hear Frank's voice again.

Lindsey immediately began asking questions as soon as she walked inside, and without needing much prodding at all, Gerard quickly relayed every detail of what had happened on his date with Frank, starting with the hug/tackle in his apartment, and ending with the disappointing lack of a kiss, and Gerard's confusion over what Frank felt for him, which he was now convinced was only basic friendship.

Lindsey scoffed loudly at Gerard's hypothesis, stating that friends didn't hug like  _that_ , especially not so soon, and when Gerard tried to argue that Frank was simply a touchy person, and it had meant nothing to him, Lindsey became determined to prove him wrong.

"Does he have any social media that you know of?" Lindsey asked, ignoring Gerard's protests as she snatched his phone out of his hand.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Gerard whined, because  _yes_  - he might follow Frank on Twitter, well, actually it was only her Frankie profile, and Gerard was sure he had a personal one that he was unaware of, but still, Gerard didn't see where Lindsey was going with this.

"Because, people are more honest on the internet than in person, and he probably said something about your date," Lindsey reasoned, and Gerard had to agree, she did have a point, and he felt slightly stupid for not checking Frankie's Twitter earlier, but maybe he had just been avoiding rejection, because if Frank had said something hurtful, or even worse,  _nothing_  at all, Gerard wasn't sure how he would react, but tears would probably be involved.

But Gerard didn't have to find out, because when he scrolled through the few tweets Frankie had posted recently, trying to get back to Friday night, he did indeed find a tweet that could only be about him, unless Frank had taken someone else out after he had left Gerard, which was ridiculous, and even Gerard couldn't make himself believe that, so with a soft smile, he handed his phone to Lindsey, basking in the fuzzy feeling that was overtaking his heart as he repeated the tweet over and over in his mind.

_"Went out with an amazing guy tonight - I don't know if he feels the same way as I do, but fingers crossed that he does."_

" _See_  - he likes you, he just thinks you don't like him," Lindsey squealed, causing Gerard to shoot her a questioning look, because he had been slightly caught up on the words " _amazing guy_ " being applied to him, and the rest of the tweet hadn't really sunk in yet.

" _What_  - that's ridiculous, I was practically drooling over him all night, he would have to be blind not see how into him I am," Gerard exclaimed, because  _really_ , Gerard couldn't fathom how Frank could have missed the blushing at every other word, not to mention the constant hand holding, which was basically a neon sign proclaiming his love for Frank, but maybe that was how Frank acted with all of his friends...or maybe it wasn't,  _fuck_  - Gerard didn't know, but what else could that tweet have meant?

"Gee, I have seen your idea of flirting, and it is pretty fucking terrible, unless you are drunk that is, so I can totally see how he would get the wrong idea."

"So what do I do?" Gerard huffed, his mind replaying all the events of his dinner with Frank, trying to pick out what he had done wrong, what he would need to change for next time, but he had thought their date went relatively well, and he didn't know what else he could do show Frank he was into him, besides actually speaking the words that is.

"I think that's  _obvious_  Gee - you fucking tell him the truth, tell him you like him as more than a friend, tell him you want more, and unless this tweet is a lie, he wants the same thing," Lindsey sighed, throwing her hands up in frustration like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and even though it seemed that way to her, it wasn't to Gerard.

"Oh yeah I'll just walk up to him and say ' _hey - so we barely know each other, but I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you, so can we kiss next time, or fuck, whatever_ ' yeah - that will go over well I'm sure," Gerard scoffed, his cheeks burning slightly as he imagined having that conversation with Frank - well, not with those  _exact_  words, but admitting his long standing crush to Frank was not something he thought he was physically capable of accomplishing.

But Lindsey was right in a way, and the fact remained that Gerard had somehow managed to friend zone himself, so he needed to fix this before Frank moved on to someone else, but the thought of actually putting his feelings into words was terrifying, and Gerard wasn't ready to do that - not  _yet_  anyway, because what if Frank said  _no_ , what if Gerard ruined everything, and he couldn't risk losing Frank, not when he had only just started to get to know him - the  _real_  him.

But now it was Wednesday night, and Lindsey's words were dancing around in his head as he walked the familiar route to the club, and Gerard couldn't help but wonder if she was right, that if he didn't speak up now, Frank would get bored, Frank would find another man that could express himself in ways Gerard never could, and the thought alone was heartbreaking, so as much as it terrified him, Gerard knew he had to step it up, he just didn't know  _how_.

He didn't get any longer to ponder it either, because as soon as he walked into the dimly lightly club, he spied Frank in the back corner, his eyes immediately drawn to his short frame, which was still dressed in his street clothes. He waved Gerard over eagerly, and Gerard quickly made a path through the other patrons, desperate to be at Frank's side once again.

"Hey - you made it," Frank smiled, his voice slightly raised so he could be heard over the loud chatter that was currently filling the club.

"Yeah I did, I missed you," Gerard admitted quietly, and by the slightly confused expression on Frank's face, he hadn't managed to catch his words.

"Come back to my dressing room, it's quieter in there," Frank gestured with his hand toward a small doorway as he started walking, and Gerard followed willing. He had always wanted to see what was back here, but he never had the guts to approach the performers in the past.

The private area where the performers prepared for their shows wasn't as glamorous as Gerard had imagined, it was actually very plain, with off white walls and brown wooden doors, a few tables covered in miscellaneous items placed in random corners, but it was still fascinating, with drag queens walking around in all stages of dress, from regular clothes to full costume, most of them pausing a moment to say hello to Frank, and one or two even shot Gerard a quick wave, to which he blushed nervously and looked down at his shoes, almost tripping numerous times before he reached a plain door, which Frank pulled open before tugging Gerard inside.

"You okay?" Frank asked, and Gerard nodded quickly, trying his best to control his breathing, which had escalated slightly with the excitement of finally getting to be behind the scenes.

"Yeah, just nervous I guess, I have always wanted to come back here, and it is a bit overwhelming."

"It can be crazy sometimes, but everyone is really friendly, and you will get used to it soon," Frank assured him. "So this is where I get ready for the show," Frank smiled, opening a small wardrobe and letting Gerard get a peek at the numerous shimmering dresses that hung upon metal hangers. "I share the space with Brendon and Rainne, but they go on earlier then I do, so they are probably backstage already, or off fucking somewhere." Gerard hummed absentmindedly, because the names sort of rang a bell, but he was distracted by the excess of fabric in front of his face.

" _Wow_...this is beautiful," Gerard murmured, fingering the satiny texture of a dark red dress that had caught his eye, one that he hadn't seen Frank wear before.

"You think so?" Frank asked quietly, and Gerard did his best not to jump when he felt Frank's warm body barely two inches behind him.

"Yeah...you look so good in dresses."

"I think that one would look better on you," Frank whispered softly, his arm coming around Gerard so he could lift the dress off the hanger, holding it up in front of Gerard invitingly.

"Oh no, I couldn't, not  _here_...I - I," Gerard stammered nervously, because it was as if Frank had read his mind; he had literally been picturing how he would look in the dark red satin, but he couldn't pull it off anywhere near as well as Frank, and he was much too embarrassed to even try.

"Hey, don't worry about it, it was just a suggestion," Frank shrugged, putting the dress back in its previous place before thumbing through the rest of the selection idly. "Maybe you could help me pick something out for tonight, I'm thinking colorful, but I just can't decide."

"Oh yeah - I can do that," Gerard exhaled in relief, grateful to have Frank's attention turned away from him for the moment. "What about this one - I really like the sheen to it." Gerard pulled out an interesting looking dress, it wasn't quite yellow, but not gold either, and the intriguing shade and flattering fit would make Frank's eyes pop beautifully.

"I forgot I owned this one, I haven't worn it in ages," Frank smiled, pulling it off the rack and laying it down over the long table that dominated the room.

"I think you will look really beautiful in that," Gerard whispered, his cheeks burning red as Frank's eyes snapped up to his face as soon as he started speaking.

"Yeah?" Frank asked, and  _oh fuck_  - he was blushing too, he  _had_  to be, either that, or he had suddenly come down with a fever, but he didn't look sick, and Gerard was almost one hundred percent certain that he had been the cause of the rush of blood to Frank's face.

"Mhmm," Gerard nodded his head, trying to convince his feet to close the distance between them, to make up for his awkwardness on Friday by showing Frank he was interested in him right now, but before he could gain any forward momentum, Frank began rummaging around in a nearby drawer, pulling out something that looked just like a bra...and panties... _oh_   _fuck_.

"Well, I've got to get changed, and it's sort of a long process. You can totally stay if you want, but you might be more comfortable hanging out at the bar until I'm done," Frank spoke up, his hands stilling as he waited for Gerard's answer.

And even though Gerard was dying to see Frank transform into Frankie, he could already feel himself getting hard, and there was no way he would be able to keep himself composed if he saw Frank stripping down to nothing, all of his tattooed skin on display for Gerard's eyes only, then he would pull those lacy panties over his ass,  _oh god_  - Gerard had to get out of here now before his problem became any more obvious.

"I - uh, I'll go wait at the bar, but I can come back here when you are done right?" Gerard asked, his hands pulling down the edges of his coat in the hopes of hiding the tightening in his jeans.

"Yeah of course, I'll send someone to let you know when I'm decent,  _oh_  - and the drinks are on me tonight, the bartender already knows that your tab is covered," Frank smirked, causing Gerard to stop in his backward retreat from the room.

"Frank -  _no_ , I can pay for my own drinks," Gerard exclaimed, trying to ignore Frank's amused expression, because he looked  _really_  fucking cute right now, and it was hard to stay mad at him when he was grinning like an idiot.

"Too late, plus - you have been coming here every Wednesday for ages, I'm sure you have provided us enough money to remodel the damn place," Frank chuckled, his hands going to the waistband of his dark jeans as he spoke, the button popping easily as Frank moved on to the zipper.

"I - uh, okay, but only this time," Gerard stammered out, closing the door behind him quickly as Frank's pants began to fall to the floor, Gerard's own zipper chafing uncomfortably against his irritating boner.

Gerard slammed his head against the wooden door softly, groaning to himself as he cursed his inability to act like a normal horny guy, because what better way to show Frank that he was interested in him then to be in a room with him as he changed, but as usual, Gerard had fucked up, and there was no way that he could go back in there now, that would be beyond mortifying.

So with a frustrated sigh, Gerard made his way over to the bar, intending to get as buzzed as possible before Frank called him back in, because alcohol seemed to push his anxiety into the furthest corner of his mind, and maybe if he ingested enough liquor, he could tell Frank how he felt, he could explain how much he wanted to be with him, maybe he could even  _kiss_  him.

And  _really_ , this was a stupid idea, and some part of Gerard's brain knew that as he downed the first shot, because getting drunk wasn't going to solve his problems, but right now, Gerard didn't see any other options, so even though he knew he was probably going to regret this later, Gerard signaled the bartender for another drink, desperate to feel the fuzzy sensation that would soon appear after a few more shots.


	11. In Which Gerard Is An Awkward Giraffe That Doesn't Know The Meaning Of No

Gerard awoke to the sensation of thousands of knives being shoved into his skull all at once, or at least, that's what it felt like to him, because nothing else could produce this kind of agony besides the previously mentioned torture, but when Gerard forced his eyes open, which was a task in itself due to the sleep gunk clogging them, he didn't see a masked man assaulting him with sharp objects, and a precarious touch to his aching head proved that nothing was stabbing Gerard, he just had a  _killer_  headache.

That didn't make the pain go away though,  _actually_  - it was reaching the point where Gerard's stomach was rolling violently, and he had to choke back the bile that was currently rising in his throat, because Gerard didn't want to puke all over his carpet; that had happened before, and the clean-up was never pretty.

But when Gerard forced his eyelids to open a bit wider, he realized that it wasn't his familiar beige carpet staring back at him, this carpet was blue to be precise, and Gerard was pretty sure he would remember going out and changing his flooring sometime last night, even though he was having difficulty recalling quite a bit of the evening, which he could only assume was brought on by drinking too much, which also explained the horrendous headache he was currently fighting.

But Gerard had bigger problems than his missing memories right now, because he was in a strange house, a strange bed, and he needed to figure out where the fuck he was as soon as possible, and also where the bathroom was located, just in case he lost control of his stomach contents.

And when Gerard heaved himself out of  _whoever's_  bed he was in, probably looking like a newborn giraffe in the process, he began to recognize his surroundings, the poster covered walls and the black and white photographs could only belong to one person, and it didn't take more than a few seconds for the realization to sink in that Gerard had  _somehow_  ended up in Frank's apartment.

Gerard's first instinct was to glance down at himself, making sure that all of his clothing was intact, because waking up in a strange bed usually meant that something had happened in said bed besides sleeping, but Gerard wasn't naked, even though his jeans were missing, and he was wearing a different shirt than the one he had gone out in, and the fact that it was slightly too small led him to believe that it was Frank's, but he didn't feel freshly fucked -  _thank god_  for that, because as much as Gerard wanted Frank's dick in his ass, he would really rather be able to remember the event actually happening.

Just to be sure, Gerard glanced to the other side of the bed, and the unrumpled pillow and clean sheets led him to believe that he had slept alone last night, which then caused Gerard to question where Frank was right now, but more importantly, what the fuck had happened, and how Gerard had somehow ended up here.

The only concrete memory that Gerard could pull up was drinking at the bar after he left Frank to change into Frankie, and  _yes_  - he had consumed quite a bit of alcohol in a short period of time, but Gerard usually handled his liquor better than that, unless the bartender had been making his drinks especially strong, and Gerard didn't think that had been the case.

But  _oh_  - now Gerard remembered not leaving enough time to make himself something for dinner before he left to meet Frank at the club, which meant he had been drinking on an empty stomach, which was never a good idea, but Gerard had been so desperate to regain some sense of composure around Frank that he had gotten careless, and it was really no surprise that he had ended up absolutely  _trashed_.

And a wasted Gerard usually equaled a stupid Gerard, and even more terrifying - he had been around Frank, who was the  _last_  person Gerard wanted to witness him acting like an idiot, but it looked like it was too late to prevent that from occurring, whatever  _that_  was had yet to be determined though.

Something had obviously happened last night, the fact that Gerard wasn't in his own home attested to that, but now he just had to remember exactly what had transpired, even though that was proving a bit more difficult than Gerard would like, his pounding temples were drowning out almost everything at the moment, but Gerard didn't want to get up and search for some Advil in case he disturbed Frank.

Closing his eyes in an attempt to help along the process of recalling his memories from last night, as well as to minimize the amount of sunlight reaching them, Gerard began shifting through the murky images that began to form, trying to piece together a coherent picture of his evening with Frank.

_"Frankie!" Gerard squealed when he caught sight of his friend, all dolled up and gorgeous, completely ignoring the guy with the big forehead who had led him backstage, saying that Frank was decent once again._

_"Do you like it?" Frank asked, executing a slow turn for Gerard's approval, and Gerard had nodded his head so hard, his neck was in danger of snapping at any moment._

_"I love it - you looking so fucking amazing," Gerard gushed, his eyes raking over Frank's dress covered frame hungrily._

_"All because of you, this dress is perfect, so thanks for your help picking it out," Frank smiled widely, his eyes sparkling under Gerard's unwavering attention. "So I'm up next, and I would let you come listen backstage, but it actually sounds worse there than in the audience, so if you want, you can go pick a seat, and I'll come find you afterwards okay?"_

_"Sounds good," Gerard agreed reluctantly, forcibly peeling his eyes away from Frank so he could make sure he didn't bump into anyone on his way back into the main room._

The next hour or so was still basically a blur to Gerard, but he did remember ordering even more drinks, making conversation with big forehead guy who seemed to be following Gerard for some reason - maybe Frankie had asked him to, or something. Gerard was pretty sure he said that he was a drag queen as well, and he had just finished his performance for the night, but he wanted to stick around to watch Frankie's, but maybe Gerard had just imagined that. Either way, Gerard had shared a few shots with him before they headed over to a table directly in the front just in time for the lights to dim and Frankie to take the stage.

Frankie's performance had been flawless - as  _always_ , made even better by the fact that she had actually sang this time, instead of lip synced, and even though Gerard had no idea what song she had actually covered, it didn't really matter, because he had gotten to hear her voice again, and  _really_  - once a week wasn't enough, but Gerard would take whatever he could get of it.

The next concrete memory Gerard could vividly recall was after the show; he had somehow ended up backstage again, maybe big forehead guy had led him there, or maybe he had found his way back on his own, but however it had happened, Gerard was in Frank's dressing room, watching him avidly as he removed the copious amounts of makeup from his face, changing back from Frankie into Frank.

And Gerard was drunk by this point - actually, more like full on  _wasted_ , and for some reason, he kept thinking about Frank's tweet, and Lindsey's words, and how he wanted to make sure that Frank knew he liked him, even though doing that in his inebriated state was probably the worst idea in the world, but  _whatever_  - Gerard was past the point of rational thinking by now.

_"Hey Frankie..." Gerard slurred, his body leaning out of his seat at a precarious angle that was probably going to end up with him on the floor sooner or later._

_"Hmm," Frank hummed, his eyes flickering over to Gerard, a concerned expression filling his hazel gaze._

_"I saw your tweet...was it about me?" Gerard ended on a giggle, all the alcohol in his bloodstream making his body feel fuzzy and light._

_"Uh...what do you mean?" Frank stammered out, his cheeks flaming an adorable shade of red before he turned back to the mirror determinedly._

_"After our date - or dinner...was it a date Frank...I want it to be a date," Gerard babbled, his position shifting slightly, but he caught himself before he face planted unattractively._

_"Uh yeah - it was about you, but can we talk about this another time...you had a bit to drink tonight, and I would rather wait to have this conversation when you are sober," Frank chuckled weakly, swiping the makeup remover pad over his face one last time before throwing it into the trash can._

_"But I wanna talk about it now," Gerard pouted sullenly, crossing his arms together and sticking his bottom lip out in what he hoped was an irresistible puppy dog sort of way._

_"Come on honey, you need to get into bed okay, let me take you home," Frank had insisted, pulling on his coat before handing Gerard his own garment._

_"But I don't want to go home, I want to stay with you," Gerard whined, but he still let Frank tug his jacket over his shoulders, even though his arms didn't seem to want to fit in the sleeves correctly._

_"I know, but you need to rest, you still have work in the morning - remember?"_

_"You are no fun," Gerard huffed, dragging his feet as Frank led him out into the hallway, waving to a few people as he went._

_"You will thank me tomorrow," Frank promised, and Gerard nodded weakly, even though he didn't really agree with him at all, and he was nowhere near ready to let this night end just yet._

_"Frank - I really want to kiss you," Gerard mumbled once they exited the back door, the freezing air shocking Gerard's numbed senses, but not enough to diminish his drunken state, and right now, kissing Frank seemed like a wonderful way to end the evening, and maybe it might even convince Frank to stay with him for a little bit longer instead of dropping him off at home._

_"No you don't honey - you are just drunk," Frank sighed out, his hand coming up to steady Gerard when he stumbled heavily._

_"No - I do, like...really badly," Gerard had insisted, his fingers clutching on to Frank's jacket in an attempt to keep himself upright, which brought their faces inches apart, and Gerard's urge to kiss Frank intensified until it reached an unbearable level._

_"Gerard, stop -" Frank had tried to say, but Gerard didn't listen, and like the fucking idiot he was, he closed the small gap between them, pressing his lips to Frank's in a gentle kiss._

Gerard wished he could say their first kiss was magical, and that everything in the entire world had slowed down, and he felt fucking  _fireworks_  the second their lips connected, but Gerard didn't even remember what it felt like to have his mouth on Frank's, because only seconds later, he was pulling away rapidly, his stomach roiling wildly, and then he had thrown up, all over his and Frank's shoes like the pathetic drunk he was.

_"Oh god..." Gerard whimpered softly, his hand coming up to shakily wipe the back of his mouth once he was finally finished emptying his stomach onto the sidewalk, but the embarrassment at what had just happened was threatening to cause him to be sick again._

Gerard expected Frank to leave him there, because honestly, he  _deserved_  that, but Frank didn't,  _of course_  he didn't, he was too nice for that; he didn't even mention Gerard's kiss, he simply hauled Gerard to his feet, ushering him into his car while whispering soothing words to him, and apparently he had taken Gerard back to his place, because the rest of the night was a blank slate in Gerard's mind, and he could only hope that he hadn't done anything else to make his current situation even worse.

Not that he could really do much more than he already had, unless he had puked on Frank again, but it didn't really matter, because Gerard had already fucked up -  _god_  - he had fucked up so badly there was no way he could ever fix this, and he was too scared to even try.

Gerard's stomach dropped into his feet when the painful realization hit him that he had ruined any chance he ever had of getting with Frank, and for one moment, Gerard thought he was going to be sick again, but thankfully, his stomach wasn't as sensitive as it had been last night, and he managed to keep whatever was left of his stomach contents down this time.

Gerard could barely believe his actions, but he also couldn't deny them - he had  _kissed_  Frank, and not only that, Frank had told him to stop, and he hadn't listened, that was like... _kiss rape_ , or some shit, and Gerard felt like a disgusting excuse for a human being that couldn't take no for an answer.

Gerard should never have drunken so much, but he  _had_ , and it was too late to take it back now, so he had to live with the fact that he had pushed himself onto Frank, he had made a complete ass out of himself, and no amount of apologizing would ever make this any better.

So Gerard did what he always did when shit hit the fan - he  _ran_ , because that was the only thing he was good at, and there was nothing else to do at this point besides disappear from Frank's life forever, even though the thought of never seeing Frank again caused a physical pain to blossom in his chest, but Gerard needed to accept the consequences of what he had done, and there was no way Frank would want to continue being Gerard's friend after the debacle that was last night.

Tugging on his clothes and shoes quickly, which Gerard found folded neatly in a pile near the door, Gerard tiptoed into the living room, heading for the kitchen where he remembered Frank kept a small pad of paper and a pen. Frank was passed out on the couch, his small snores filling the otherwise silent room, and Gerard had to take a moment to gaze at him one final time, because after last night, Gerard would never be able to face Frank again.

Jotting down a short note, because Gerard was too much of a coward to wake Frank up and say this to him in person, Gerard sniffled softly to himself, the accumulation of his own stupidity and his hangover causing his eyes to water and the words he was scribbling onto the page to blur in front of his face.

_Frank,_

_I'm so sorry for everything._

_Don't worry, you will never have to see me again._

_xoxoG_

Exiting the apartment as quietly as he could, Gerard hurried down the street without a backward glance, tugging his coat closer around his body as soft flurries of snow began to fall, and Gerard pretended that the wetness that was streaking down his face was simply melted snowflakes, and not tears, even though that was the biggest lie in the entire world.


	12. Gerard Knows Way Too Many Synonyms For The Word Idiot

Gerard was an idiot -  _no_  - that word wasn't even good enough to describe him anymore; he was an imbecile, a moron, a halfwit, a dolt, an ignoramus, a foolish simpleton who had ruined the best thing in his life, all because he had gotten too drunk, made a stupid decision, and then run away like the coward he was.

Unfortunately, realizing this fact did nothing to help Gerard move on from the loss of Frank in his life, and even though it was all Gerard's fault, he still missed Frank like crazy, and he would do anything to get him back, except for man up and apologize like any sane person would do, because Gerard may have regretted his impromptu decision to flee from Frank's house, but he was much too terrified to face Frank again after everything that had happened.

The first day after the embarrassing incident that Gerard was doing his best to forget had ever happened, he stayed in bed all day, hiding under the covers after calling into work, because there was no way he could wade through the outside world after the debacle that had occurred. Gerard had made sure to shut off his cell phone as well, even though he doubted Frank would call him after what he had done, but still, he didn't want to talk to anyone, not even Lindsey.

Gerard wasted away the hours sniffling softly to himself, replaying the events that had ruined his friendship with Frank over and over in his mind, even though doing so hurt - it hurt so  _fucking_  much, and Gerard really didn't need the painful reminder right now, but he felt like he deserved it in a way, and he couldn't seem to focus on anything else at the moment.

 _God_  - Gerard would give anything to take his actions back, but he didn't possess a time machine, so there was really nothing he could do, bedsides for cry over it that is, and Gerard was definitely partaking in that particular activity right now; tears had been streaming down his face for the past few hours, and they showed no sign of stopping anytime soon.

And  _really_  - Gerard knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he was overreacting, and that he shouldn't be this torn up over someone he had only known for a week, even though he had known  _of_  Frank for a year, but Frank was just his friend, not even his boyfriend, so he shouldn't be so devastated over what had happened, but that didn't change the fact that he  _was_.

Gerard always got attached too quickly though, and his crush on Frank had grown to a monumental size over the past few days, so his emotional distress did make sense in a way, but now it didn't matter, because Frank would never want him after last night, if he was ever even interested at all.

After a day filled with moping, Gerard forced himself to return to the office the next morning, playing off his foul mood by claiming to still feel sick, and everyone bought it, much to his relief, not that very many people talked to him anyway, which was really working in his favor right now, and Gerard managed to make it through his shift successfully, only retreating to the bathroom once to cry in silence for a few minutes.

When he returned home, Gerard finally switched his phone back on, and he was surprised to see numerous missed calls and texts from Frank, along with a few from Lindsey as well, but Gerard ignored his friend for the moment in favor of checking to see what Frank had to say to him.

Gerard braced himself for the worst, because Frank would be completely entitled to chew out Gerard for making a move on him, his drunken state was no excuse, but he hadn't. In typical Frank fashion, he had only inquired after Gerard's health, asking if he was feeling okay, and requesting that Gerard call him when he was able.

And  _fuck_  - Gerard wanted to talk to Frank, he  _really_  did, but he couldn't, not anymore; he didn't deserve to speak with Frank after he had acted so despicably, so he simply deleted the messages, trying to pretend that they had never happened, even though that was easier said than done. Gerard did return Lindsey's call though, managing to avoid the topic of Frank, which was a miracle in itself, but Lindsey was too distracted explaining her most recent date to Gerard to notice his morose mood,  _thank fuck_  for that.

Before Gerard knew it, a week had flown by, and another Wednesday had arrived with no change, minus a few more calls from Frank, which Gerard continued to ignore, but as time passed, Frank seemed to give up on Gerard, which was probably for the best, even though a small part of Gerard was secretly hoping that Frank would still want him in his life, although that was ridiculous, and Frank would be better off forgetting about Gerard entirely.

Gerard kept himself busy so he wouldn't have extra time to himself to mourn his broken friendship with Frank, picking up extra hours at work, as well as going out with Lindsey almost every night. Gerard had even hooked up with a guy on Saturday, which had been a horrible fucking idea; Gerard thought if he slept with someone, it would help erase his longing for Frank, but the complete opposite had happened, and as soon as the man had left, Gerard found himself sobbing bitterly into his pillow, wishing it had been Frank in his bed and not some random stranger.

Lindsey had been confused by Gerard's random desire to hook up again, which of course had forced him to explain what had happened with Frank, but even with Lindsey screaming at Gerard, telling him to fucking  _call_  Frank before he made assumptions that might not even be true, Gerard refused, because no one - not even  _Lindsey_  was going to convince Gerard that he hadn't fucked everything up beyond any hope of repair.

Gerard missed Frank more with every day that ended without seeing him though, and Gerard had been trying to work up the courage to go apologize to him - he  _really_  was, but all he had managed to accomplish was to drive by Frank's apartment an unhealthy amount of times, coming off like a complete stalker in the process, but no matter how hard he tried to force himself, Gerard never once managed to get out of the car, much less actually make it up to Frank's door.

This afternoon was the worst by far, because on a typical Wednesday, Gerard would be at the club right now, waiting to see Frankie sing, but he hadn't gone - he  _couldn't_ , no matter how much he wished he was there, because even though Gerard wanted to see Frank so badly that it physically ached, he couldn't just show up and pretend that everything was fine, and he didn't want to make a scene in public, especially not at Frank's workplace.

So Gerard had stayed home, even though it felt  _wrong_ , because for over a year, he had been attending Frankie's performance, never missing one, no matter what, but he had fucked that up for himself, so he might as well get used to spending his Wednesday night's in his apartment instead of at the club.

Gerard actually found himself painting to pass the time, which was an activity he had been neglecting lately, but he had to do something to keep his mind off Frank, and this worked, even though it did remind him of his promise to make Frank some artwork for his apartment, but that wasn't what Gerard was doing -  _not at all_ , even though the colors he was using would match the theme in Frank's living room perfectly.

As he continued to work on the painting that was most definitely  _not_  for Frank, Gerard checked his phone constantly, because despite everything, he was curious to see if Frank had noticed the fact that he wasn't there tonight, but when the clock hit eleven in the evening, Gerard realized that he wasn't missed, because even if Frank had been the last performance of the night, he would be done by now, and his phone had remained silent the entire time.

And even though Gerard didn't want to sleep, because he knew he would just lie there and think of Frank instead of actually getting any rest, the hour was late, and Gerard had work in the morning, so with a disgruntled sigh, Gerard began cleaning his paintbrushes, examining what he had produced so far on the mostly covered canvas.

It was an abstract piece, which is what Gerard usually painted, he saved his more realistic works for his drawings, and this particular one had not been planned at all, it had just happened, and Gerard was actually pretty proud of it. Blue was the predominate color, many different shades cascading across the white background in a style reminiscent of rain, offset by grey and purple that Gerard had added haphazardly, but the overall effect was generally pleasing, even though it made Gerard's chest ache slightly for some reason.

And  _really_  - Gerard knew the reason, he just didn't want to admit it to himself yet, but he had been thinking of Frank as he worked; the blue representing his sorrow at what had happened, the grey was the mood he had been in over the past week, and the purple was the hope that maybe - just  _maybe_  he and Frank could somehow work this out in the near future.

But  _no_  - Gerard was never going to get Frank back, because he didn't have the guts to go see him, or even fucking  _call_  him, and it was Gerard who had fucked up, not Frank, so it was up to Gerard to fix this, and he had made it abundantly clear that he wasn't going to, no matter how badly he wanted to.

Gerard had just finished putting all of his art supplies away, and he had been about to go wash his hands when a knock interrupted his process, causing Gerard to jump in an embarrassing manner that he was glad no one had witnessed, but  _seriously_  - who the  _fuck_  was at his door right now? Lindsey was off with her newest girl tonight - someone named Jamia that Gerard had met briefly on Saturday, and she was the only visitor he ever had.

And even though Gerard was slightly nervous as he approached the door, because it could be a murderer on the other side, but they didn't usually knock, at least, Gerard didn't think they did, his curiosity overcame his fear, and before he could second guess himself, Gerard twisted the handle open, completely oblivious to the purple handprint he left behind on the brass knob, but he had other things to worry about right now, because Frank  _fucking_  Iero was on his doorstep, and  _honestly_  - the apocalypse could be happening right now and Gerard wouldn't give a shit, so a little bit of paint meant less than nothing to him.

"Frank," Gerard gasped loudly, the words being chased out by all of the oxygen in his lungs, leaving Gerard feeling weak and on the verge of passing out.

"Hey," Frank smiled weakly, lifting a hand in some sort of gesture that Gerard assumed was supposed to be a greeting, but he dropped his arm before he could complete it.

Frank had obviously just come from the club, Gerard could tell, even though he was no longer in costume. It was apparent in the way his eyes were slightly darker, a hint of makeup still surrounding them even though it had been mostly wiped off, in the smell of smoke and beer that hung around Frank faintly, in the tired look in his eyes, but Gerard didn't even need those clues to tell, because he knew Frank's schedule far too well for some who claimed to be a simple friend - well  _ex-friend_ now.

"Frank," Gerard repeated numbly, his brain still trying to process the fact that Frank was here, and that he didn't seem angry, or upset, just nervous actually, and also cold. "Come in - if you want, I mean, you don't have to, but it's fucking freezing out, and -" Frank cut Gerard off by stepping inside, his tattooed hands deftly unzipping his oversized parka as he entered the heated room.

"You weren't at my show," Frank stated simply once he had removed his coat, during which time Gerard had stared at him shyly, trying to determine the cause of his visit without actually asking, because words seemed to be failing him at the moment.

"I - I know, I  _wanted_  to, but I didn't think you -"

"And you haven't been returning my calls, or my texts," Frank continued, ignoring Gerard's pathetic attempt at an explanation completely. " _Why_...did I do something wrong Gerard?"

"W-What?" Gerard stuttered out, completely thrown off by Frank's question, because how in the hell could Frank possibly think he had done something wrong when it was obvious that Gerard was the problem, Gerard had been the one to fuck everything up.

"I just don't understand why you are ignoring me...and I  _hate_  it - okay? I miss you, and I just want to know what the hell I did to drive you away?" Frank sighed, his body visibly slumping as he peered up at Gerard warily.

"I - what...you..." Gerard paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before trying to speak a bit more coherently this time. "Frank...you didn't do anything wrong -  _I did_ , last week. I thought you hated me -  _fuck_ , I hate myself for ruining everything. I shouldn't have tried to kiss you, I shouldn't have gotten that drunk in the first place, and I'm so fucking sorry. I tried to come by you place to apologize, I must have driven over there at least forty times, but I'm a fucking coward, and I couldn't face you, and now I just sound creepy, but _I swear_ , I wanted to see you tonight, I was just so scared..." Gerard trailed off, his bottom lip quivering slightly as he finally got everything he had been holding inside off his chest, but now fear of Frank's reaction rose up to take its place.

"I don't get it, why did you think I was angry with you?" Frank asked, one eyebrow rising up slightly as he fixed Gerard with a quizzical look.

"Because - I  _forced_  myself on you, I threw up on your shoes, you had to babysit my drunk ass...how could you  _not_  be mad at me?"

"Because I care about you, and you are my friend, that's how, and I'm not bothered about the kiss - not at all, and if you had only picked up your fucking phone, you would know that -  _fuck_ , I was worried sick about you," Frank exclaimed, his hands gesturing wildly as he spoke.

"You were worried about me?" Gerard asked tentatively, a small smile breaking out on his face as Frank's words began to sink in.

"Hell yes I was - I mean, how would you feel if you woke up and I was gone, with only a crappy note that didn't explain shit? I stopped calling after a bit because I was trying to give you some space, but it's been a week..." Frank ended on a sad exhale, and Gerard had to physically restrain himself from wrapping his arms around Frank to try and erase the morose expression from his face.

"I'm sorry, I  _really_  am...I'm just not good at this - at being friends, or explaining myself, and I was convinced that you hated me..."

"I could never hate you, and even if I was mad at you, I would have tried to talk it out, but you didn't do anything wrong okay, you just got a bit too drunk, but it happens - it was a mistake, and I liked looking after you, but I'm kinda pissed at you for taking off like that," Frank huffed, crossing his arms in what was supposed to be an intimidating gesture, but he only succeed in making himself look even more adorable than he already was.

"I'm sorry,  _again_ , and I'll keep saying it, because I  _really_  am, but I missed you, and I'm so fucking glad you came over tonight."

"It's okay -  _really_ , it is, but no more running away from me, okay, because I will chase you down every time," Frank smirked slightly, his teasing expression causing a bubble of warmth to form in Gerard's stomach.

"Okay - I won't do it again, I promise, so can we just pretend like last week never happened and go back to being friends?" Gerard questioned nervously, his hands twisting behind his back as he awaited Frank's answer.

"Of course, friends... _yeah_ ," Frank smiled, and Gerard completely missed the hint of wistfulness in his tone, because he was an oblivious little shit that was too overjoyed at the fact that he had Frank back in his life to pick up on anything else.

"So now that we are talking again, I started on that painting you asked for, it's in my studio if you want to check it out." Gerard gestured toward where the canvas was, because  _of course_  that painting was for Frank, no matter what Gerard had said earlier, he just hadn't expected Frank to show up on his doorstep tonight - or  _ever_  actually, so he didn't think he would have the opportunity to give him the painting.

"Yeah, I'd like that," Frank grinned, following Gerard into the back room eagerly, his mouth dropping open in awe as his eyes raked over the half-finished canvas. "Holy shit Gerard, this is fucking amazing," Frank exclaimed, throwing himself at Gerard happily, his arms wrapping around him in a friendly hug.

"Thank you, I though the color scheme matched your living room," Gerard blushed heavily as Frank's small body pressed up against his, his heart beat speeding up as Frank held on for a little bit longer than was necessary, and  _fuck_  - Gerard had missed this, he had missed  _Frank_  in general, and he made a silent vow to never cut Frank out again, no matter what, it had been an idiotic thing to do in the first place. Gerard honestly didn't know how he had survived a week without Frank's presence in his daily routine, and he didn't want to have to go through that ever again.


	13. In Which Frank And Gerard Argue Over The Color Of Frank's Guts

With Frank back in his life once more, Gerard felt renewed, invigorated,  _inspired_  even, like a machine that had been missing a small part, not enough to stop it from working completely, but it's absence was noticed, and more than that - it was  _missed_ , but now all the cogs were aligned, everything was running at optimal speed, and Gerard knew for a fact that he would break if Frank was ever taken from him again, so he was determined to do everything in his power to prevent that from happening.

After Frank showed up at Gerard's apartment, and Gerard had  _finally_  fucking apologized for being the world's biggest idiot, everything went back to the way it was before. Frank took him out the very next night to a pizza place that had Gerard salivating as soon as the large pie was placed at their table, forcing Gerard to admit that Frank definitely had an exquisite taste in cuisine, and even if Gerard hadn't been head over heels in love with Frank, he probably would have continued to hang around him for that reason alone.

Over the next few weeks, Gerard spent an absurd amount of time with Frank, so much so that he was worried that Frank would quickly tire of his presence, but as the days passed, and Frank seemed just as excited to see Gerard as the very first night, Gerard's fears began to fade, and he found himself seeking Frank out instead of waiting for the older man to call on him.

They branched out from simple dinner dates quickly, even though they weren't  _dates_ , because Frank and Gerard were just friends -  _nothing more_ , but although Gerard still ached for Frank to be his one day, Frank's companionship meant the world to him, and it was  _enough_ , more than Gerard could ever hope for actually, and the closer they got, the harder Gerard tried to convince himself that he could keep his feelings for Frank buried for the rest of his life.

That was a lie though, but if there was anything Gerard was good at, it was making himself believe in falsities, so he kept at it, even when Frank made it so fucking  _difficult_  to keep his mouth shut, and  _god_  - Gerard really thought he deserved a medal for lasting so long without throwing himself at Frank and begging him to fuck him.

Frank was just so  _physical_ , and Gerard wasn't certain if that was how he was with everyone, or if it was caused by a special bond that the two of them shared, but either way, Frank was constantly touching Gerard - nothing sexual of course, just tiny brushes of the hand here and there, hugs that lasted a little longer than friends would embrace, calling him  _'honey'_  with increasing frequency; they had even cuddled on a few occasions, Frank seemed fond of leaning into Gerard's side when they were watching a movie at one or the other's apartment, and each time one of these things occurred, Gerard would blush crimson, his breath catching in his throat and his palms sweating nervously as he tried to pretend he wasn't on the verge of a heart attack whenever Frank initiated something.

Frank rarely noticed Gerard's reactions though, and if he did happen to spy Gerard's red cheeks, he would always laugh it off, remarking about how adorable Gerard was when he got flustered, which did absolutely nothing to help Gerard calm down at all, causing Frank to find even more humor in Gerard's discomfort.

It was all worth it though, and Gerard would gladly put up with the embarrassment if Frank's smile came with it, and eventually, Gerard got better at controlling his body's tendency to turn into a human volcano whenever Frank so much as winked at him, even though the small gestures never failed to awaken the family of butterflies Gerard was unwillingly renting his stomach out to.

Another Saturday had rolled around, and Gerard wasn't at all surprised when Frank showed up at his doorstep sometime around noon; Frank rarely called and asked if it was okay for him to come over anymore, because Gerard always said  _yes_ , and they usually discussed beforehand if Gerard had made plans with Lindsey. Gerard had noticed that Frank was hardly ever busy, except the nights of his show of course, and that led to Gerard to wonder if Frank didn't have many friends, or if he simply preferred his own company over others most of the time.

That theory didn't hold though, because if Frank was a solitary person, he wouldn't be seeking out Gerard as often as he did, and Frank didn't seem like the recluse type - unlike Gerard, but if Gerard was using that logic on Frank, he didn't mind coming out of his shell as long as Frank was involved, so maybe Frank and he shared more similarities than he had originally thought.

Or maybe it was something else, maybe Gerard was Frank's exception, maybe he was going out of his way to spend time with Gerard because Gerard was  _special_ , Gerard meant something to Frank, and maybe Frank was just as shy and nervous about admitting his feelings as Gerard was, but  _no_  - that was fucking ridiculous, and Gerard was just projecting his deepest fantasies onto this situation because that's what he wanted to happen, which didn't make it true at all.

And  _really_ , Gerard was in no position to make any assumptions about Frank, because no matter how close they had grown over the past few weeks, Gerard didn't know very many personal things about him, they hadn't really spoken about themselves since their first dinner outing at the Chinese place, and just because Gerard was lonely as fuck and desperate for Frank didn't mean that Frank felt the same way.

Gerard shook his head groggily to rid himself of his troubling thoughts, because now wasn't the time or the place to be trying to unearth hidden meanings that didn't even exist in his and Frank's friendship, especially when Frank was sitting next to him, shooting Gerard a quizzical look that -  _of course_ , caused Gerard to blush like a teenager caught staring at his crush under the older man's scrutiny.

Frank had been over for hours now, and they hadn't done much of anything; Gerard had been painting before Frank's arrival, which was an activity Gerard had picked up again after finishing the piece for Frank which Gerard had been convinced that Frank would never see, and Frank had insisted that he continue, saying that he was more than content to watch Gerard splatter paint across the white canvas in a haphazard way with no real picture in mind.

Frank seemed in awe of Gerard's every move, even though Gerard would have assumed that watching someone else paint would become mundane very quickly, and he had been expecting Frank to nod off ages ago, but the opposite had happened, and Frank seemed more invested in the final product than Gerard was, constantly chiming in with what he thought Gerard was trying to create, making up a story to go along with the meaningless mess of colors.

Gerard was bored now though, and his previous inspiration was buried under a newfound curiosity, because his musings about Frank and his personal life had Gerard wanting to discover more things about Frank; he had thousands of questions all revolving around the older man constantly on the tip of his tongue at most hours of the day, and a nice conversation sounded much more pleasant than what he was currently doing.

"You okay there?" Frank asked after a minute had passed, during which Gerard had simply stared at a spot on the wall somewhere behind Frank's left ear as all of these thoughts passed through his brain.

"Yeah - uh,  _sorry_ , I sort of zoned out, my inspiration disappeared," Gerard shrugged, dunking his paint brushes in the murky water filling a small dixie cup that he had placed by his side earlier on.

"I thought  _I_  was your inspiration?" Frank teased, laughter dancing behind his hazel irises in a way that made them literally sparkle.

"I'm not painting you dork," Gerard shot back, a smile pulling at his lips as he stepped back to survey what he had created so far. Gerard was much more comfortable around Frank now, and he had gotten in the habit of retaliating to Frank's playful jibes with witty retorts of his own, and even though his painful awkwardness was nowhere near gone, he had reached the point in their friendship where he wasn't a complete train wreck when he tried to attempt conversation anymore.

"It doesn't have to be of me to be inspired by me, I mean - you could be painting my insides, maybe I have really colorful guts?"

"Somehow I doubt that," Gerard sighed, trying his best to fake irritation with the older man, but a giggle escaped past his closed lips without his consent, ruining his facade instantly.

"Well you will be eating those words once my autopsy report comes back, just you fucking wait," Frank teased, causing Gerard to roll his eyes obnoxiously at Frank's antics.

"Shut up, you aren't dying anytime soon, and we will both have forgotten about this conversation by then," Gerard shot back with a smirk on his face.

"Oh fuck no - I will never forget this, even if I'm dead, I will come back from beyond the grave and rub it in your face that I was right."

"Stop talking about you dying, it's making me sad," Gerard whined, his statement only really half joking, because a world without Frank in it wasn't one Gerard wanted to live in, and it wasn't his favorite topic of conversation, not by a long shot.

"I just told you I am going to haunt you, so it's not like I'll be gone, I'll just be a bad ass ghost instead of a person."

"I don't even know how to respond to that," Gerard sighed, letting Frank win their pointless argument as he headed into the kitchen to wash his hands, Frank following behind him as if a magnet was forcing Frank to maintain a relatively close distance to the younger man.

"So," Frank spoke up, handing Gerard a towel once he had shut the water off, "Brendon and Rainne wanted to know if you would be up for hanging out tomorrow night," Frank asked casually, but Gerard didn't miss the way his voice shook slightly, or the hopeful look he was shooting in his direction.

"I -  _uh_..." Gerard stammered, trying to buy himself more time so he could decide if he actually wanted to go or not, because as much as he felt that he should say yes to please Frank, he was always uncomfortable around new people, and he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of Frank's friends.

Over the past few weeks, Gerard had spent quite a bit of time around the other drag queens, and they had all been very kind to him, especially Brendon, who Gerard had referred to as big forehead guy until he associated the name with a face. Brendon was interesting, to say the least; he always seemed boisterous and jovial, no matter the occasion, and he had the habit of turning everything into a sexual innuendo, which had Gerard's blush count rising to extreme numbers by the end of the night, but he was a genuinely nice person, not to mention an amazing singer.

But Gerard hardly knew Rainne at all; he was a drag queen as well, he always performed with Brendon in a series of duets, but he never involved himself in any of the conversations that happened in the dressing room Frank shared with them, choosing to hang in the background or hide behind Brendon's words, their hands discreetly linked at almost all times, and Gerard wasn't sure if Rainne cared for Gerard's presence in his personal space, making Gerard feel like even more of an awkward fuck than he already was when Rainne was around.

"I don't know Frank, are you sure they want me to come, I mean - I'm  _totally_  okay with staying home, they don't have to invite me just to be nice," Gerard finally answered, wringing the towel in his hands even though his palms were dry long ago.

"They want you to come Gerard,  _really_  - they do, but if you don't want to, you can say no," Frank exhaled heavily, his expression dropping as he pushed himself off the counter he had been leaning against slowly.

Gerard could physically see how badly Frank wanted him to spend time with them, and it made Gerard reconsider his previous reluctance, because no matter how nervous he was about going out with relative strangers, Frank was extending a hand to him, inviting him into his world, giving him an opportunity to learn more about him, and that was what Gerard wanted, so saying no would be pointless, but he still couldn't seem to get the words past the obstruction in his throat that had suddenly sprung into existence without Gerard's consent.

"It's not going to be anything extravagant, we were just going to hang out at my place, maybe dress up a bit and hit a bar or two," Frank shrugged, trying to play it off like this was no big deal, but for some reason, Gerard knew it  _was_ , at least to Frank.

Gerard opened his mouth, intending to say yes to Frank's obscure plea, but what came out instead was "I don't think Rainne likes me."

"What -  _no_  honey, Rainne is just  _shy_ , she takes a while to warm up to new people, but she really does want to get to know you better, she mentioned it to me the other night," Frank protested vehemently, and even though Gerard should have been concentrating on Frank's words, he was focused on the pronouns he was using instead.

"She?" Gerard had meant to say more, but that one word was all that escaped his mouth. Gerard understood that people didn't have to go by the pronouns they were born with, he just hadn't been expecting for Frank to refer to Rainne in that way.

"Yeah, I probably should have mentioned this to you before, but Rainne is transgender; she was born as a male, and her name used to be Ryan -  _well_ , actually it was George Ryan Ross, or something like that, but she changed it when she discovered her gender, and she is saving up all of her money she makes performing to have reassignment surgery," Frank explained, his eyes dancing over Gerard's face skittishly as he waited to see his reaction.

Gerard nodded along as Frank spoke, remembering how he had questioned Frank's gender before he had known him, pondering if Frank had truly wanted to be a female, and if that was why he dressed up the way he did, but that notion had quickly been dispelled once Gerard had begun to spend time with Frank, because even though Frank made a gorgeous woman, he was most definitely  _male_.

" _Oh god_  -" Gerard's hands flew up to cover his mouth as he realized that he had been hanging out with Rainne for weeks without knowing this, "have I ever misgendered her, I feel so bad, I had no idea, but I can't remember if I did or not, is that why she hates me?" Gerard babbled, his lips pulling down into a scowl when Frank broke out into a peal of laughter.

"No honey, I don't think you have, and even if you did, it's my fault for not telling you sooner, I just sort of forget to mention it since everyone in the club already knows - and she doesn't hate you, I have no idea how you got that notion in your head." Frank took Gerard's hand in what Gerard assumed was supposed to be a comforting gesture, but it only made Gerard more flustered than he already was.

"She - she just never talks to me, and sometimes, I see her glaring at me when I'm not looking, I feel like I'm intruding on your friendship with her and Brendon I guess," Gerard spit out, his eyes staying glued to the floor so he wouldn't be tempted to stare at Frank's hand intertwined with his.

"Gerard -  _hey_ , look at me," Frank demanded in a soft tone of voice, his words dragging Gerard's chin up until he was eye to eye with Frank. "Rainne does not hate you, she - she has just lived a hard life, and she doesn't trust very many people. Her parents threw her out when she was eighteen and she discovered her gender, she was literally living on the streets until Brendon and I found her begging outside the club one night, so she is generally wary of everyone, but she has told me herself that she thinks you are nice, and she wants to try to get to know you."

" _Oh_..." Gerard gasped, his heart twisting as he imagined a younger version of Rainne out in the dark alleys of New York, starving and alone with no one to turn to. "That's so horrible..."

"It is, but she's doing a lot better now, Brendon fell head over heels for her -  _obviously_ , and he would never let anything like that happen to her again," Frank smiled fondly when he spoke of his friends, and Gerard had to agree with his statement. He may not know either of them very well, but he hadn't missed the protective gleam in Brendon's eyes whenever he looked at Rainne, or the love the two shared, it was so apparent that even an outsider like Gerard could pick up on it instantly.

"Wait...but isn't Brendon gay?" Gerard asked shyly, because Brendon just seemed so... _flamboyant_ , and discovering that Rainne was a girl had thrown Gerard off, even though she still had a dick, but eventually she wouldn't, and Gerard was confusing himself trying to wrap his brain around something he had no experience with besides what he had read on tumblr.

"No," Frank laughed again, a deep happy sound that had Gerard grinning just for the sake of it, "Brendon does seem  _very_  gay, but he is pansexual actually, and even if he was gay, I think he would still love Rainne, they just have this connection -  _you know_?" Gerard nodded his head in agreement, because he did know, and  _fuck_  - he wished Frank felt that same connection with him, because Gerard sure as hell sensed it pulsating in-between them constantly.

"How did Rainne find out she was transgender?" was Gerard's next question, because this topic of conversation brought up the flurry of doubt Gerard had about himself, and even though he didn't think he was a girl, Gerard really didn't know, and maybe if he found out how Rainne had come to that conclusion, he would gain some much needed insight on himself.

"I think she just knew, like - she doesn't feel comfortable in her body, and she has always identified as a girl, even when she didn't understand exactly what she was experiencing, but that's something you should ask her about, she can explain it much better than I can," Frank paused for a moment, and Gerard could tell he wanted to ask Gerard something else, but he apparently decided to change his mind at the last second. "So...will you come hang out with us, you honestly don't have to, but it would mean a lot to me if you did."

"Yeah - okay, I'll go," Gerard agreed, his earlier nervous energy dissipating entirely as Frank engulfed him in an unexpected hug, his cheek pressing against Gerard's t-shirt as he clutched Gerard tightly.

And  _really_ , Gerard did want to go now, especially since he was assured that Rainne didn't hate him. He truly was looking forward to getting to know Frank's friends outside of the club, and he now had a slew of questions to ask Rainne, if he worked up the courage to speak to her about the mess in his head that is, but Gerard could worry about that tomorrow, because right now, Frank's warm body was distracting him from everything else, and that was perfectly fine with Gerard.


	14. Rainne Knows Things - Remember?

Gerard sat on the edge of Frank's couch, his eyes fixated on the painting he had made for Frank, which was proudly hung in the entryway, but it wasn't like the artwork was actually holding Gerard's attention, it wasn't even all that good, despite Frank's protests that it was the best thing he had ever seen, but looking at it was much better than the alternative, which would be to actually make eye contact with either Rainne or Brendon, who were currently sitting across from him at the moment.

Gerard had kept his promise to Frank and shown up today, even though his reluctance had returned full force once he had woken up this morning, but Gerard refused to back out on Frank, no matter how badly he wanted to. Gerard had considered asking Lindsey if she wanted to tag along, only if Frank was okay with it of course, but Gerard had quickly changed his mind on that matter; Lindsey was not happy with Gerard's decision to hide his feelings from Frank, and that was putting it  _lightly_ , so having the two of them in the same room could only end badly for Gerard, and he didn't want to take that risk, no matter how much he would have appreciated her company.

So Gerard had turned up alone, almost half an hour late, but he had done it, and the warm embrace Frank had greeted him with calmed Gerard immensely, but now that he was here, Gerard felt out of place, just like he knew he would, so he had spent the entire time sipping a beer slowly, making sure not to get too drunk of course, listening to Frank and Brendon converse as Robin Hood: Men In Tights played in the background.

Gerard had pressed Frank for more information on Brendon yesterday after their discussion about Rainne, because even though Gerard knew Brendon better than his girlfriend, he was still mostly clueless about him as well. He learned that Brendon had tread a path very similar to Frank, trying and failing with numerous bands, eventually ending up as a drag queen when he discovered that it was a great way to get his voice out there while actually making money, which was something none of his previous projects had been able to do.

Brendon wasn't as into the lifestyle as Frank, who was more than happy to be a drag queen for as long as possible; Brendon still yearned to start up something of his own, but when Rainne had come into his world, he had stayed for her, helping her break out of her shell until she eventually began performing with him, and Brendon had sworn to stay at the club until they had earned enough money for her surgery.

Speaking of Rainne, she was staring at Gerard again, he could feel her eyes on him, even though every time he looked in her direction, her gaze instantly darted away, but the entire situation was making Gerard extremely uncomfortable, and he really just wanted to leave, but he didn't know how to do that without being rude and hurting Frank in the process.

Frank and Brendon were talking animatedly, mostly about past events and inside jokes that Gerard didn't understand, and Gerard could sense that it had been some time since the two had seen each other outside of the club, causing a spike of guilt to shoot through Gerard's stomach when he realized that might be because of him.

Frank was with Gerard almost every day now, and even though he obviously had some free time when Gerard was at work, Gerard wasn't sure what he did with it, and Gerard felt that familiar nagging worry that Frank would get tired of him sooner or later, even though Frank had showed no signs of that happening anytime soon.

Gerard sighed heavily, trying to dispel the negative thoughts that were taking over his mind, but they were reluctant to leave his brain. As if sensing his internal distress, Frank's hand made its way to Gerard's discreetly - not exactly  _holding_  it, more like resting on top of it, but the simple touch erased the dark clouds hovering over Gerard, and he shot Frank a grateful smile in return.

"So -" Frank turned to Gerard as he spoke, shooting him a sly wink out of the corner of his eye, "I need Brendon to help me choose an outfit to wear tonight, so maybe you two can get to know each other a bit better while we are gone."

" _Wait_  - Frank," Gerard stammered out, but it was too late, Frank was already standing up, giving Gerard a reassuring smile before he disappeared into the bedroom with Brendon, leaving Gerard and Rainne alone in the living room which suddenly seemed much too large for the two of them.

Gerard felt a small flare of anger at Frank for placing him in such an awkward position, but Gerard knew Frank meant well; he wanted Gerard to bond with his friends, and he thought talking to Rainne would help Gerard become more at peace with himself, and even though Gerard wasn't sure if he was ready to open up to a relative stranger, he didn't really have a choice anymore.

Rainne looked as uncomfortable as Gerard felt, her hands twisting in the sweeping skirt which fell to her knees, her eyes glued to the door Brendon had disappeared behind, as if her stare alone would bring Brendon back to her, and for some reason, seeing Rainne looking more frightened than he was set Gerard at ease, and he found the courage to push himself to his feet and head over to the loveseat Rainne was curled up in.

"So - um...I just wanted to properly introduce myself, I'm Gerard - I mean, you know that, but I never actually told you my name, and I know yours, so uh...sorry for never talking to you before, I'm just - bad with people, you know?" Gerard rambled, his hands clutching the warm bottle of beer he had yet to relinquish.

Rainne shot Gerard a small smile before scooting over so Gerard had room to sit down, the expression making her face look much more welcoming, and Gerard felt some of the tightening in his chest that he always felt when initiating contact with people abating at her kind actions.

"Hi - I'm Rainne, but you know that, and you don't have to apologize, I'm not very good with people either, so I understand." Rainne spoke softly, causing Gerard to have to listen intently, but he liked the sound of her voice, and it was nice getting to actually hear her speak instead of catching snippets of whatever she whispered in Brendon's ear.

Conversation flowed easily now that introductions were out of the way, and even though Gerard stuck to small talk, skirting the issue he actually wanted to ask Rainne about, Gerard already felt accomplished for just speaking with Rainne, and he didn't want to ruin the moment by being too intrusive too soon.

"So, Frank said you had something you wanted to ask me?" Rainne finally touched on the topic that Gerard had been steadfastly avoiding, and even though part of him was shaking his head at Frank for meddling, he wasn't really surprised, and at least now he had a plausible reason for bringing up his questions about gender.

"Well... _yeah_  - actually, I - I was just curious how you discovered your gender, and I don't mean to be rude, or pry, or  _whatever_ , but I'm just having a lot of doubts about myself, and I grew up in a really conservative household, so I didn't even know any of this stuff existed until a few years ago, and -" Rainne cut off Gerard's rambling with a chiming laugh, her eyes lighting up with joy as Gerard's jaw snapped shut in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, please don't be mad," Gerard stuttered out, his heart pounding in his chest as he waited for Rainne to speak, because even though she looked happy, he couldn't help but feel that she was laughing at him and his ignorance.

God - Gerard felt so fucking  _stupid_ , he didn't even know why he told Rainne about his upbringing, or how confused he was, he should have just asked the question and left it at that, but  _no_  - he had to go and embarrass himself again, he just had to fuck up and look like an idiot in front of Rainne, who would probably tell Frank about it later, and  _really_  - Gerard wished the ground would open him up and swallow him whole right now so he could escape from all of this.

"Oh," Rainne's laughter broke off when she took in Gerard's crestfallen expression. "Gerard, I'm happy you asked -  _really_ , I am. For so long, I had to hide my gender from everyone in fear of being judged...or  _worse_ , so to have someone be genuinely curious about this is a breath of fresh air," Rainne assured him, causing Gerard's eyes to shoot up from their previous position fixated on his lap, trying to detect any hint of falsity on Rainne's face.

" _Really_...you don't think it's weird that I am so confused at my age?" Gerard asked, his bottom lip quivering as he waited for Rainne's answer.

"Of course not, especially if you weren't exposed to any of this when you were younger. A lot of people don't even know what transgender means, and the fact that you are asking me questions instead of making assumptions behind my back shows that you are a really caring person."

"Wow, thanks, and uh...just so I get this off my chest, I'm sorry if I ever misgendered you. I didn't know at first, Frank only told me yesterday, and I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that I would  _never_  do that on purpose," Gerard promised, and really, he didn't think he would have any problems making sure he used Rainne's correct pronouns now that he was aware of them. Even in his head, it was always  _she_  when he was referring to Rainne, and he hadn't slipped up once when speaking with Frank about her so far.

"I don't think you have, but  _seriously_  - thank you for saying that, I just - nobody ever cares besides the people at the club, so this is really new to me," Rainne smiled broadly.

"Well that's stupid, people should care, and I'm sorry they don't." And  _really_  - Gerard didn't see how anyone could mistake Rainne for a male, Gerard had only assumed that she was because most of the drag queens at the club seemed to identify that way, and  _yes_  - he hadn't seen her dressed in something plain, like jeans or a t-shirt, but she had very feminine features, her soft face and curly brown hair that brushed her shoulders screamed her gender loud and clear, and if he had passed her on the streets, he would have no idea that she actually had a penis.

"You are so sweet, I can see why Frank likes you," Rainne chuckled wryly, leaving Gerard blushing again at the mention of Frank, especially Frank  _liking_  him, even though she only meant as a friend -  _obviously_. "Anyway, enough apologizing okay, what exactly did you want to know about me?"

"I - I guess I want to know when you figured yourself out...because I'm having a really hard time with that, and I like dressing up like a girl," Gerard cringed internally as he revealed another nugget of personal information about himself, but Rainne seemed like an understanding person, and Frank trusted her, which meant a lot in Gerard's book, "but I don't know why I like it. I'm pretty sure that I'm not transgender, but I don't know another term that describes what I'm feeling, and I was hoping that talking to you would help me figure out if I am or not."

"Well...being transgender isn't a cookie cutter experience, it's different for everyone. Some people know when they are kids, and others take ages to truly come to terms with it, but it's something you always feel inside, you just might not understand it at first. For me at least, I was always uncomfortable in my own skin, but it took me until high school to figure out why. My parents were no help, telling me I was going through a phase, and it took talking to my guidance counselor to help me truly understand what I was feeling."

"Can you explain more what you mean?" Gerard interrupted, but he was slightly confused by Rainne's explanation, and he wanted details so he could compare them to his own situation.

"Of course - it started in middle school, at least, that is when I first remember wanting to be a girl instead of a boy. Some of my classmates were staring to get boobs and curves, and I couldn't stop staring at them - not in a  _sexual_  way, but in a  _'why don't I look like that way'_. I asked my parents why I didn't have those things, and they shut me down instantly, telling me that I was a boy, and I should know better than to ask stupid questions. That was the first night I went in my bathroom and cried at my reflection, and it sort of escalated from there. I hated looking at my dick, sometimes I even wanted to chop it off, and I would always try and mold my chest to look like breasts, but it was never enough. I would sneak into my mom's room when she was out and put on her clothes, and  _fuck_  - it just felt right, I can't really use any other words to describe it. I began experimenting with makeup too, making myself look more feminine in any way I could."

" _Oh_..." Gerard gasped, not even aware that the sound had left his mouth because he had been so enraptured in Rainne's story.

"Yeah - it was a really weird time for me, I would take girl clothes in my backup and change at school so I would feel better about myself, nothing too extreme, because I didn't want to get beat up, but stuff like tank tops and tight jeans, and I would spend ages in the bathroom, putting on makeup before class. I had to take it all off before I went home of course, but it was worth it, especially when I would go get lunch off campus and I would actually pass with some of the cashiers at the nearby McDonald's." Rainne smiled fondly at the happy memory, and Gerard found himself grinning along with her.

"You are really brave," Gerard murmured, because he couldn't imagine showing up to high school in makeup, much less feminine clothes, he would have been torn to shreds before he even made it inside the front doors.

"Nah - I was terrified back then, I just did my best to hide it. It took me ages to stop shaking when I would walk into class dressed like a girl,  _fuck_  - half of the time I would end up crying in the bathroom before the day was over, but in the end, that actually worked out in my favor. A teacher found me in there one day, so he sent me to the guidance counselor since he had no idea what to do with a sobbing teenage boy dressed up like a girl, and that's when everything finally came together."

"But I thought you had already figured out that you were a girl?" Gerard interjected, the question bubbling past his lips without any conscious thought.

"I did, but I didn't understand  _why_  I felt that way. I still thought I was a freak, I didn't know other people shared my struggle, my parents never let me use any social media, and I didn't have many friends at school, so I hadn't really explained my feelings to anyone, they all just thought I was a weirdo who liked crossdressing. Talking to the guidance counselor helped me put a name to what I was, she explained to me that I was transgender, and that it was totally normal. She showed me a bunch of websites and blogs, and for once, I felt  _accepted_ , I felt okay with myself. She convinced me to come out to my parents...even though that blew up in my face, but  _still_ , she was the first person to treat me like I actually mattered, instead of just pushing my gender under the rug. She was the one who told me I could choose to use female pronouns if I wanted to, and  _fuck_  - when she called me  _she_ , it was the best feeling in the world."

"She sounds like a fucking amazing guidance counselor, mine was a piece of shit," Gerard chuckled, remembering the aging lady with the leopard print glasses that he had to visit once a week for a month when one of his poems he turned in to his English teacher was deemed dark and troubled.

"She really was, I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for her," Rainne agreed, her curls bouncing as she nodded her head. "So, did that help you at all?" Rainne asked when Gerard stayed silent, his brain processing over everything he had learned.

"Yeah - I think it did, and I'm pretty sure I'm not transgender. I don't hate my body, not in that way, I just wish I was better looking, but I'm pretty sure everyone does, and I  _really_  like my dick, but I just don't understand why I love wearing woman's clothing so much. I know it isn't a big deal, I mean - Frank does it, and he has no deeper meaning behind it, but I just can't help but overthink everything, and it just doesn't make sense to me."

"Well, if you want my opinion, it doesn't sound like you are transgender either, but I don't know you very well, even though I have heard a lot about you from Frank, but that isn't the only option for what you are feeling. It's possible that you could be bigender, which basically means you fluctuate between the two, or you might be non-binary - not truly masculine or feminine, or you could just  _really_  like woman's clothing, which is totally  _fucking_  okay, and I think it's stupid that an article of fabric needs to be labeled with a gender."

"Wow...I haven't heard of those terms, and I'm not sure if any of those are what I am or not," Gerard sighed, the new information overwhelming his brain and making him feel dizzy, but also validated, because whatever he was, he had people like Rainne and Frank willing to help him discover it, and that support meant  _everything_  to Gerard.

"There are a lot of labels, and they get really confusing at times, but in the end, you are the one who needs to decide what you are, and as long as you are happy, you don't need a word to describe yourself. So you like skirts -  _who cares_  - you don't need to explain yourself to anyone, but if you ever want to talk to someone, I'll be more than happy to go over everything in more detail with you," Rainne smiled genuinely, and Gerard couldn't believe he had been so reluctant to speak with her about this, because even though he was still confused, he felt better about himself than he had in months.

"Thank you so much for telling me about yourself, and for helping me, it means a hell of a lot, and I'm sure I will be coming to you again sometime soon once I have some time to think about all this."

"You don't have to thank me, I really like talking to you, and don't be afraid to reach out to me whenever you need it." Rainne paused for a moment before turning back to Gerard with a sly grin on her face. "So...since you asked me a question, can I ask you one?"

"Uh... _sure_?" Gerard squirmed slightly, the mischievous twinkle in Rainne's honey colored eyes making him nervous all over again.

"Do you like Frank as more than a friend?"

"W-What -  _no_ , why would you think that?" Gerard protested instantly, but his crimson cheeks betrayed him, and he could only hope that Rainne didn't notice the blazing heat emitting from his face.

"You can tell me Gerard, I promise I won't go blabbing to Frank," Rainne pried, but Gerard was already shaking his head vehemently, trying to hide behind his over-exaggerated actions.

"Nope - not at  _all_ , we are friends -  _just_  friends," Gerard squeaked, his voice cracking embarrassingly as he forced out the lie, but there was no way he could tell Rainne about his feelings for Frank; he may trust her, but that didn't extend so far as to believe that she wouldn't find a way around her promise, like telling Brendon and then having Brendon tell Frank.

Gerard had no idea how Rainne had picked up on his crush, he hadn't even spent that much time around her, and  _yes_  - he sometimes held hands with Frank when she was in the room, but friends did that -  _right_? Gerard didn't think he was  _that_  obvious in his internal fawning over Frank, but if Rainne had seen straight through him, then what if Frank had too, but  _no_  - he would have said something, or maybe he was just ignoring the issue to spare Gerard's feelings.

Lindsey was still convinced that Frank liked Gerard back, constantly bringing up his tweet, which Frank had said had been about Gerard, and Gerard finally admitted that maybe Frank had been harboring some feelings for him at one point, but that was before Gerard had gotten drunk and forced himself on Frank, before Gerard had almost ruined everything; Gerard was lucky that Frank still wanted to be friends with him, but he couldn't fathom the idea that Frank could still like him after that display, if he ever had at  _all_  that is. Frank could have easily been lying about the tweet to placate Gerard in his wasted state, and  _really_ , that made so much more sense than believing that Frank could actually be attracted to someone like Gerard, but Lindsey didn't seem to see it that way.

"Gerard...hey - you in there?" Rainne snapped her fingers, bringing Gerard out of his panicked thoughts and back into reality once more.

"Yeah - sorry, I'm here," Gerard blushed again.

"Do you want to go check up on the boys now?" Rainne asked, and Gerard heaved a sigh of relief when he realized that the subject of Frank had been dropped.

"Yes," Gerard nodded eagerly, desperate to escape this situation before Rainne dug any deeper into his feelings for Frank, because she already knew too much about him, and he didn't like the way her eyes were gleaming discretely, as if she was peeling back Gerard's skin and revealing the buried affections which lay underneath.

Rainne stood up gracefully, shaking out her skirt before heading into Frank's room, beckoning for Gerard to follow her. Gerard stumbled to his feet slowly, still slightly shell shocked by what had just happened, but he was  _okay_ , his secret was safe, Rainne had believed his lie; it didn't matter that she shot him a knowing look before disappearing behind the open door, or that she was way too observant for her own good, because she had no proof, and Frank would just laugh it off, even if she did tell him something, or at least, that is what Gerard told himself.


	15. I'm Squealing At The Thought Of Gerard In A Skirt Someone Squeal With Me

The rest of the time at Frank's house went smoothly, much to Gerard's relief, and even though he hadn't been harboring high hopes for the evening, Gerard was truly happy that he had decided to spend time with Frank's friends, his previous reluctance erased entirely by Rainne's kind words and Brendon's instant acceptance of him into their little group.

After Gerard's talk with Rainne, they had decided to hit up a few bars before calling it a night, and even though Gerard was nervous about being around alcohol with Frank in the nearby vicinity, he knew he could control himself, and he wasn't nearly as high-strung as he had been when he decided to drink himself into a stupor back at Frankie's show all those weeks ago, so everything was going to be fine -  _right_?

But Gerard began to doubt himself when he entered Frank's room to find him pulling on a skirt, because  _holy_   _fuck_  - he had not been expecting that, and his deeply buried -  _well_ , more like halfheartedly covered attraction for Frank reared its head at the sight, freezing Gerard in place as he did his best to stop himself from drooling all over his friend, even though that was a battle Gerard was doomed to lose from the start.

Gerard had seen Frank dressed in woman's clothing before -  _obviously_ , but this was different somehow, because Frank wasn't completely dolled up, he was just wearing an oversized Rolling Stones t-shirt with the neck cut low, coupled with a tight black mini skirt and dark grey leggings. His hair had been straightened a bit, the long locks brushing his shoulders every time he moved, and he had kept his makeup minimal, so his true gender was obvious underneath the feminine clothing, unlike when he was Frankie.

And  _fuck_  - Gerard found Frank's outfit so fucking hot for some reason, he forgot how to breathe for a few moments as he stared at Frank, his eyes roving over every inch of him hungrily, and it was only when Brendon snapped his fingers in front of Gerard's face that he managed to shake himself out of the trance Frank had put him in.

"Do you like it?" Frank asked, spinning around so Gerard could see the outfit from all angles.

"Yeah -  _fuck_  yeah," Gerard stuttered out, his reoccurring blush making another appearance when Brendon started laughing softly. "But...why, I mean,  _uh_..." Gerard was trying to ask Frank why he had decided to dress this way tonight, because before today, he had only seen Frank in woman's clothing when he was on stage. It wasn't like Gerard was complaining, he was just curious as to Frank's reasoning, and luckily for him, Frank was able to decipher his poorly formed sentence into the question Gerard had meant to form.

"I just felt like it, I don't do this all the time, but when I go out, I usually like to dress more feminine, it makes me feel more attractive," Frank shrugged, pulling a fitted coat over the outfit, obscuring his inked arms from Gerard's stare.

"Oh," Gerard hummed, his eyes drifting to Brendon, who had remained in the clothes he had arrived in, and then back to Frank, but he had to look away just as quickly when he felt his pants tightening slightly and his mouth beginning to water.

"Do you want to wear something else, I don't know if my clothes will fit you, but you can try some stuff on if you want?" Frank gestured to the pile of skirts and tops that were flung carelessly over his bed, and even though the idea of going out dressed like Frank tempted Gerard immensely, he couldn't do it now - not  _yet_ , he had already opened himself up too much tonight.

"Uh - no...I'm good."

"Okay." Frank's face fell a tiny bit, but Gerard knew that Frank wasn't actually upset with him, he just wanted to continue helping Gerard to feel more comfortable in his own skin, but he also knew when to drop the subject, much to Gerard's relief.

~~~

Gerard couldn't keep his eyes off Frank the entire night, even though he did his best to constrain himself, especially since he knew that Rainne was starting to catch on to his secret, but  _fuck_  - Frank just looked so  _gorgeous_ , so carefree, and the fact that he didn't give a fuck about going out in public this way had Gerard even more in awe of him than he already was.

And  _yes_  - Frank obviously had a lot of experience with dressing this way, but this was different to his drag queen persona, because on stage, he was almost a separate person, his body molded and shaped to look like a woman's, his face painted and contoured to the point of being unrecognizable, and even though Gerard found Frankie beautiful, there was something amazing about seeing Frank walk around looking like his usual self in a skirt, his smile unobscured by lipstick as he grinned up at Gerard every now and then.

Once Gerard had gotten home, he instantly called Lindsey - after jacking off furiously of course, because  _fuck_  - he had been hard all night, and he was lucky he hadn't come in his pants with the amount of times Frank had innocently brushed against him - begging her to bring him any old clothes that she didn't want anymore. Luckily for Gerard, he and Lindsey were almost the same size, which saved him from the horrors of having to actually go out and attempt to shop for skirts and such, even though Gerard knew he would never be able to work up the balls to walk into the woman's department on his own, so having Lindsey in his life was his saving grace.

After his night with Frank, Gerard felt the urge to wear feminine clothing burning away at him stronger than ever; Frank's confidence in himself had given Gerard a shot of his own, and even though he was nowhere near as brave as Frank, he wanted to try and work his way there slowly. Lindsey didn't disappoint him, bringing him a full bag stuffed with oversized sweaters, pleated skirts, and everything in-between the very next day.

"Lindsey, are you sure you don't want any of this...it's so  _much_ ," Gerard gasped, ogling the various articles of clothing as he laid them out on his bed one by one.

"Of course, I was actually going to take this stuff down to goodwill sooner or later, but you are sort of a charity case, so I still get points for being a nice person," Lindsey had chuckled fondly, placing a hand over her heart when Gerard shot her a faked look of hurt.

"All insults aside - thank you,  _seriously_ , I can't wait to try some of these on."

"Of course Gee, I am more than happy to be your dealer in woman's clothing," Lindsey giggled again, obviously finding herself hilarious, and Gerard couldn't stop himself from laughing along with her.

~~~

Every day after he got home from work, Gerard changed into an outfit that Lindsey had provided for him. He didn't stay in them for long, just in case Frank came over and caught him dressed like this, not that Gerard would particularly mind letting Frank see him this way, but he wanted to pick the time and the place, and he wasn't ready for that to happen just yet.

After another two weeks had passed, Gerard finally worked up the guts to show Frank his favorite outfit; it was similar to the one Frank had worn out that had captivated Gerard so strongly, with some slight alterations. It wasn't anything special or over the top, just a grey and white striped off the shoulder sweater, which Gerard had coupled with a very short mini skirt and black leggings, as well as a pair of ankle high combat boots, but Gerard loved the way he looked in it. The entire ensemble made Gerard feel beautiful -  _sexy_  even, which was not a sensation that Gerard experienced very often. 

So Gerard had called up Frank, asking him if he wanted to come over, not letting on to what he was going to reveal to him, and Frank had agreed readily, leaving Gerard with nothing to do but wait, during which time he did his best to fix his hair and apply a thin coat of eyeliner.

Gerard wasn't sure where this boost of courage had come from, but Gerard wanted Frank to see him this way, he wanted to find out if Frank would like it as much as Gerard did. Gerard was  _changing_ , slowly but surely; he might not know exactly what his gender was yet, and he might not be one hundred percent comfortable with himself, but thanks to Rainne, and  _especially_  Frank, Gerard was feeling more self-confident than he had in years.

And that feeling only increased once Frank arrived, Gerard steeling himself as the familiar chime of the doorbell rang out, but he wasn't as nervous as he thought he would be, his hand barely shook as he grasped the brass knob, yanking it open quickly, and  _fuck_  - Gerard really wished he had a camera with him when Frank caught sight of his outfit, because this was a moment he wanted to capture forever; Frank's jaw literally dropped as Gerard giggled shyly under Frank's scrutiny, and Frank honestly looked as if he had won the lottery or some shit, which was a much better reaction than Gerard had hoped for.

"Holy fuck Gerard -  _shit_ , you look amazing, no -  _stunning_ , that's not even a good enough word for you, but  _wow_  - just wow," Frank gasped, and there Gerard went blushing again, but this time it was from  _pride_  instead of embarrassment.

"I know you have been wanting to see me like this for a while, and you have been so patient and understanding, so yeah..." Gerard trailed off, trying to withstand the urge to squirm under Frank's penetrating gaze.

"Thank you -  _fuck_ , I knew you would look good, but this... _holy shit_ , you put me to shame," Frank gushed.

"Shut up, no I don't," Gerard laughed lightly, but even though the compliment was obviously an over-exaggeration, it still warmed Gerard's insides and caused small bubbles of joy to dance around in his stomach. "Oh shit, you probably want to come in." Gerard stepped aside suddenly when he became aware that Frank was still out in the chilly weather.

"No -  _seriously_ , I cannot believe how beautiful you look." Frank's hands twitched as he stepped over the landing into Gerard's apartment, as if they wanted to reach out and touch Gerard, but he clamped them into fists at the last minute, keeping them firmly glued to his side.

"Thank you Frank," Gerard smiled genuinely, Frank's reaction boosting his self-esteem another few notches. "So...what did you want to do, I didn't really plan anything, I was too nervous about showing you this." Gerard motioned to his outfit as he spoke.

"I have an idea," Frank grinned, and  _oh_   _fuck_  - he had that twinkle in his eye that Gerard had come to learn usually meant bad news. "Why don't we go out, grab a bite to eat at this new cafe that just opened up, I hear they have amazing coffee."

"That sounds great, just let me go change -"

" _Don't_ ," Frank cut Gerard off, his hands coming up to encircle Gerard's wrists when he attempted to dart off into the bedroom. " _Please_ , stay like this."

"Frank...I - I  _can't_ , I trust you to see me this way, but if I go out there, people will laugh at me," Gerard whispered, his limbs shaking slightly as he considered stepping outside looking like this, but despite the fear he was feeling, there was also a tendril of excitement coiled among the other negative emotions.

"They won't honey, trust me. No one will even notice, you look so feminine right now, you even have curves," Frank pleaded, his eyes widening slightly in that puppy dog way that Gerard both loved and hated.

"I - I don't know Frank, I'm not as brave as you," Gerard hung his head, fighting an internal battle with himself as Frank continued to gaze at him intently.

A part of him did want to go out and show off his ensemble to the world, but it was a very small part, and only Frank's presence even allowed it to have a voice. The rest of Gerard was a mess of nerves and worries, because he knew someone would notice he wasn't a girl, then he would be ridiculed, and it would be  _terrible_. Gerard wouldn't be able to stand the snickers and stares he was sure to receive, it would set all of his progress back to where he had begun, and he didn't want to risk losing the new sense of confidence that he had only just gained.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to Gerard, but I  _promise_  you, no one will make fun of you, and even if they do, I'll punch them in the face for you. We can pretend you are my girlfriend, and I'm your overprotective boyfriend, and if anyone so much as even looks at you funny, I'll make sure they don't do it again," Frank smiled, shaking his fists in a joking manner, the teasing lilt to his voice releasing some of the tension in Gerard's stiff muscles.

"No one will buy that Frank," Gerard argued back, trying to ignore the way his heart rate sped up at the simple mention of Frank being his boyfriend, even if it was just an act.

"Of course they will, I will hold your hand, and put my arm around you, I'll pick up the check for dinner, it's foolproof," Frank exclaimed, his eyes dancing happily as he tried his best to convince Gerard that everything would be just fine.

And even though Gerard had a sinking feeling in the pit of his gut about this, and he just knew something was going to go wrong, Frank looked so excited, and Gerard always had a problem saying no to Frank, so before he could second-guess himself, Gerard found his lips forming the words that Frank so desperately wanted to hear.

"Okay - I'll do it," Gerard nodded, neglecting to tell Frank that the main deciding factor in this had been that Frank would be pretending to be his boyfriend, but  _really_  - that was the only reason that Gerard had agreed to partake in this crazy plan so readily.

" _Really_? That's amazing, and I promise Gerard, I won't let anything bad happen."

And for some reason, Gerard trusted Frank, even though he was well aware that Frank had no control over how other people reacted to his crossdressing, but maybe Frank was  _right_ , maybe no one would notice, and even if they did, it might just be worth it to see Frank's eyes light up the way they had when Gerard said yes.

And even if everything went to shit, and Gerard was called out and degraded, he knew Frank would protect him, he knew Frank would take him home and do everything he could to cheer him up afterward, so maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all, no matter how things ended up turning out.


	16. The Chapter That Most Of You Have Been Waiting For

"Frank...I - I'm  _scared_ ," Gerard admitted softly, pulling back against Frank's hand which was trying to tug him out the door, his eyes squinting due to the late afternoon sunlight that was spilling across the sky.

Gerard had actually been excited at the idea of going out dressed this way when Frank had suggested it, despite his misgivings, but now that it was happening, his terror was overwhelming him, and even though it sounded ridiculous, Gerard was convinced that all of his neighbors would start laughing at him the second he left the safety of his apartment, maybe they would even form a mob, with pitchforks, and torches, and everything, even though he highly doubted that most people had either of those items readily on hand, but  _whatever_  - Gerard was having a mini mental breakdown okay?

"Don't be afraid Gerard - here," Frank turned Gerard's chin so he was forced to look into Frank's eyes instead of at the horizon, "just look at me okay, don't pay attention to anything else," Frank pleaded, his expression silently begging Gerard to give this a chance.

"I -  _fuck_ , this is harder than I thought it would be," Gerard chuckled dryly, his eyes fluttering shut as he pulled his coat tighter around him, a dark green knee length one that he had acquired from Lindsey of course.

"You can do it honey, I know you can, just stay focused on me. You look fucking  _beautiful_  - okay?" Frank reassured Gerard, and this time, Gerard allowed Frank to gently tug him over the threshold and into the outside world, even though he still wasn't convinced that this was a good idea.

"Okay, I can do this," Gerard repeated Frank's words back to himself, tightening his hold on Frank's hand as they exited the apartment complex, Gerard's knees shaking underneath him the entire time.

As they headed down the street toward the cafe, which according to Frank was only a few blocks away, Gerard was just waiting for someone to say something, to scoff in disgust, to throw some sort of slur his way. His eyes were constantly roving over the crowd, searching for any signs of shock or distaste, but Frank instantly picked up on his panicked behavior, stopping their forward motion in an attempt to gain Gerard's full attention, but he was still very aware of the plethora of people surrounding him.

" _Hey_ , did you already forget what I told you?" Frank asked, one of his eyebrows rising up slightly in a manner that Gerard always found adorable.

"Uh - what?" Gerard stammered out, because he honestly hadn't been listening to what Frank had said, he had been distracted by the man who seemed to be sending Gerard dirty glares from across the street.

"I want you to look at me okay,  _just_  at me. Don't look ahead, don't look around, I'll make sure you don't run into anything, but you have to stop searching for a negative reaction.  _Yes_  - some people might judge you, but they are assholes, and they don't matter." Frank's voice was filled with passion, and Gerard suddenly realized that Frank had probably been teased and ridiculed for wearing women's clothing numerous times, but he didn't let that bother him, so Gerard shouldn't either - if only that was as easy to do as it sounded.

"I'm trying Frank, I'm  _sorry_ ," Gerard apologized, his eyes dropping to stare down at his shoes, tears forming behind his closed lids, a few being stolen away by gravity to land with a silent plop onto the grey sidewalk.

Gerard wasn't entirely sure why he was about to cry, because nothing had even happened yet, so he should be ecstatic that he had managed to leave the house in clothing he felt comfortable in, but this was such a big step for him all at once, and the overwhelming emotions were taking their toll on Gerard already.

"Hey - oh god Gerard, don't cry,  _please_?" Frank gasped, his arms instantly coming around Gerard to encircle him in a soft embrace. "I'm the one who's sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you to come out before you were ready. If you want, we can go back to your place okay?"

Gerard considered Frank's offer as a shudder wracked his body, because a large portion of Gerard wanted nothing more than to be back in his apartment, curled up on the couch with a crappy film playing in the background, but there was a small flame in Gerard's chest that had sparked to life when he had walked out his front door, and Gerard knew it would die if he gave up now. It would become smothered underneath his insecurities, and rekindling it would be a nearly impossible task if Gerard backed out of something every time he was afraid.

"No - it's okay, I'm okay, I want to keep going," Gerard decided, and even though his voice quivered as he spoke, the urge to break down in sobs was receding, and Gerard wasn't going to back out now, not when nothing negative had occurred.

"Are you sure, I don't want to force you into this," Frank asked warily, his thumb moving up to wipe away the last remnant of tears from Gerard's face gently.

"Yeah, just - just keep holding my hand?" Gerard questioned, because Frank's touch always seemed to calm him, and if he focused on that, maybe he could stop panicking every time someone walked by them.

"I'll do better than that," Frank grinned, wrapping one arm around Gerard's waist before continuing in the direction of the cafe.

Gerard leaned into Frank's side as they walked, never letting his eyes wander away from Frank, even though this caused him to stumble on a few occasions, but it was worth it to avoid seeing whatever was going on around him. Frank talked animatedly the entire way, keeping Gerard distracted with a series of random topics which quickly had Gerard giggling into his sleeve, all of his earlier nerves swept away for the time being.

The further they went, the more the outside world seemed to fade away; all of the people sharing the sidewalk with them no longer registered in Gerard's mind, it was just him and Frank. Gerard found that Frank's advice had been right once again, and this whole ordeal had gotten much easier as soon as he stopped searching for the hate that he was expecting other people to send his way.

They made it to the cafe without incident, and even though Gerard couldn't resist looking around when he arrived, he wasn't met with hostile stares or muttered remarks about his appearance, even the hostess didn't bat an eye when she led them to their table, causing Gerard to emit a heavy sigh of relief once she had walked away.

"I'm so proud of you Gerard, you are doing so well," Frank gushed, his eyes sparkling as they peered at Gerard over his menu.

"Thanks, I'm really surprised that no one has said anything yet."

"I told you they wouldn't, and  _seriously_ , even if they do, it will probably be a compliment, I still can't get over how fucking good you look," Frank smiled, and  _fuck_  - Gerard felt his skin sizzle with the intensity of his blush, because the look Frank was giving him was unlike anything he had ever experienced before; it had Gerard feeling precious,  _adored_  even, and the fact that it was Frank staring at him that way made everything one hundred times better.

Gerard opened his mouth, trying to come up with a response that wouldn't embarrass him, because for some reason, Gerard had the irrational urge to confess his affections for Frank right then and there. Friends didn't look at friends like that -  _right_ , and if Frank truly thought all of those things about him, then maybe he  _did_  return Gerard's feelings, but just then, their waitress walked up, breaking the spell that Gerard and Frank had been caught in, snapping the two back into reality with a suddenness that had Gerard reeling inside.

"Hi you guys, my name is Hayley, and I'm going to be your server today, can I get you anything to drink?"

"We will both take a coffee," Frank answered, and Gerard shot him a grateful smile for saving him from having to speak just yet, because Gerard may look like a girl right now, but his voice didn't sound like one, even though it was higher pitched than most men's.

"Great, I will be right back with those." Hayley was about to leave their table when she suddenly spun back around, facing Gerard instead of Frank this time. Gerard instantly began shaking, because he could only assume that she had noticed that he was a man, doing his best to brace himself for whatever hurtful words were about to fly out of her mouth, but what she said next completely caught him off guard.

"Can I ask you where you got your top? It's so freaking  _cute_."

"Oh - uh, my friend gave it to me...I don't know where she got it from," Gerard answered softly.

"Aw that's too bad, I would kill to have one -  _actually_ , your whole outfit is adorable, and you pull it off so well. If you ever find out where you friend shops, you should totally come back here and let me know," Hayley smiled genuinely.

"Yeah, sure, and um - thank you for the compliment." Gerard managed to speak at a relatively normal volume this time, his cheeks dusted a slight rose color because of Hayley's kind words.

"Okay, I'll go get those coffees now," Hayley giggled, heading back into the kitchen with a spring in her step.

"Frank - she didn't care, she was so nice, I can't believe it," Gerard began babbling as soon as Hayley was out of earshot, his shock over escaping judgment bringing a rush of excitement flowing throughout his veins, leaving a heady feeling of relief in its wake.

" _See_  - what did I say, you are gorgeous honey," Frank grinned widely, his hand crossing the table to link with Gerard's as he spoke.

And even though Gerard thought that gorgeous might be a bit of an over-exaggeration, he didn't argue with Frank's words, because Gerard did feel pretty damn good right now, and maybe over time, Gerard would be able to see what Frank did.

~~~

Dinner passed in a haze of amazing food, even better coffee, and not one negative incident, much to Gerard's surprise. Gerard even received a few more complements, and by the end of the evening, Gerard was able to walk home with his head held high and his spine straight as an arrow.

"I think I'm okay now Frank if you want to let go of me." Gerard motioned to Frank's arm that he had instantly wrapped around Gerard as soon as they had exited the restaurant, because even though Gerard never wanted Frank to stop touching him, he was feeling confident enough not to need the physical contact now, and he didn't want to force Frank to keep this facade up if he didn't want to.

"Nope, you are my girlfriend remember, and I am your gallant boyfriend who is escorting you home," Frank giggled happily, his hold around Gerard tightening a small fraction instead of falling away.

"Okay  _boyfriend_ ," Gerard answered in a hushed voice, his body tingling slightly when he called Frank that, even though this was all pretend, and Gerard needed to remember that before he lost himself in a fantasy world.

All too soon, they reached Gerard's front door, even though Gerard had been walking as slowly as he possibly could to try and prolong this evening, but that stupid saying proved true, and apparently time really did fly when you were having fun, which just seemed entirely unfair to Gerard, and if he had a say in things, it would work the opposite way.

"Well...I should probably head home so you can get some sleep," Frank sighed out, but he didn't remove his arm from Gerard's waist, and Gerard was perfectly okay with that.

And even though Gerard knew Frank was right, and it was already late, and he had fucking work in the morning, he didn't want Frank to leave just yet, and he had to bite back a plea for Frank to stay with him for a little bit longer, because Gerard didn't want to come off as clingy - at least, not any more than he already did, and he had already taken up a huge chunk of Frank's evening.

"Yeah...I guess so, and Frank - thank you for tonight. I never thought I would be brave enough to go out in public like this, but because of you, I did, and  _fuck_  - it means so much to me that you helped me through this," Gerard murmured, turning slightly so he could look into Frank's eyes as he spoke.

"Of course Gerard, I love being there for you, and I'm so glad that you trusted me enough to take the plunge. I know how hard that is, but it gets easier every time, and I will be there with you every step of the way if you want." Frank's face was so close to Gerard that he could feel his hot breath warming his neck, the scent of coffee filling Gerard's nose as he inhaled deeply.

"Frank..." Gerard sighed, whatever he was about to say getting lost in the rush of happiness that was overwhelming him, almost bringing him to his knees with the intensity of it.

"Gerard," Frank spoke up after a moment of silence, his voice coming out strained and slightly lower than usual. "Can I - I just,  _fuck_..." Frank shook his head suddenly, causing Gerard to shoot him a quizzical look, but before Gerard could ask what was wrong, Frank wrapped his other arm around him, pulling Gerard even closer to him in the process.

Frank didn't give Gerard a chance to react to his sudden display of affection, because he didn't stop there, and in the time it took Gerard to blink, Frank's lips found their way to his, his mouth pressing against Gerard's firmly in what was hands down the best kiss of Gerard's entire life.


	17. Gerard Is The Most Oblivious Person That Frank Has Ever Met

Gerard kissed Frank back instantly, grabbing onto his t-shirt to drag him even closer to his chest, inhaling through his nose as Frank backed him against the door without once disconnecting their lips, causing Gerard to let out a small  _'oomph'_  into Frank's mouth when his back hit the wooden paneling, giving Frank the opportunity to slip his tongue past his recently parted lips.

Gerard's usual hesitant nature was completely eradicated by the pressure of Frank's lips against his own, all of his doubts removed now that Frank had taken the first step and initiated the one thing that Gerard had secretly been dreaming about for weeks, and  _honestly_  - this was even better than any mental image his Frank obsessed brain had managed to cook up. 

And  _really_ , Gerard wasn't entirely convinced that this wasn't a dream, because Frank was kissing him -  _willingly_  kissing him; Gerard wasn't drunk and making a sloppy move on him,  _hell_  - Gerard hadn't even done anything to incite this, it had all been Frank, which meant that Frank wanted him, that Frank  _liked_  him.

The kiss was unlike any Gerard had ever experienced before, and even though he hadn't been in a real relationship yet, he had kissed quite a few people at least, but none of them compared to Frank, not by a long shot, not that Gerard ever thought they would, but  _still_ , kissing Frank was perfect -  _life changing_  even, and Gerard was overwhelmed by how wonderful it felt to have Frank's lips pressed against his, his warm tongue stroking the inside of his mouth like it was made to be there.

Frank was kissing him hungrily,  _desperately_  even, as if he couldn't get enough of Gerard, no matter how many times their tongues connected and twined together, no matter how often his hands ran through Gerard's hair, landing at his neck before moving up to the dyed red locks again, and Gerard wasn't complaining, because if he didn't need to breathe at some point in time, he would not object at all to spending the rest of his life with their mouths connected.

But underneath the harsh intensity of the kiss was a tenderness, a sweet tone lacing the needy movements that meant more to Gerard than he could ever explain, because Frank was trying to be gentle, he was trying to show Gerard how much he cared, but at the same time, he also managed to convey how much he desired him, and he said all of that with his lips, no words were needed.

And even though Gerard wasn't one hundred percent certain that he was deciphering Frank's actions correctly, the motions still caused Gerard to feel weak at the knees, and he might have fallen if Frank wasn't bracketing his body with his own, but Frank seemed to notice Gerard's slight stumble, and he finally disconnected their lips, shooting Gerard a worried glance as he ran his hands up and down his arms gently.

"Hey...you okay?" Frank asked nervously, his eyes never leaving Gerard's face as he waited for an answer.

And  _really_  - Gerard wanted to respond to Frank, he truly did, but he could barely remember how to breathe right now, his brain had melted into a puddle because of Frank's unexpected actions, and even though Gerard had wanted to kiss Frank just as badly - if not  _more_  than Frank had, he couldn't seem to force the words past his swollen tongue which was currently clogging up his throat.

Gerard shook his head groggily, trying to snap himself out the haze he was currently trapped in, but it was as if Gerard's body was permanently stuck five seconds in the past; he was still trying to process the fact that Frank had kissed him, and now that Frank's lips were no longer on his, Gerard couldn't seem to remember how to function without them, even though that was ridiculous, but  _whatever_  - Gerard had just been kissed by  _Frank_ , so his mental capacities weren't exactly running at full speed right now.

"Gerard?" Frank tried to gain Gerard's attention again, and the undercurrent of fear in his tone had Gerard's head snapping up, his mouth still hanging open slightly as he remembered that he still hadn't responded to Frank's earlier question.

"Hi," Gerard giggled shyly, not quite sure why he had said that, but at least something had left his lips, which proved that Frank's kiss hadn't caused any permanent brain damage, but even if it had, it would have been totally worth it.

"Hi yourself," Frank chuckled back, his hand tentatively touching Gerard's cheek before falling back to his shoulder. "Was that okay?" Frank pressed when Gerard didn't say anything else, he was too busy leaning into Frank's touch, letting his eyes flutter closed as he absorbed the feeling of Frank's cold hand against his flushed skin.

"Yeah," Gerard nodded eagerly, finally finding his voice again, " _really_  okay...can we do that again - like  _soon_?"

"Maybe we should get inside first?" Frank gestured to the still locked door behind them, and  _honestly_  - Gerard had completely forgotten that they were out in the open where anyone could see them, a delayed blush of embarrassment staining his cheeks as he fumbled with his key ring, finally getting the correct one into the lock after what felt like hours, during which Gerard was convinced that all of his neighbors were peeking out their windows at him, making snide comments behind his back about the heated make out session they had just witnessed a few moments ago.

But all his worries about prying eyes disappeared as soon as they were both safety ensconced behind the solid wood, and Gerard found the strength to take the initiative this time, gently maneuvering Frank up against the wall before leaning down until their lips were level, pausing for a moment before pressing them together once again, a soft sigh leaving his mouth as the taste, and feel, and scent of Frank inundated his senses for the second time that night.

And even though it had only been five minutes at most since they were last in this intimate situation, it had been much too long for Gerard, and he tried his best to convey that with his movements since he couldn't form words at the moment, his tongue running across Frank's bottom lip restlessly until Frank opened up for him, allowing Gerard access into the warm heat of his mouth.

They seemed to kiss for ages, even though Gerard had lost all concept of time, so he really had no idea how long he and Frank had been in that same position, exploring each other's mouths, and lips, and tongues thoroughly, the butterflies in Gerard's stomach which had apparently moved into every one of his nerve ending as well fluttering furiously, their wing beats speeding up with every second that passed instead of lessening like Gerard had expected them too.

Every small sensation seemed to be amplified to Gerard, whenever Frank gasped softy, it sent a shock wave of pleasure throughout Gerard's entire body, his own soft moan filling up the space between them as Frank swallowed the sound, the vibrations tingling his lips until Gerard was hard and achy, desperate for something more, but unsure of how to ask.

Gerard tried to project his distress to Frank, titling their hips together whenever possible, not to mention becoming more vocal as the minutes ticked away, but it wasn't until Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank's waist, pushing his smaller body into his that Frank pulled away slowly, his eyes glassy and his lips swollen.

For one second, Gerard was certain that Frank had caught on to his not so subtle hints, but instead of doing something, like taking off his shirt, or asking if they could go to Gerard's bedroom, Frank stayed silent, his wide eyes tracing Gerard's figure with his gaze as they both heaved loudly in the otherwise silent room.

"Frank..." Gerard whimpered, his arms tightening around Frank's frame, his lips attempting to seek out Frank's once again as he gently pushed his lower half against Frank's torso, trying to show him how much their kisses had affected him, and how he wanted more -  _needed_  more, but Frank stopped him with a small shake of his head, and all of Gerard's previous confidence flew out the window at the unexpected motion.

Gerard found himself on the verge of tears as Frank gently extricated himself from Gerard's arms, and it didn't matter that Frank didn't look upset, or disgusted with Gerard, because he had  _rejected_  him, which was the last thing Gerard had been expecting, even though he should have been used to it by now, but it didn't make sense. Frank had kissed him first - not the other way around, which meant Frank wanted him -  _right_ , but apparently not, and Gerard was left standing there confused and hurt as Frank put even more distance between them.

"I - I'm so sorry Frank, I assumed...I mean, you kissed me  _right_? I thought you liked me...I -" Gerard was cut off by a strangled sob, his eyes missing the alarmed look that Frank shot his way since his gaze was currently glued to the floor.

"Honey,  _oh no_ , don't be sorry - I  _do_  like you, I promise, I have liked you for a long time actually, I just think we should talk about this before I lose control of myself," Frank chuckled weakly, one tattooed hand running through his hair in a slightly aggravated manner, and that was when Gerard noticed how quickly Frank's chest was rising and falling, and how much tighter his jeans had grown in the past few minutes.

"Oh...okay - yeah,  _talking_ , talking's good," Gerard stuttered out, stumbling over to the couch in the living room so he could sit down before the conflicting emotions rushing through him brought him to his knees, because Gerard really didn't want to embarrass himself any further by randomly collapsing in the hallway.

"Gerard -  _hey_ , look at me...I'm not lying okay, I wouldn't have kissed you if I didn't like you," Frank assured Gerard, obviously noticing the distressed expression on his face as he settled himself down on the cushion next to Gerard, his hand automatically lacing with Gerard's in a comforting gesture that managed to calm Gerard down immensely.

"I - I know, I'm just...I don't know -  _confused_  I guess?" Gerard shrugged uncomfortably, trying to figure out how he gotten from making out with Frank to trying not to cry in front of him in no time at all.

"What are you confused about...do you not like me back?" Frank pressed, a sudden cloud of pain twisting his features momentarily before he forced it away.

"How can you say that?" Gerard exclaimed, raising one eyebrow at Frank, who was now trying to stifle his laughter behind his sleeve. " _Of course_  I like you, I just thought that you didn't...or that you just wanted to be friends, that's what I'm not getting - I mean, why did you kiss me now, did you just start liking me or...is it the clothes?" Gerard gestured down to his outfit, trying to figure out what had made Frank finally take notice of him, and even though Gerard loved the way he looked right now, he hoped that wasn't the only reason Frank was attracted to him - he wanted Frank to like him no matter what he was wearing.

"Gerard... _fucking hell_  - you are the most oblivious person I have ever met," Frank sighed dramatically, scooting closer to Gerard as he spoke until their knees were touching.

"I -  _what_?"

"I have liked you since day one you dork - I was the one who asked you on a date, but when we got back to your house after that first night, you didn't seem to want to kiss me - or  _anything_  really, so I backed off. I was pretty sure you liked me, but I didn't want to push you, so I was trying to wait for you to make the first move, but I got a bit impatient tonight," Frank giggled sheepishly, his cheeks carrying a slight tint of red as he explained himself to Gerard.

" _Oh_..." was all Gerard could manage to utter, and  _really_  - Gerard felt like an idiot right now for not noticing Frank's interest sooner, but there was still one thing he didn't understand, "but why do you like me?" Gerard asked, because that was the final piece of the puzzle that didn't seem to fit with the rest of the picture. Frank was so wonderful, he shouldn't give Gerard the time of day, even his friendship was more than Gerard deserved, so he needed an explanation before he truly believed that Frank had feelings for him.

"Why do I like you -  _fuck_ , we are going to be here all night," Frank teased. "I mean, how can I not like you Gerard? You are the sweetest person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, you fucking took care of me the first night we met, you have been supporting me at my shows before I even knew who you were, you are artistic, and interesting, and understanding - not to mention hot as hell, so yeah - I  _really_  fucking like you honey."

"I really like you too," Gerard admitted quietly, leaning into Frank's side lightly as he spoke.

"So...can I kiss you again?" Frank asked after a few minutes of blissful silence had passed, during which Gerard tried his best to organize his thoughts, because he still had so much more he wanted to ask Frank, like if he wanted a real relationship with Gerard, or if this was going to turn into a friends with benefits sort of thing, but it was hard to sort through his numerous questions when he had the distraction of Frank's warm body right next to him.

"Please?" Gerard borderline begged, turning his hips slightly so Frank could reattach their lips, gasping slightly into his mouth as his tumbled thoughts faded away like smoke being met with a harsh wind, all his worries and queries drowned out by the sensation of Frank's lips moving against his own.

Talking could wait until later, they had already done enough of that tonight, and even though Gerard still yearned to know if Frank wanted something serious from this, or if he was just having fun, the thirst for knowledge was taking a back seat to the simmering pool of lust slowly igniting in his belly, and so with a soft sigh of contentment, Gerard shut his mind off completely for the time being, dragging Frank even closer to him as their kiss intensified to a dangerous level that had Gerard terrified and exhilarated all at the same time.


	18. Drunk Starr Writes Smut Once Again Lol

" _Frank_..." Gerard whined softly, pulling away from Frank's mouth with a soft pop, moving down to his neck so he could begin suckling the black scorpion inked into his skin, causing Frank to release a low moan of appreciation in response.

"Y-yeah?" Frank gasped, his hips snapping upward as Gerard bit down slightly. Frank quickly forced himself to lie back in his previous position, but not before Gerard had felt Frank's hard cock straining against the constricting denim of his jeans in the short amount of time it had been pressed against him.

"I - I need, can I..." Gerard trailed off, tugging at the hem of Frank's shirt in the hopes that he would understand what Gerard was getting at, because Gerard seemed to have lost his voice, his entire vocabulary had been erased by the cloud of lust that was currently overtaking his mind now that he could finally touch Frank in the way he had been wanting to since before they had spoken one word to each other.

"You -  _oh fuck_ ," Frank cried out when Gerard's hand slipped under the waistband of his jeans, "you don't have to do anything if you don't want to," Frank forced the words past his gritted teeth, his body trembling slightly as Gerard traced the outline of his dick with one finger.

"I want to... _so badly_ \- please Frank."

"Okay," Frank nodded eagerly, his blown out pupils meeting Gerard's for a long moment before he reached down, pulling his shirt over his head in one swift movement, exposing his tattooed chest to Gerard's roving gaze.

"Holy fuck Frank," Gerard moaned, because he had known that Frank had tattoos, but not this many; Frank was literally _covered_ , his skin transformed into a piece of art that Gerard could stare at for ages and never get enough of, but this was a painting he could touch, and lick, and kiss, and he was definitely going to take advantage of that fact.

And not only was the ink on Frank's skin drawing Gerard's attention, but every inch of Frank seemed to scream for his touch, from his collarbones to his slight belly that Gerard found himself nuzzling as he traced the cursive words lining Frank's hips with his tongue, his nose pressed deep into Frank's flesh, the scent of sweat, and Frank's detergent, and just Frank in general filling him up as he took his time exploring every nuance of Frank's body that he could reach.

"Gerard," Frank gasped weakly, his hands pulling Gerard up so he could connect their lips once again, his tongue immediately invading Gerard's mouth with a feverish intensity behind his motions, and  _oh_  - Frank was grinding against him shamelessly now, his denim clad legs wrapping around Gerard as he pushed their lower halves together, and  _fuck_  - feeling the pressure of Frank's erection against his own was too much, especially in a skirt, causing Gerard to whine loudly as a rush of heat blossomed in his lower belly.

Gerard bit Frank's bottom lip as he rutted against him, crying out softy into Frank's mouth as the minutes ticked onward, and _fuck_  - Gerard could get off like this, he was close already, just having Frank half naked and pressing his hard cock against his clothed skin would be more than enough to tip Gerard over the edge if he let himself, but he wasn't anywhere near ready for this to end just yet, not before he had even been properly touched yet, or gotten to touch Frank below the belt.

"Can I - can I suck you off?" Gerard gasped out once he managed to get his thoughts aligned, because as much as he wanted Frank to fuck him so hard he wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow, he didn't want to come off as too forward, and getting his mouth on Frank's cock was a very close second to having Frank's dick in his ass.

" _Holy shit_  - yes please," Frank groaned, his hands instantly flying to his belt as he tried to undo the stubborn buckle before Gerard took over for him, lifting himself off of Frank's legs so he could remove his jeans entirely, leaving Frank clad in nothing but boxer shorts, spread out and panting on the couch, waiting for Gerard to make the next move.

Gerard held his breath as he inched Frank's underwear down slowly, and Frank seemed to do the same thing, every muscle in his body tensing up as his final article of clothing fell away, and  _fuck_  - Frank had a nice dick, decently long and very thick, and Gerard was so tempted to rip off his leggings and sink down onto it, no prep -  _nothing_ , before riding Frank so hard he wouldn't be able to see straight, but he managed to contain himself for the time being, instead, placing himself back onto the couch before nuzzling his head in-between Frank's legs.

Frank whimpered under his breath as Gerard began moving higher, licking and kissing the sensitive skin on his inner thighs before finally reaching the base of his cock, wrapping one hand around it gently while running his tongue teasingly over the raised vein on the backside of his dick, slowly making his way up to the head of Frank's cock.

The hottest sound Gerard had ever heard left Frank's throat when Gerard had his fill of tonguing at Frank's leaking slit, the bitter taste of precome inundating his mouth as he stretched his lips over Frank's pulsating length, until finally, he reached the hand that he still had wrapped around the bottom of Frank's cock, Frank's tortured groan seeming to echo around the room until Gerard was convinced he was experiencing it in surround sound.

"Oh god Gerard -  _oh god_ , fucking hell, your fucking mouth," Frank moaned as Gerard placed one arm around his hips, forcing Frank to stay still and let Gerard set the pace for now. "Oh fuck," Frank whimpered softly when Gerard went even further down, removing his hand so he could take all of Frank into his mouth, forcing his throat to open up around Frank's cock as he swallowed once, earning a strangled cry from Frank in the process.

Gerard repeated his actions a few times, coughing once when he accidentally took Frank too deep, but after a bit, he felt that he was sufficiently warmed up, and judging by the gasps and moans Frank was letting out, he was enjoying himself just as much as Gerard was, because for some reason, Gerard liked sucking cock almost as much as getting fucked.

Gerard wasn't really sure why he loved giving blowjobs so much, but it was probably because he was good at it, and there was something about providing someone else with so much pleasure while receiving none of your own - if you didn't count the few times Gerard humped the couch in an attempt to alleviate some of the throbbing ache in his cock, but in a way, turning Frank into a writhing, moaning mess was the best feeling Gerard had ever experienced, and he wanted to do more for Frank, he wanted Frank to fall apart all because of his mouth, his tongue, his throat.

"I want you to fuck my mouth," Gerard rasped out, his voice already coming out deep and wrecked because of the abuse by Frank's dick, making sure to keep stroking Frank steadily with one hand as he waited for Frank to react to his plea.

" _Jesus fucking christ_ ," Frank groaned loudly, pulling himself into a sitting position shakily as Gerard all but threw himself off the couch, positioning himself on his knees in-between Frank's spread legs before dragging Frank closer to him with a heavy hold on his hips. "Are...are you sure?" Frank asked in a breathless tone of voice, his fingers tangling in Gerard's hair gently, pushing it back from his face so he could see his expression.

And _yes_  - Gerard was so fucking sure this was what he wanted - _hell_ , he had been dreaming about this for much longer than he would ever admit to Frank, so Gerard simply rolled his eyes before sinking his mouth back down around Frank's cock, humming deep in his throat in an attempt to encourage Frank to use him however he saw fit.

And Frank didn't disappoint Gerard; after a few shallow thrusts with his hips, he finally went for it, pushing his cock into Gerard's mouth hard and fast, crying out loudly whenever it would slip down Gerard's throat for a few short moments, causing tears to form in Gerard's eyes and a strangled moan to escape from his lips, only for the sound to be muffled around Frank's dick.

"Gerard -  _ahh_ , feels so fucking good," Frank choked out, his hands tugging on Gerard's hair lightly in a way that had Gerard gasping in pleasure, his own hand slipping down to touch himself through the thin material of his skirt, because Frank might not know this, but Gerard had a huge hair pulling kink, and if Frank did that a few more times, he was going to come all over his pretty new outfit without much stimulation at all.

Gerard's eyes fluttered closed as he palmed himself slowly, and even though he wanted to keep Frank's face in his line of sight, the visual was just too much coupled with all of the intense sensations he was feeling; the slide of Frank's cock down his throat added with the pressure of his hand was transporting Gerard to a hazy world of ecstasy, his chest heaving as he continued to suck Frank off like his life depended on it.

"Gerard -  _oh fuck_ , gonna come," Frank warned Gerard, his hands tightening in his hair in what Gerard assumed was an attempt to pull him off, but Gerard simply ignored Frank, moving slightly higher up Frank's dick so he could put more pressure on Frank's sensitive tip with his tongue, and as soon as he pressed the muscle into Frank's slit, Frank was coming, an almost silent gasp leaving his mouth as his back arched forward and his body trembled wildly, his come flooding Gerard's mouth before he swallowed it down eagerly.

Gerard continued to keep suction around Frank's pulsating cock, making sure to catch every last drop of his seemingly endless orgasm, and it was only when Frank gently pushed him away that Gerard realized that Frank was spent, his naked body coated in a light sheen of sweat as his chest rose and fell rapidly, his eyes shining with lust and adoration as they stared down at Gerard.

"Fucking hell Gerard...that - that was..." Frank stuttered out, shutting himself up by pulling Gerard in for a slow kiss, causing Gerard to whine softy into his mouth when his achingly hard cock pressed up against Frank's bare thigh. "Stay there," Frank commanded when they finally broke apart, the intensity of the kiss leaving Gerard lightheaded and in borderline pain from how aroused he was.

Gerard nodded weakly to show Frank that he understood, letting Frank slip out from underneath him gracefully, leaving Gerard's upper half on the couch while he legs were still on the floor, his thighs trembling when he felt Frank's warm body press up behind him.

Frank instantly removed Gerard's sweater, pressing soft kisses down his spine once his pale skin was exposed to the slightly chilly air, not that Gerard perceived the nip of cold at all, he literally felt like he was on fire at the moment, his body burning with the intense desire to rut against the couch until he came, but he didn't, not when he had Frank's still naked body behind him, his careful fingers slowly undressing him.

Gerard's leggings and underwear went next, as well as his shoes, leaving Gerard in nothing but a very short skirt which probably didn't even cover his ass cheeks, but by the sharp intake of breath behind him, Gerard assumed that Frank liked what he saw, and Gerard had to admit that he did feel pretty fucking sexy right now.

There was just something oddly exhilarating about being so exposed, the sensation intensified by the slight slip of fabric covering only his most private parts, his hard cock pushing up against the front of the soft material in a desperate bid for attention, ruining the innocent facade the skirt was attempting to provide him with.

For one moment, Gerard thought Frank was going to fuck him; his position was perfect for it, even though he doubted that Frank could get hard again that fast, but  _hey_  - crazier things had happened before, but Frank did something else instead, something Gerard hadn't been expecting, because no one had ever done this for him, and Gerard had never in his wildest imaginings allowed himself to think that anyone ever would.

But there was Frank, spreading him open with the tips of his fingers before pressing his tongue flat against his asshole, licking upward gently in a way that had Gerard crying out loudly, because  _fuck_  - this felt good; Gerard had no idea he would like being eaten out so much, but  _still_ \- his immediate reaction was to pull away from Frank's mouth, his hips pressing upward until his entire lower half was smashed against the scratchy couch, his cock both loving and hating the almost painful pressure.

"Frank...y-you don't, I haven't..." Gerard whispered in a shaky tone of voice, his insecurities flaring up suddenly, because this wasn't usual, this was borderline _filthy_ , and he couldn't sit by and let Frank do this without some form of protest, but he was instantly quieted by Frank's hands digging into his sides, tugging him back to his previous position determinedly.

"Shut up and let me get my mouth on you," Frank practically growled before shoving his face back in-between Gerard's cheeks, his tongue instantly starting to do this flicking motion that felt way too fucking good to be real, but it  _was_ , and Frank was doing this, and not only that - he  _wanted_  to do it, which pretty much made Gerard fall the final step down the staircase that led him to the doorway which would open him up to being completely in love with Frank, if he wasn't there already that is.

Frank was humming happily as he continued to push his tongue against Gerard's trembling rim, his shoulders forcing Gerard to spread his legs wide so Frank could fit between them, and just when Gerard thought he was going to spontaneously combust from the amount of sensations he was feeling, Frank forced his tongue  _inside_  him, twisting it against his sensitive walls while Gerard practically  _screamed_ in ecstasy.

"Frank...I - I," Gerard whimpered, his body writhing under Frank's persistent tongue as his stomach tightened notch by notch, and Gerard knew he would be lucky if he lasted another minute at this rate. 

"You're gonna come aren't you?" Frank rasped out, pressing two of his tattooed fingers inside of Gerard to replace his tongue. "Wanna come with my tongue inside you?" Frank asked.

Gerard's only response was a desperate keening noise which erupted from deep in his throat, but much to Gerard's relief, Frank took that as a yes, burying his tongue deep inside of Gerard while keeping his two digits in as well, angling them upward until the pads of his fingers brushed against Gerard's prostate, and that was it; Gerard snapped, his hips pushing back against Frank's face as he clutched his cock tightly, come spilling all over his fingers, and his skirt, and the couch upholstery as Gerard released the sluttiest moan he had ever made in his entire life.

Gerard collapsed forward once his orgasm finally ended, exhaustion leaking into his muscles instantly as his scrambled brain tried to process everything that just happened, which wasn't made any easier by the soft kisses Frank was still pressing against his thighs, his lips slowly moving up Gerard's weakened body, flipping him over gently in the process so he could proceed to connect their lips passionately before pulling away reluctantly.

" _Oh god_...your couch, I'm sorry," Frank gasped when he saw the impressive come stain Gerard had left on the fabric, but _really_  - Gerard didn't give a single fuck about the state of his furniture right now, he actually hated that couch, but even if he had loved it, having Frank eat him out was more than worth a spot on a stupid cushion, and Frank's apparent concern for the shitty seat seemed like the most hilarious thing in the world to Gerard in his blissed out state.

"Are you seriously apologizing?" Gerard wheezed in disbelief, his chest heaving as he laughed loudly at the ridiculous notion of Frank feeling bad for giving Gerard the best orgasm of his life.

"Shut up, you know what I mean," Frank giggled along with Gerard after a moment, pulling Gerard's lax body up onto the aforementioned couch, avoiding the large wet spot in the process.

"I think you broke me," Gerard grumbled tiredly, leaning his head against Frank's chest as he feebly tried to pull off his sticky skirt to avoid getting any come on Frank.

"That good huh?" Frank grinned proudly, his eyes literally dancing in delight as he tugged Gerard even closer to him, causing Gerard to gasp when he felt what could only be a semi pressing against his back.

"Yeah... _fucking hell_  Frank, are you getting hard again?" Gerard twisted his body so he could see for himself, and sure enough - Frank's cock was quickly coming back to life, the tip already leaking slightly where it was pressed in-between their sweaty bodies.

"Yeah...I - uh, you make some really hot noises, and it's been awhile since I've been with anyone, but don't worry, I'll take care of it later." Frank's already flushed face took on an even deeper shade of red at his admission, but Gerard felt his own cock twitch at the thought of getting Frank off again so soon. 

"Come here," Gerard commanded, forcing his shaky limbs to stand up, tossing off his ruined skirt before taking Frank's hand and leading him into the bedroom.

"Gerard...it's okay, you don't have to do anything," Frank tried to protest, but Gerard wasn't listening, he wanted Frank to be as satisfied as he felt, and even though he didn't have much energy left in his body, Gerard was pretty sure he could make Frank come one more time before he collapsed entirely.

"Do I need to tell you to shut up now?" Gerard grinned before pushing Frank down onto the bed gently, covering his naked body with his own before pressing his mouth to Frank's in a needy kiss.

"Shit Gerard..." Frank moaned against his lips, pushing his now fully erect cock against Gerard's as they made out heavily, their sweat and precome making the slide too fucking good, and  _holy shit_  - Gerard was almost all the way hard again too, which was pretty ridiculous considering the intense orgasm he had just experienced not five minutes ago, but this was Frank he was lying naked on top of after all, so his out of control sex drive wasn't really that surprising.

"Frank...can you finger me again?" Gerard pleaded softly, the urge to be filled up by something overtaking his hormone driven mind, but he was still holding to his earlier pledge of not going all the way with Frank just yet, even though that was such a difficult promise to keep as his body pushed down harder against Frank's cock, his mouth relocating to one of Frank's nipples, sucking gently on the raised bud as Frank cried out noisily.

" _Fuck_ ," Frank whimpered, one of his hands pressing against the back of Gerard's head to keep him in contact with his chest while he placed two fingers in his mouth, coating them in his own salvia before trailing them down Gerard's spine, finally inserting them into his already spit soaked hole.

"God Frank...you don't know how long I've wanted this," Gerard gasped out as Frank's digits entered him, the callused pads finding his prostate almost instantly, causing Gerard to cry out loudly while he wrapped his long fingers around Frank's cock as they continued to roll their hips together sensually. "Right there Frank...please don't stop," Gerard begged, alternating between pushing himself back on Frank's fingers and shoving forward against his hard length.

"Me too...been wanting to touch you for ages,  _oh god_  - I'm close already," Frank moaned deep in his throat, the sound causing a shiver to erupt down Gerard's spine, the fact that Frank was already on the edge for the second time tonight because of Gerard's actions was intensifying everything to an almost unbearable level. "Keep doing that - bite me," Frank begged, arching his back so his hard nipples were presented to Gerard's swollen lips.

" _Holy fuck_ ," Gerard whispered, more to himself than to Frank, pressing himself back against Frank's fingers as he lowered his mouth down again, scraping his teeth over Frank's nipple before biting down with more force than he would usually use, feeling a violent shudder wrack Frank's body when Gerard's canines came in contact with his sensitive skin.

"More -  _please_..." Frank's voice came out hoarse and wrecked, and even though Gerard was nervous about hurting him, he did what Frank asked, pressing his teeth down hard enough to leave a visible mark before closing his jaw together slowly.

" _Oh fuck_  - holy shit." Frank wrapped his legs around Gerard, pushing his cock into his hand one more time before releasing all over his own stomach, a tortured groan vibrating through Gerard's lips where they were still firmly clamped around Frank's nipple as Frank whimpered softly.

" _Holy fuck_ \- that's so hot," Gerard keened, sitting up slightly, causing Frank's two fingers to slip that much deeper inside him as Gerard grabbed his leaking cock, and it only took three more strokes before his come was mixing with Frank's, splattering against his tattoos in an obscene parody of the artwork that covered Frank's skin.

Gerard didn't know how much time had passed during which he and Frank panted heavily, staring into each other's eyes as the effects of their second orgasm slowly began to fade away; it could have been thirty seconds, it could have been two hours, but eventually, Frank stretched lazily beneath him, a wide grin splitting his face in two as one of his hands brushed against Gerard's cheek in a loving manner.

"This isn't a dream right?" Gerard blurted out suddenly, letting Frank tug his body down next to his as Frank wrapped his arms around him.

"No honey, at least, I  _really_  fucking hope not," Frank giggled quietly, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Gerard's head, his touch lingering as if he was reluctant to have his lips separated from Gerard's skin.

"That  _really_  happened - I...you _really_  like me," Gerard mumbled sleepily, his orgasm fried brain trying his best to process everything now that his overwhelming lust had faded away, and in so many ways, this still seemed too good to be true, because this was  _Frank_ \- Frank had eaten him out, Frank was naked next to him right now, and this sort of stuff only happened in Gerard's fantasies... _right_?

"Mhmm, I  _really_  fucking like you," Frank nodded, a yawn splitting up his sentence as he laid his head against Gerard's bare chest.

"Can you stay the night with me?" Gerard asked nervously, because even though he knew there was no way he was going to be able to work himself up for a round three, he couldn't think of anything he would rather do besides fall asleep with Frank's warm body in his arms.

"Of course honey."


	19. In Which Gerard Freaks Out And Frank Makes Waffles

Gerard woke up reluctantly, his body doing its best to ignore the outside stimuli that was slowly pushing him into consciousness, but as hard as Gerard tried to sink back down into the warm sheets and ignore the soft sounds of his neighbors moving about that were rapidly becoming louder by the second, he didn't have much luck, and eventually, he was forced to open his eyes and relinquish his hold on sleep entirely, squinting against the bright sunlight that shone through the open curtains on the other side of the room.

Still, Gerard was in no hurry to actually get out of bed, that just seemed like entirely too much effort, so he simply stretched lazily, his joints popping in a satisfying manner as his gaze wandered to the red numbers that graced the face of this ancient alarm clock.

**9:57am**

Oh fuck - Gerard was late to work,  _really_  fucking late, so late that it wasn't even worth it to attempt making it into the office today, he would just have to call in later with some bullshit story about how he was sick, and he hadn't heard his alarm this morning - actually, he truly hadn't heard the familiar blaring sound that usually awoke him without fail, which was strange, but it was possible that Gerard had just forgotten to set it last night, even though that was very unlike him.

There was no point in worrying about it now though, because Gerard still had a little bit of sick time left, and no one would probably care about Gerard's absence; the worst case scenario involved his boss chewing him out, but  _whatever_  - it had happened before, and knowing Gerard's lousy attendance lately, it would happen again.

Something still seemed off to Gerard though -  _wrong_  even, ignoring the small pit of dread that was currently forming in his stomach, but that always happened when Gerard missed work, regardless of if he had a good reason or not, but that wasn't what had Gerard anxious and slightly on edge, he couldn't quite place what it was though.

Maybe it was just the oddity of waking up so late, because Gerard wasn't sure why he had been so irresponsible this morning, it didn't make sense, because Gerard just didn't do that unless he had a good reason, and honestly, that reason usually involved Frank in one way or another, but -  _oh fuck_ , Frank had been here - hadn't he, he had spent the night, and that explained why Gerard hadn't bothered to remember that he had work in the morning, but it also awoke a flurry of other questions that increased Gerard's uneasy feeling to the point of queasiness.

Gerard had no idea how the fact that Frank had spent the night had managed to slip his mind, but now it was all coming back; Frank had kissed Gerard, and  _more_...so much more, but where was he  _now_? Gerard was positive that Frank had fallen asleep here, he could vividly recall drifting off to his soft breathing, but then  _nothing_  - Gerard had no idea when Frank had taken off, or why, and the unknown was causing his breath to catch in his chest and his heart to beat at twice the normal rate.

Memories of last night began assaulting Gerard's mind like reels from a movie, his eyes fluttering shut as he replayed the events of their evening, starting with the kiss outside of his apartment, and ending with the way they had lain naked together in each other's arms, but obviously Gerard hadn't woken up that way, he was alone in his bed at the moment, and now that he realized that Frank had left, he instantly began to panic.

Because Frank was here, and now he wasn't, and that could mean so many things, or it could mean absolutely nothing, but  _fuck_  - what if Gerard had messed up, what if Frank had started to rethink everything after Gerard had surrendered to slumber, maybe he didn't like Gerard anymore, or Gerard had moved too fast, or  _something_.

Gerard's breathing quickened as he glanced around rapidly, trying to ascertain if Frank was in the bathroom, or hiding in the closet, and even in his distressed state, Gerard chuckled at his own lame attempt at a joke, but once he realized that Frank was nowhere to be seen, all traces of humor dissipated from his mind, despair taking over instead.

Gerard didn't know what to think, or to do, because he had no idea what had actually happened, and maybe Frank just had somewhere to be, and he would return later, or maybe not -  _fuck_ , Gerard wasn't used to this mess of feelings, and even though a small part of his brain knew that he was overreacting, that knowledge did nothing to calm him down.

Gerard wasn't even sure what last night meant to Frank, because  _yes_  - he had admitted to liking Gerard for quite some time, but did that mean he was looking for a real relationship, or was this just going to turn into a fuck buddy sort of thing, and even though Gerard wouldn't mind that, he wanted to truly be with Frank, he  _ached_  for it, and now that he was gone, Gerard was seriously regretting not voicing his thoughts earlier.

But at the same time, Gerard was scared -  _terrified_  actually, because no one had ever showed any interest in pursuing a relationship with Gerard, so what were the odds that his crush of over a year would want to? Frank was so far out of his league it was almost hilarious, and he could have his pick of anyone, so why would he settle on Gerard, that just didn't make any sense.

With a frustrated sigh, Gerard attempted to get out of bed, maybe he could search around and see if Frank had left a note or something explaining his absence, but being the clumsy fucker that he was, Gerard didn't notice the way his feet were tangled in the sheets, which resulted in him falling onto his side with an embarrassing thump, a frightened squeak leaving his mouth as he was deposited onto the scratchy carpet.

Gerard groaned in pain as he kicked off the stupid fabric that had attempted to kill him, wincing slightly at the dull ache shooting up his spine, which was just another reminder of what had happened with Frank last night, and Gerard really didn't want that right now, not when his head was spinning, and he missed Frank already, and he was actually on the verge of tears for some ridiculous reason.

Gerard didn't have the energy to get up, so he stayed on the floor, his bare skin quickly being covered in goosebumps as it was exposed to the chill air, but Gerard could hardly feel the nip of cold, he was stuck inside his head right now, drowning in the multitude of thoughts that were assaulting him regarding Frank's whereabouts, and if he was ever coming back, and if Gerard should even bother trying to find him, because moping in bed all day sounded like a much better idea right now.

Gerard knew he was being stupid, and Frank had probably just needed to be at a previous commitment, but  _still_ , it was early, and Gerard's brain was muddled from the fall, and the sleep still clogging his thoughts, and he just wanted Frank back, he wanted to make sure that last night hadn't been a fluke, because if it was, Gerard didn't think he would be able to handle it.

He just couldn't go back to pretending to be friends with Frank, not after they had gotten so close; Gerard was barely holding himself together right now, and he had only realized that Frank was gone maybe ten minutes ago, and  _fuck_  - Gerard wasn't even doing that anymore, because hot tears were escaping out of his eyes without his consent, his chest heaving as he pulled the sheet that had tried to murder him around his naked body in a pathetic attempt at shielding himself from his unruly emotions.

 _Fuck_  - Gerard hated this, he  _really_  did, but now that he and Frank had finally admitted their feelings for each other, Gerard wasn't sure where they went from here; he knew most people dated, but Gerard had never done that before, he had never had the opportunity, and being thrown into a relationship with Frank was just as horrifying as it was exciting.

Because even though Gerard had struggled with hiding his feelings when he and Frank had just been friends, and he had truly wanted things to progress between them, Gerard hadn't considered all of the pitfalls that would come along with opening his heart up to the one person who had the power to crush it.

What if he and Frank didn't work together, what if Frank broke up with him, then Gerard would lose him forever, and that was so much worse than never pursuing a relationship with him in the first place. At least they would have very little chance of a falling out if they stayed friends, but now everything was up in the air, and Gerard didn't like this feeling, he wasn't in control anymore, he was exposed, and weak, and vulnerable, and Frank had left him just when he needed him most.

Gerard wasn't sure how long he sat there sobbing, his limbs shaking as he tried to expel all of the negative energy from his seriously fucked up brain, but even though Gerard knew he didn't have a true reason to cry -  _not yet_  anyway, not before he talked to Frank, he couldn't stop himself, he was just so overwhelmed, and confused, and lonely, and even though he knew he should get up and attempt to call Frank, he couldn't, not right now, not until he had gotten this sorrow out of his system.

"Gerard -  _oh fuck_ , are you okay?" Frank's voice broke through Gerard's random pity fest, and for one moment, he truly believed that he had imagined him, but  _no_  - that was Frank crossing the room hastily, his tattooed arms wrapping around Gerard's trembling frame, his familiar scent that Gerard inhaled when he buried his face in the crook of Frank's neck.

"I - I'm okay, I'm sorry..." Gerard gasped out, his tears slowly ebbing now that Frank was here, even though Gerard still fully didn't understand what was happening, and he was slightly mortified by the fact that Frank was seeing him this way, but the side of Gerard that yearned to be held pushed away his lingering embarrassment, instead, he focused on calming down enough to be able to speak properly, even though he had no idea what he was going to say when he reached that point.

"Hey - shh...it's okay, I've got you," Frank cooed softly, his hand threading through Gerard's hair gently as he spoke.

"I - I know, I'm just being stupid...just ignore me," Gerard hiccupped softly, pulling back from Frank slightly when his tears had finally slowed down to a trickle instead of a flood.

"Honey, you aren't  _stupid_ , but what happened - are you hurt, or...?" Frank trailed off as his gaze raked over Gerard's exposed body, and once he found no obvious sign of injuries, he locked eyes with Gerard, trying to decipher the cause of his tears without having to use any more words.

"I fell out of bed, but that's not why I was crying...I - I just," Gerard gulped loudly, trying to figure out how to word his distress without freaking Frank out. "I missed you...I thought you left."

"Oh - no honey, I was just in the kitchen making you breakfast. I felt bad because I may have accidentally turned off your alarm earlier, so I thought I would make up for it with waffles," Frank chucked nervously, his cheeks tinting a pale shade of red as he waited for Gerard's reaction.

"I was wondering why I didn't hear it," Gerard smiled weakly, ignoring the way the motion stretched his sticky, tear stained cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I  _really_  am - I just did it on instinct, and by the time I actually woke up, I realized it was too late for you to get to work..."

"Frank, I don't mind -  _really_ , I'm just glad you are still here," Gerard mumbled quietly, his hand lacing through Frank's tentatively as he spoke.

"Why did you think I wouldn't be?" Frank asked gently, his arms coming back up to wrap around Gerard's waist slowly.

"I - I don't know...it's just, you were there, and then you  _weren't_ , and I - last night, and..." Gerard mumbled quietly, his free hand tracing random patterns on the floor as he did his best to avoid Frank's searching eyes.

"Did I do something wrong...I - I know things moved pretty fast last night, and I shouldn't have lost control of myself like that, and I'm sorry -"

"No - no, it's not that at all, it... _fuck_ , I don't want to say it, I sound so pathetic," Gerard whined, burying his face in the sheet so he could hide his blushing cheeks from Frank's gaze.

"Hey...you can talk to me honey, I'm not going to get upset, and I can't help you feel better if I don't understand what's wrong," Frank pressed gently, his lips grazing lightly against Gerard's temple as he leaned into Frank's side weakly.

"I - I need to know what last night was, and if you could ever actually want to be in a relationship with me, even though I still can't believe you like me at all," Gerard scoffed, doing his best to hide his inner pain with a show of fake humor.

Frank stayed silent for a long moment, and even though it was probably only thirty seconds at most, Gerard swore they sat there for an hour, the only audible sound was his pounding heart and sharp inhales as he waited for Frank to speak, or leave, or do something -  _anything_  really.

Frank finally shifted slightly, placing his body directly in front of Gerard as he balanced his weight on his knees. "Gerard, would you please do me the honor of being my boyfriend?" Frank placed a chaste kiss to his knuckles once the words had left his lips, a hint of fear clouding his hazel eyes as he peered up at Gerard patiently.

Gerard didn't need to think about his answer, because it was  _yes_  - of course it was yes, but despite the sparks of sheer joy that were bursting in his bloodstream, Gerard needed to know  _why_ , he couldn't continue down this road with all of his fears and doubts nipping at his heels along the way.

"I want to be with you Frank, I do - so  _fucking_  much, but I just...why do you want to be with me? I'm just Gerard, I'm nothing special, but you - you are  _Frank_ , you could take your pick of anyone, and I don't understand what you see in me," Gerard ended on a whimper, a second round of tears stinging his eyelids as he revealed the questions that had been plaguing him to Frank's waiting ears.

"Oh honey... _fuck_  - I wish you could see what I do when I look at you," Frank murmured softly. "Do you remember what I told you last night?" Frank asked softly, his hands coming up to rest on Gerard's shoulders as he inched closer to the trembling man.

"Yeah..." Gerard nodded slowly, because he did recall Frank listing a few reasons why he liked him, something about him being sweet, and artistic, and a few other good qualities about Gerard, but that wasn't enough to enlighten Gerard as to why Frank chose him out of all the admirers he must have flocking around him after every show. "I just -  _god_ , you must think I'm such a mess, but I'm just scared Frank...no one likes me, not for anything more than a quick fuck, and I can't wrap my head around why you do."

"Do you know how long it's been since I've had a proper relationship?" Frank questioned, leaving Gerard to shake his head no, because he couldn't remember Frank ever mentioning it, and even if he had, Gerard had probably blocked it out so he wouldn't explode from jealously. "Three years...almost four now actually."

" _What_  - how is that possible?" Gerard gasped, because he had assumed that Frank had people like Gerard throwing themselves at him left and right, and he couldn't imagine Frank being so picky as to not take a liking to anyone.

"Because not very many people like me - not the  _real_  me, and you have no idea how many of my relationships have ended because my boyfriends couldn't accept the different sides of me," Frank sighed heavily, and this time, it was Frank who was leaning into Gerard for comfort, and not the other way around.

"What do you mean...they don't like you being a drag queen?" Gerard pressed when Frank remained silent.

"Sometimes, my last boyfriend didn't mind that so much, but he didn't understand why I chose to wear skirts outside of my shows, and he always made all of these assumptions about me without getting to know me first - stupid things really, like thinking I didn't want to top just because I occasionally dressed in woman's clothing, and no matter how many times I tried to explain it to him, he didn't seem to get that I wasn't secretly transgender. I just like fucking skirts okay, but he kept putting all this pressure on me to _'come out'_ , he said I was lying about who I really was, and there was no way I could enjoy being a drag queen if I didn't truly want to be a woman. He was an asshole, even though I know he thought he was helping me, and I never should have gotten with him in the first place, but I was lonely...and I thought staying with him was better than being single. He was the best out of the bunch though, which is pretty fucking sad," Frank exhaled heavily, his chest heaving slightly when he was finished speaking, and Gerard could tell that this was something Frank didn't let very many people know about.

"Oh Frank...I'm sorry, you don't deserve that," Gerard whispered, pulling Frank closer to him in an attempt at soothing him with his touch.

"I know I don't - at least,  _now_  I do, and that's why I have been single for so long. I swore I would wait for someone who accepted every side of me, who wouldn't try to change me, or be embarrassed of me, someone who I wouldn't have to hide my skirts and makeup from, someone that would be proud to walk out in public with me no matter what I wearing that day, and  _fuck_  - you have no idea how hard that is to find, and then you came into my life. You fucking swept me off my feet -  _literally_ , and I kept waiting for you to fuck up, or judge me, or just stop being my friend entirely, but you didn't...you  _stayed_ , and I -  _fuck_  Gerard, I still can't believe I found someone as perfect as you."

"Frank..." Gerard choked out, his eyes brimming with tears for the third time this morning, but on this occasion, they stemmed from happiness, "I want to be that person for you, I'm just so scared of messing something up...I have never had a boyfriend before, and I'm - I'm weird, I'm fucked up, and what if I start annoying you eventually, what if you get tired of me, what if -"

"Honey...I know you are nervous, and I can't see the future, but I have been your friend for a while now, and I'm aware that you have some anxiety issues, but I don't give a fuck, that doesn't make you any less of a person in my eyes, and if you want, I'll keep trying to help you with those, but either way, it doesn't change how much I like you, and if you let me, I'll show you that you have nothing to be afraid of."

"I -  _okay_ , I'd like that," Gerard smiled, really truly smiled, the expression only lengthening as Frank beamed up at him with adoration sparkling in his eyes.

"Thank fuck," Frank mumbled, more to himself than to Gerard, and before Gerard could respond to the statement that probably wasn't meant for him, Frank was kissing him; it was soft and gentle, just a simple press of the lips, but Gerard's skin was actually tingling underneath Frank's, and he found all of his doubts draining out of him as Frank continued to kiss him slowly.

"So boyfriend, do you want some waffles, they should still be hot," Frank grinned when they finally pulled apart. Gerard's stomach rumbled loudly just when he opened his mouth to form an answer, causing Frank to laugh uproariously as he tugged Gerard to his feet, leaving Gerard blushing profusely when he realized he was still completely naked, which of course, only made Frank laugh even louder as Gerard scrambled to find some clothes.

Once Gerard was covered again, he followed Frank into his small kitchen, inhaling deeply when the scent of waffles reached his nose. Gerard couldn't stop staring at Frank as he hurried over to the counter the food was placed on, ignoring Gerard's protest that he could get his own breakfast, and even after they were both digging into their plates eagerly, Gerard's eyes never left Frank's form.

 _Fuck_  - this was  _real_ , this was happening, Frank was his  _boyfriend_  now, and even though Gerard kept expecting Frank to disappear whenever he was forced to blink, he  _didn't_ , this wasn't a dream, although Gerard didn't think that it was humanly possible to feel this happy, but he wasn't complaining, especially not when Frank leaned over and kissed Gerard's syrup soaked lips tenderly.

"Thank you," Gerard spoke up after a few minutes of nothing but the clink of utensils and the chewing of food breaking the still air, "and not just for breakfast, but for everything, for staying this morning, for giving me a chance, for opening up to me, for wanting me..." Gerard trailed off when he noticed the way Frank was staring at him, his cheeks staining red at the undivided attention his new boyfriend was gracing him with.

"Honey...that's what boyfriends do, and _fuck_ \- I am so glad I'm your first. I will make sure you don't get hurt like I did." Frank flinched slightly at the mention of his past, and Gerard noticed, so he gently pulled Frank off of the bar stool he was currently perched on, placing him in his lap instead.

"I want to do the same thing for you okay, so you have to tell me if I do something stupid, I never want to make you feel that way."

"You won't honey, you haven't before, and even if you do, I know you will listen to what I say instead of instantly judging me," Frank reassured Gerard, and even though Gerard was still slightly apprehensive, he wasn't petrified of ruining this anymore, because he would do everything in his power to keep Frank happy and his, and it seemed as if Frank was just as willing to make this work as Gerard was.

"Of course, because you are Frank, and you wouldn't be Frank without all those unique aspects that drew me to you in the first place."

"See - you get me, I don't know how, but you just do," Frank sighed happily.

Gerard didn't respond with words, nothing he could say seemed good enough, so he did the only thing he could think of, pressing his lips to Frank's once again, and  _fuck_  - Gerard would never get tired of this feeling, and now he was free to kiss Frank whenever he wanted, because they were together now, after almost a year of hopeless pining, Gerard had finally gotten the one thing he never imagined he would be able to have.


	20. Stage 4 Fear Of How Freaking Cute This Chapter Is

Almost a month had passed since Frank had asked Gerard to be his boyfriend, and  _fuck_  - they had been the best four weeks of Gerard's short life, and everything just kept getting better as time ticked onward, each day spent with Frank was erasing more of Gerard's fears about them not being compatible, or Gerard fucking something up, because in all honesty, everything has been borderline perfect so far, and Gerard saw no signs of things going downhill in the future.

Gerard had been intimidated at first, especially with everyone's reaction to the fact that he and Frank had finally gotten together; Lindsey had squealed so loud, Gerard swore one of his eardrums had busted, and Rainne had hugged him so hard, Gerard's ribs hurt for hours afterwards. All of the attention had made Gerard uncomfortable, exacerbating his fears with all the added pressure, because everyone was so excited for them, and Gerard didn't want to disappoint them by being a failure of a boyfriend, but over time, the scrutiny and demands for details trickled off, and Gerard was left alone to try and figure things out on his own.

Actually being with Frank was much easier than Gerard had expected, and in a lot of ways, it was almost as if they simply added a more physical aspect to their friendship, because Frank had always been touchy, he had always called Gerard's pet names, but now Gerard felt comfortable doing it back, now Gerard didn't have to shove away his hidden desire to hold Frank's hand whenever he wanted, or kiss him, and even though Gerard was nervous about when and where he could do such things at first, he slowly got over his lingering insecurities and began to be more carefree.

Another worry popped into Gerard's head about a week into their relationship, and that was how clingy he was; he spent almost every day with Frank, if Gerard wasn't at work, he was with Frank, either watching movies, or going out to dinner, or just napping together, and they both slept over at one of their apartments without fail every single evening.

Even though Gerard could never get enough of Frank, he was terrified that Frank would quickly get bored of him, and that nagging thought had Gerard edgy and uncomfortable every time he called Frank up asking him if it was okay to come over.

Frank had a way of drawing things out of Gerard though, of getting him to talk, even when he was mortified of what he had to say, so it wasn't long before Gerard admitted his fear aloud, only for Frank to laugh in surprise before admitting that he wanted to spend every hour of every day with Gerard, and if for some reason he ever needed his space, he would make sure to tell Gerard, even though he highly doubted that would happen.

After that talk, Gerard calmed down considerably; he forced himself to stop analyzing every little nuance in their relationship, and much to his relief, he found that everything just seemed to click into place. He and Frank were  _made_  for each other, at least, that was how Gerard saw it, and their lives melded seamlessly together to the point that Gerard couldn't imagine an existence without Frank in it. 

In fact, Gerard only had one complaint about their current situation, and that was Frank's stubborn refusal to have sex with him, even though they had already done everything but,  _still_  - Frank truly seemed to believe that they had moved too fast, even though Gerard did not agree, but all of his short dalliances with men had been mainly focused around fucking, so maybe Frank was right, but that didn't mean Gerard was happy about it.

Frank's reasoning behind it was sweet though, he explained to Gerard that he wanted to be a proper boyfriend for him, and he truly wanted to wait a bit to make sure that Gerard was comfortable with everything before they jumped into sex, and as much as Gerard wanted to tell Frank that he was one hundred percent ready to be fucked  _right now_ , he respected Frank's wishes, and they did still fool around at times, so that was enough to keep Gerard satisfied for the moment.

Gerard blushed slightly when he realized that the route his thoughts had taken were making him a bit hot and bothered, hiding his red cheeks behind his hands and hoping that Frank didn't notice what he was doing, because Gerard really didn't want Frank to ask what was on his mind right now, but luckily for him, Frank wasn't looking his way currently, and Gerard managed to get his body under control before the older man turned his head back toward him.

Gerard was currently sprawled out on Frank's couch, choosing to spend his Saturday afternoon doing nothing besides lazing around, and Frank seemed to share his sentiment; neither of them had been up for leaving the house today, and Gerard was just fine with that. As much as he enjoyed going out with Rainne and Brendon, and sometimes Lindsey if she wasn't busy, Gerard's favorite moments were anything that involved just him and Frank.

Gerard's sock covered feet tapped in time to some tune Frank was playing on the guitar as he hummed softly to himself; Frank had been occupied with his music when Gerard had arrived, and even though he tried to put the instrument away once he spotted his boyfriend, Gerard had protested, wanting to hear Frank perform when he wasn't on stage for once, and after some halfhearted grumbling, Frank had agreed.

Frank would randomly halt his playing so he could run his fingers through Gerard's freshly dyed hair, apparently he loved how soft it felt when Gerard touched it up, and Gerard wasn't complaining; Frank's fingers brushing against his scalp was akin to being in heaven, and Gerard leaned into his touch every time, sighing softly to himself in contentment.

And in that moment, Gerard had to physically force his lips together so three little words wouldn't go tumbling past them without his consent, because  _fuck_  - Gerard  _loved_  Frank, he had for a while now, but he couldn't tell him yet, it wasn't the right moment, and Gerard might have turned into a much more open person lately, but he knew this was too much, it was too heavy, too soon, so he stayed silent, thinking the statement to himself instead of voicing it aloud.

Gerard had thought long and hard about this conclusion, because he wanted to make sure that what he felt for Frank was real, and not just him clinging on to the first person who wanted to date him, but Gerard  _knew_  he loved Frank, even though he had never been in love before, and he had nothing to compare it to, but  _still_  - there was no other explanation for the warm feeling in his chest that suddenly erupted out of nowhere every time he looked at Frank, or the way his simple presence could make Gerard smile, even on his worst days.

The opposite happened as well, if Frank was upset, Gerard was too, as if their emotions were linked, and Gerard had never experienced that with anyone before. Gerard knew what it was like to care for someone, he and Lindsey were exceptionally close, but this bond he had with Frank was unlike anything Gerard had ever known, and it was changing him for the better in so many ways.

Frank had kept to his earlier promise to help Gerard with his anxiety, and against all odds, it was  _working_ ; Frank was like Gerard's own personal brand of Xanax, and even though he still struggled heavily with his irrational fears when Frank wasn't by his side, that was a rare occurrence, and Gerard found himself becoming more social, which in turn strengthened his relationship with the other drag queens at the club, especially Brendon and Rainne.

Frank had also inspired Gerard to dress however he wanted much more often, and Gerard found himself going out in public donning skirts at least twice a week. The initial terror and panic lasted for a much shorter period each time he did it, and as long as Gerard kept his eyes focused on Frank, he managed not to pay any attention to everyone else's reactions to his questionable attire.

Gerard still wasn't entirely sure why he liked woman's clothing so much, but after talking to Frank and Rainne more about his feelings, he was almost one hundred percent certain that he was gender fluid; some days he felt more like a boy, other days he felt more feminine, and occasionally he felt like neither, but Gerard didn't feel comfortable using they/them pronouns, and Rainne assured him that as long as he was happy, he could use whatever labels he wanted for himself.

Rainne's advice helped Gerard so much, because even though he felt like the term gender fluid fit him, there was so many others that seemed similar as well, like non-binary for instance, or demiflux, but for now, it was liberating enough to be able to say that he identified with both genders, and Gerard couldn't remember the last time he had felt this comfortable in his own skin.

Frank had been amazingly supportive the entire time, helping Gerard look up information on gender for hours some days, he even said that he learned a little bit about himself in the process. He never once pushed Gerard to pick something, or to just make up his mind already, and he would listen to Gerard ramble about his newfound discoveries without ever once appearing bored.

All of these little things just reinforced Gerard's belief that he was in love with Frank, and even though he wasn't sure if Frank felt the same way, it didn't matter to him right now, because Frank  _cared_  about him - he cared so  _fucking_  much, more than anyone ever had before, and that was enough for Gerard, more than enough, because maybe one day, Frank would love him too, and just the thought of that happening had Gerard's stomach tingling pleasantly and his heart expanding in his chest.

"Do you want to hear one of my original songs?" Frank spoke up suddenly, snapping Gerard out of his day dreams involving Frank professing his love for him, Frank's fingers never stopping their motion through Gerard's locks.

"Oh fuck yes," Gerard perked up instantly, the idea of hearing one of Frank's compositions bringing a large smile to his face.

"Don't get so excited," Frank chuckled nervously, "they really aren't that good, but I remember you saying you would cut off your arm to hear one?" Frank teased, a shit eating grin splitting his face as he spoke.

" _Oh god_...I did, didn't I? I have no idea how you put up with me back then, I was such a fanboy," Gerard groaned, his hands coming up to cover his eyes so he could avoid Frank's gaze.

"A fanboy?" Frank questioned, one of his eyebrows rising up slightly as Gerard peered at him through his fingers.

"Oh hell yes - you have no idea, I literally never missed one of your shows, it's been over a year since the first one, and I had a crush on you even back then... _oh fuck_  - why am I telling you this?" Gerard blushed harder than he had in ages when Frank began chuckling under his breath, twisting his body into the couch so he could hide his shame within the plush cushions.

"Aw honey, don't do that," Frank giggled, forcibly pushing Gerard onto his back again so his face was revealed once more. "I think it's cute, and if you hadn't been my fanboy, I never would have ended up with such a perfect boyfriend." Frank punctuated his statement by leaning down and kissing the tip of Gerard's nose, causing Gerard to snicker softly at the affectionate action.

"Shut up - it's so  _embarrassing_ , just forget I ever said anything, but if it got you to notice me, than it was worth it," Gerard agreed, sitting up slightly so he could press his spine against Frank's side.

"Oh no - I am so holding this against you forever," Frank smirked, setting his guitar down so he could wrap his arms loosely around Gerard's waist.

"Hey - stop trying to change the subject. You honestly don't think you are getting out of singing for me that easily, do you?" Gerard huffed, playfully pushing Frank away so his hands were free to pick up his instrument once again.

"Well it's your fault for distracting me, but okay." Frank inhaled deeply, his eyes fluttering closed as he began to strum the opening chords of the song.

_If I face my fears_  
_Would my skies be all but clear?_

_Probably not, then again_  
_I've always held my doubts so close to my heart_  
_That these frames have trapped all my better days_  
_There they stay_

_Frozen and unscathed_  
_Though I've traveled far_  
_I've been back to the start_  
_And I found some scars in places I have never shown to anyone_  
_I don't know why it took so long to get back home_

_"If you could hear the dreams I've had, my dear..."_  
_Yeah I know_

_You've heard that line before_  
_But if I had the chance to scream all the things I've underlined_  
_Yeah you'd find I'm a thief_  
_But my taste is so refined_  
_And I traveled far, I reached for the stars_  
_But those stars don't reach back_  
_They're better left alone_  
_Everyone will tell you_  
_I never felt more alone than when I fell_  
_I don't know why it took so long to get back home_

_All these miles just to get back home_  
_Travelled all these miles just to get back home_

When Frank finished, the final note resounding in the otherwise silent room, Gerard had to physically close his gaping jaw, his mouth dry and cracked because of how long it had been hanging open.

"Frank - I... _wow_ , holy shit, you are fucking  _incredible_ ," Gerard stuttered out, his mind unable to form a full sentence, Frank's words still ringing in his brain as he tried to grasp onto the fleeting sound.

" _Really_  - you aren't just saying that?" Frank asked, his cheeks tinting a slight shade of red as he waited for Gerard's answer.

"That was the best thing I have ever heard in my life, cross my heart and hope to die," Gerard exclaimed loudly, his expression oozing honesty as Frank grinned broadly in response. "Can you play it again -  _please_?"

"Yeah, of course," Frank nodded eagerly, his fingers instantly beginning to form the notes once more as Gerard gazed at Frank with a rapt expression on his face.

Gerard closed his eyes as Frank continued to sing, the notes and lyrics filling him with an indescribable array of emotions as Frank poured his heart out through his music. Frank sounded so sad, so  _alone_ , but not quite broken, his spirit hadn't been defeated, and Gerard could only guess at what Frank had been going through when he wrote this, but whatever had caused this outpouring of artistic sorrow, Gerard hoped it was in the past now, and that Frank wasn't suffering any longer.

When Frank came upon the repeating lines again, Gerard began to sing along without thinking about what he was doing, the words already engraved into his memory from his first time listening to the piece. His and Frank's voices melded seamlessly, and Gerard felt as if he was a part of Frank's world for a few short moments, as if he was experiencing whatever tragedy had inspired Frank to compose this song, he was sharing his pain, and hopefully also slowly erasing it.

" _Holy fuck_  Gerard," Frank sputtered out as soon as the song had ended, his eyes going wide as he stared at Gerard in shock. "I didn't know you could sing?"

"Oh - uh, well yeah...I guess," Gerard stuttered out. "I'm not very good, but I like doing it, I used to be in a lot of plays -  _musicals_  actually, but my parents forced me to stop because they thought it was distracting me from my studies, so I mostly just sing in the shower now -"

Gerard was suddenly cut off by a warm pair of lips melding against his own, whatever he had been saying instantly flying out of his head as Frank kissed him fiercely, his guitar pressing into Gerard's side painfully, but Gerard didn't really give a fuck about that right now, because this kiss was unlike anything he had ever experienced before, and  _yes_  - he had kissed Frank a hell of a lot by this point, but this was different, this kiss contained an element of something special, something intense, something  _beautiful_ , something that Gerard couldn't quite name, but if he had to put a word to it, he would have said that Frank was kissing him with love behind his actions.


	21. Gerard Is Willing To Give His Life To Prove The Existence Of Heat Cells

Frank immediately became obsessed with Gerard's singing voice after their impromptu duet, and even though Gerard was uncomfortable with it at first, he was quickly discovering that all of the things that previously had him shaking with nerves faded away whenever Frank was around, and seeing Frank's face light up every time Gerard would break out into song was more than worth the slight case of jitters that came before opening his mouth.

Gerard had never really thought he had that great of a voice; he knew it was  _okay_ , but it wasn't anything special, nothing like Frank's, and even though Gerard had always harbored a secret love of performing which had never died out from his days in middle school, it had been so long since anyone had encouraged him, since anyone had actually  _wanted_  to listen to him, but Gerard found himself liking the newfound attention from Frank, and as long as his audience only consisted of his boyfriend, Gerard didn't mind loosening up and letting Frank hear something that had once been so private for him.

Frank never pushed Gerard though, it was like he could tap into whatever frequency that Gerard's mind projected on, and he knew exactly when to back off, and when to nudge him forward slightly. Frank instantly sensed that Gerard was becoming nervous when he attempted to get him to continue singing that first day, so he had changed tactics instead, continuing their spur of the moment make out session until Gerard's anxiety had ebbed completely.

But in little ways, Frank motivated Gerard to keep singing, switching to songs that Frank knew Gerard took a liking to when he had his guitar out, making it almost impossible for Gerard to keep his lips pressed together, no matter how stubborn he was, and just like wearing skirts, it got easier each time, and before long, Gerard gave in to Frank's subtle hints, allowing his voice to escape outside of the confines of his shower.

Gerard was well aware that this was just another way Frank was trying to help him, and it was  _working_ , just like everything Frank did. Even though this had to do with his voice, and not his physical appearance or his gender identity, it was still a way to encourage Gerard to love himself more, and it didn't take Gerard long to become convinced that he was a halfway decent singer, and he wasn't anywhere near as ashamed of his hidden hobby as he had been a few months ago.

But as much as Gerard enjoyed singing, it was nothing compared to singing with Frank; he even found himself asking Frank to join him on numerous occasions, his ears craving the melding of their contrasting tones, the way they seemed to overlap perfectly, the beauty produced from this union much more wonderful than anything Gerard could ever create on his own.

Gerard became unnaturally inspired by this sudden addition of music into his life, the notes and melodies following him home where he would transpose them onto a different medium. He began working on a new set of paintings, the focus being Frank's original works, which Gerard had made Frank play for him numerous times, trying his best to convey the story, and the sorrow, and the passion behind Frank's words with paint. He hadn't shown Frank his most recent project yet, but he was planning on doing so as soon as he was finished.

Gerard had never been so driven to create before, and even though his work was half started at best, he could already tell that it was going to be his best series yet, and they might even sell for a good amount of money if he managed to find a show, not that he could ever consider parting with them, this was something that was going to stay in-between him and Frank, no matter how much Gerard could use the extra cash.

The urge to have his fingers around a paintbrush had gripped Gerard especially strong today, work had dragged on torturously long as he counted down the minutes until he could return to his beloved creations. Gerard had instantly rushed to his canvases as soon as he had gotten home, too excited about continuing his project to bother changing out of his work clothes, or to check his phone, or anything like that, choosing instead to lose himself in the colors, and the strokes, and the rush he got when inspiration struck him this heavily.

Gerard most likely would have stayed in his art room all night, his back hunched over his canvas, paint splatters staining his shirt, and his face, some had even gotten into his hair, but finally, the sound of loud knocking at his front door awoke him out of his dream-like state, snapping Gerard's head up quickly, his eyes darting around when he realized that dusk had fallen while he had been otherwise occupied.

"Just a second," Gerard called out as he rushed over to the sink in his kitchen, hurriedly washing away whatever paint he could reach before scurrying into the entryway, quickly attempting to fix his fucked up hair in the small mirror hanging on the wall before tugging the brass handle open, revealing exactly who he had hoped it would be.

"Hey honey," Frank grinned, stepping inside instantly without waiting for Gerard's consent, the action causing Gerard's hurt to flutter softly in his chest, because it meant Frank felt at home here. "I'm sorry for just showing up, but you weren't answering your phone, and I brought leftover Chinese food from our favorite place." Frank held up a tupperware container to prove his words, the movement revealing a camera hanging around his neck, the expensive item protected by his oversized parka.

Gerard smiled at the sight, because he adored Frank's photography, and even if he wasn't actually viewing any of his pictures at the moment, there was just something about the way Frank looked with the device nestled close to his body - it  _fit_  him, like it was made to be there, it completed something within Frank, it made him happy, and by a matter of association, it made Gerard happy as well.

It seemed as if Frank had tapped into his creative passion around the same time Gerard had, and it was rare to find him without his camera lately. According to Frank, it had actually been Gerard who had made him pick the device back up, the old photos he had hanging in his room were from his time taking a film class in college, and Frank had never thought he would rediscover his love for seeing the world through a lens, but after Gerard had marveled over his old prints, Frank felt the desire to add new shots to his collection, and Gerard noticed an additional light in Frank's eyes recently because of it.

"You have perfect timing, I just realized I am starving," Gerard groaned, rubbing his stomach eagerly as Frank headed into the kitchen to heat up the food.

"I'm not surprised, you always forget to eat when you are painting," Frank giggled, his back turned to Gerard as he fumbled with the microwave.

"Yeah I know," Gerard hung his head in a false act of shame before beginning to search for some clean plates for him and Frank to eat off of. "So what have you been up to?" Gerard asked with his head halfway stuffed in a cabinet, genuine curiosity oozing from his tone. This was one of the rare days that Frank and Gerard hadn't spent together, and Gerard always liked hearing about what Frank did when he was left to his own devices.

"Not much really, just a few boring errands, but then it started snowing earlier, so I went outside to take pictures of it, and I may have purposely found my way over here so I could feed my boyfriend," Frank chuckled, sucking one of his fingers into his mouth to remove some sweet and sour sauce from the digit.

"You have to show me your photos after we eat, I love winter scenery, I just don't like the cold that comes with it."

"That's because you have no body heat you dork," Frank teased, even though he truly wasn't exaggerating; Gerard was always chilly, no matter how many layers he wrapped around his small frame.

"It's not my fault, maybe it's like a genetic defect, and I wasn't born with the necessary cells to keep me warm."

"There is no such thing as heat cells honey," Frank shook his head as he removed the now steaming food from the microwave, shoving Gerard out of the way gently so he could begin loading their plates up as Gerard went on a secondary hunt for silverware, because even though Gerard lived here, he didn't spend much time in his kitchen, and everything seemed to be rearranged every time he came into the small room lately, which he was relatively certain had something to do with Frank's almost constant presence in his home.

"I refuse to believe that until you show me proof," Gerard shot back, quickly dancing out of Frank's reach when he tried to nudge him playfully with his hip.

"I'm always right, there's your proof," Frank smirked when he successfully managed to back Gerard into a corner, their food forgotten for the moment as their lips met lazily in a slow kiss.

"That's not fair," Gerard whined when they pulled apart, "just because you are a good kisser doesn't mean you are always right."

"Well I say it does," Frank winked, kissing Gerard once more quickly before turning around and placing their plates on the table. "Now come on, eat up, maybe skipping meals is what is killing your heat cells."

" _Ah_  - I win, you admitted that heat cells are real," Gerard crowed around a mouthful of fried rice, almost choking himself in the process, but if proving the existence of heat cells ended in his death, at least he would have lost his life for a worthy cause.

"Okay fine - I give up, heat cells are real." Frank raised his hands in a sign of surrender, chuckling to himself under his breath as he began digging into his own food.

A few minutes passed in silence, both men too hungry to bother wasting their mouths on anything other than eating. Gerard sighed happily as he caught Frank's gaze from across the table, because he really loved moments like this, these cheesy, domestic snapshots that he never allowed himself to hope for, but now he had all of that, and even better, he had it with  _Frank_ , and  _fuck_  - Gerard must have been a saint in another life or some shit to deserve this overload of joy.

"Hey Gerard," Frank spoke up, and Gerard instantly caught on to the nervous edge to his tone, and the way he was shifting slightly in his chair, Frank's odd mannerisms causing Gerard's previous good mood to escape him despite his best efforts to grasp onto it with reaching fingers.

"Yeah..." Gerard responded warily, his heart rate accelerating as his mind jumped to worst case scenarios, but  _no_  - Gerard wasn't going to listen to the negative portion of his brain, because he refused to think that way right now, he didn't want to ruin this perfect evening, so with a grimace that was meant to be a smile, he forced himself to hear Frank out before he assumed anything.

"I - I have something to ask you, and you can totally say no, but it would really mean a lot to me if you would consider it." Frank inhaled deeply, his hands lacing together on the worn wooden tabletop before he continued speaking. "They are having a special night at the club soon, sort of like a showcase of the best acts, and I want to do something new for it,  _so_...would you maybe think about performing a duet with me?" Frank ended on practically a whisper, his pleading eyes locking with Gerard's for one moment before he glanced away nervously.

Gerard stayed silent as he processed Frank's request, because even though his initial reaction was to say no -  _fuck_   _no_ , absolutely not, he forced himself to do what Frank had asked, allowing his mind to ponder the question for a moment, truly giving himself time to weigh out the pros and cons of this before he shot Frank down.

The negative sides of agreeing were obvious, and they mainly rotated around Gerard's anxiety, and  _yes_  - he had been getting better with that, but only in small things, and this wasn't small, not at all - this was heavy, this was substantial, this was  _terrifying_ , and despite the progress he had made, Gerard wasn't ready for this, it was too large a leap for someone who had just barely learned to walk.

Gerard had only recently become comfortable with singing in front of Frank, and there was no fucking way that Gerard could force himself to get up on stage, in front of  _hundreds_  of people and attempt to emulate what Frank did so flawlessly. He would make a fool of himself, everyone would laugh at him, and Frank would finally see what a failure Gerard was, then he would leave him, and Gerard would be left alone once again, his heart shattered upon the stage where he had first discovered it.

But there was a part of Gerard that was actually considering this, a secret, hidden part of him that had always yearned to be in the spotlight, the side of him that still remembered the childlike wonder that came along with being a performer, who recalled the indescribable, wonderful ache that erupted in his chest as he stood in front of an applauding crowd, and if he did this with Frank, he could dress up, he could hide himself behind layers of makeup and clothing, which was just another love of his, combining three things he enjoyed all in one setting: singing, woman's clothing, and Frank.

Not to mention, Frank  _wanted_  this - this was important to him, maybe more important than Gerard would ever know, and even though Gerard was well aware that Frank would never actually be angry at him for saying no to this -  _in fact_ , he seemed to be expecting that exact response, Gerard didn't want to watch Frank's face fall as the two letter word escaped his lips, he didn't want to live with the guilt that would follow him around for ages if he turned Frank down.

Gerard could physically sense the anticipation hanging in the air as Frank waited patiently for Gerard's answer, and even though Gerard knew he should never do something just to make another person happy, especially if he wasn't comfortable with it, he  _wanted_  this, or at least - a part of him did, and if he got up on that stage with Frank, it would bring them even closer, it would let Gerard experience Frank's world first hand, and that was something Gerard had always desired, he felt it when he sang along to Frank's music, but he knew this would be better, so much more intense, so much more  _real_.

"I -  _okay_ , I think I want to."

Gerard barely heard himself speak, but he knew he had, he had said _'yes'_ , even though  _'no'_ was the much more logical response, and  _fuck_  - he wasn't sure if that had been his intention, he hadn't even really taken that much time to come to a decision, but the words had escaped him as if they had a mind of their own, as if the old Gerard, the Gerard from middle school, the Gerard who hadn't yet been beaten down and broken had possessed his body and forced his hand without his consent, but even though Gerard flinched softly when he heard the word break the heavy silence, he had no desire to take his answer back -  _not yet_  anyway.

" _Really_  - you are serious, and you know you don't have to say yes - this is a lot to ask, and I don't want you to feel forced into anything..." Frank trailed off suddenly, his eyes raking over Gerard intently, searching for any signs of falsity, or fear, but for once, he came up with nothing.

"No, I really do think I want to try this...you will help me right, you will be with me the entire time?" Gerard asked hopefully, because maybe he could do this, it wouldn't be that much different from leaving the house in a skirt, the same principles applied at least, so if he kept his eyes on Frank the entire time, maybe he would be okay.

"Of course -  _I swear_ , I'll do everything I can to make this easier on you, and you can back out any time," Frank reassured Gerard quickly, his gesturing hands knocking his forgotten fork off the table with a small clatter.

"I don't think that will happen, I - I'm actually excited about this," Gerard chuckled shyly.

"I was hoping you would be, I remember the way you got when you saw all of my outfits, and this is the perfect opportunity to let you have a small taste of it without forcing you into any major commitments," Frank smiled, the corners of his lips stretching further than Gerard could ever recall seeing them reach, the accompanying laughter lines highlighting Frank's face in a flattering manner.

"I'm going to do this, I'm going to get on stage - with  _you_ , wow..."

"You are, and it's going to be incredible, I just know it," Frank sighed in a dreamy fashion, his chair squeaking slightly as he pushed it aside, crossing the small distance separating him from Gerard before wrapping his arms around him gratefully.

Gerard relaxed into Frank's hold instinctively, smiling against Frank's chest as they rocked back and forth slowly, the ambience in the air acting as a mental block to all of Gerard's fearful thoughts, because right now, in Frank's arms, there was no room for negativity, it simple couldn't exist at this moment in time, and Gerard did his best to hold on to the fleeting feeling, because he knew he would need the remembrance of it in the days that would soon follow.


	22. A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words But Gerard Only Wants Three

Gerard collapsed onto Frank's abnormally comfortable mattress with a loud sight, his muscles finally relaxing after a long day of practicing for their rapidly approaching performance; Frank had convinced him to come to the club at the ungodly hour that was six in the morning, Gerard only agreeing once Frank explained that this meant he could practice on stage without any patrons filling the large room, a halfhearted smile tugging Gerard's lips upward when he spied Frank waiting for him at the backdoor with two steaming cups of coffee clutched in his tattooed hands.

And even though Gerard had been terrified once the wooden platform that he would be showcasing himself on in less than a week came into view, despite the fact that no one was watching him, once Frank began singing, Gerard's vision had narrowed down to nothing else except for his boyfriend, his voice joining Frank's instantly as they glided across the polished wood floor smoothly, any mistakes that occurred were quickly laughed off, leaving Gerard no time to dwell on the negative emotions that were still lurking underneath his happy veneer.

Once Gerard had gotten over the initial shock of what he had agreed to do, he dedicated all of his free time to preparing, because if Gerard was going to make a fool out of himself, he was going to try and minimize the damage as much as he possibly could, startling himself, as well as Frank with his sudden rush of enthusiasm.

They hit a snag straight off the bat though in the unexpected obstacle which was a song choice; Gerard had been dead set on performing one of Frank's original pieces, that's what they usually sang together, so he was flabbergasted when Frank stubbornly refused, stating that participating in a duet was already a strange enough anomaly for him, and he wasn't ready to expose his personal compositions to anyone that wasn't Gerard quite so soon.

And Gerard understood in a way, because Frank's lyrics were a window into his soul, they were gritty, and raw, evoking so many emotions that Gerard found himself on the verge of tears multiple times when listening to them, but even though Frank's reasoning made sense, Gerard still sulked when he found out that he wouldn't be by Frank's side when his music took its first stage appearance.

Frank quickly mollified Gerard with his suggestion for a different piece, because Gerard was a sucker for Queen, and when Frank mentioned performing Somebody To Love, Gerard's eyes lit up like fireworks, the fact that Frank had picked that particular song giving him a staggering rush of hope that almost brought him to his knees, because maybe Frank meant something more by what appeared to be nothing but a casual selection, and maybe Frank was trying to say with lyrics the three words that Gerard secretly ached would fall from his boyfriend's lips one day.

The song seemed to be perfect for their contrasting voices, and Gerard found himself belting it out as soon as Frank brought it up, Frank somehow instantly melding into the impromptu performance, both of them knowing instinctually when to switch off, and when to let the other take the lead.

Gerard had a much harder time with the choreography though, because dancing was not his forte, eventually forcing Frank to cater the routine much more heavily on his side, leaving Gerard to simply look pretty and maybe shake his hips every now and then, and despite Gerard's constant apologies and offers to try to add a bit more to his embarrassingly unembellished moves, Frank simply smiled broadly when Gerard voiced his worries aloud, assuring Gerard that what he was doing was more than he ever expected, and he could stand there like a statue for all that Frank cared as long as he was willing to partake in this show with him.

But no matter how much Gerard was enjoying himself once he began to loosen up, nothing would ever compare to the feeling of being wrapped up in the sheets that smelled like Frank, his boyfriend pressed against his side affectionately, both of them exhausted by their early awakening on a weekend, which were typically spent wasting the morning hours away in bed instead of being actively busy.

It had been worth it in the end though, because Gerard was finally starting to feel competent, like he could actually pull off his side of the performance, and Frank's ecstatic grin when Gerard had eventually forced himself to mount the rickety stairs which led to the stage had pushed the internal grumbles reminding him that he could still be slumbering peacefully to the back of his mind, not to mention the emotional hardships that came along with dragging himself outside of his comfort zone in such an extreme manner.

"Have I told you how fucking amazing you are today?" Frank mumbled sleepily, his nose tickling Gerard's sensitive underarm as he burrowed deeper under the covers.

"Probably, but one more time doesn't hurt," Gerard chuckled smugly, his joints popping as he stretched his arms high above his head, wrapping himself around Frank once he had finished his lackadaisical motions.

"Well you are, and I -" Frank paused suddenly, his cheeks tinting red as he squirmed awkwardly, causing Gerard to loosen his hold so Frank could find a more comfortable position, "I'm really excited for the show."

"I think I am too, I just wish no one had to be there besides you," Gerard giggled weakly, trying to coat a gloss of humor over his one remaining fear, because  _yes_  - he was doing okay so far, but who knows how he would react when he was faced with a crowd, when he had a thousand eager eyes staring up at him -  _fuck_  - Gerard was sweating just thinking about it.

"It will be fine honey -  _I promise_ , you won't even be able to see anyone, the stage lights blind you, so everything becomes a big blur, and you can't pick out individual faces unless they are right up front."

"Oh - well that doesn't sound so bad," Gerard smiled, stopping his teeth from gnawing on his bottom lip as Frank's hands curled around his neck slowly.

"You are going to do great, I just know it," Frank whispered softly, his eyes fluttering shut as he pressed his lips against Gerard's chapped ones gently.

Gerard hummed happily into Frank's mouth, his stomach tingling slightly as Frank shifted to the right, blanketing Gerard's body with his own as their tongues began a lazy dance together, the lack of urgency to their movements somehow emphasizing every minute detail of the moment, allowing Gerard to experience the brush of Frank's hand against his cheek in what appeared to be slow motion, every sensation becoming amplified and even more intense in Gerard's pleasure filled mind.

That same overwhelming feeling of some deeper emotion underlying Frank's affectionate actions rose up in Gerard's mind once again, which had been happening much more often lately, even though Gerard still didn't have the courage to ask if Frank was detecting the same thing he was, but  _still_  - there was something special there, something more than two people swapping spit; it was heart stopping,  _electrifying_  even, and Gerard had decided to translate it as a silent  _'I love you'_ , even if that wasn't what Frank was trying to convey.

Gerard would have been more than pleased with spending the rest of his day kissing Frank, but something caught his attention on the opposite wall when his lids opened for a brief second, and even though it didn't register at first, once Gerard realized what he was viewing, his eyes snapped wide as saucers, his mouth disconnecting from Frank's with a soft pop as he sat up suddenly, startling Frank with his unexpected withdrawal.

"How long has this been here?" Gerard pointed to what had captured his interest, scooting forward on his knees until he had reached the edge of the bed so he could get a closer look at the new photos adorning Frank's walls where a band poster had once hung; Gerard couldn't remember which one exactly, but he didn't spend much time pondering what was missing - it was so unimportant in comparison to the prints that had taken its place.

Gerard's heart began racing in his chest as his eyes danced over the pyramid shaped collage, because it was composed of pictures of  _him_ , some that he remembered Frank taking, but many of them were candid shots that Gerard had been completely unaware that Frank possessed, showcasing Gerard in numerous states, from him grinning up at something, to him fast asleep on his couch, to him painting, and everything in-between.

Gerard had never been a fan of being caught on camera, but he had always acquiesced when Frank asked to take a few photos featuring Gerard in them, because it made Frank happy, and Gerard hadn't bothered to inquire about the fate of the film containing his face, so he had no idea what Frank had done with them, until just now that is, and Gerard was in awe over how Frank had captured him.

Gerard looked, for lack of a better word -  _amazing_ , so much better than he viewed himself, as if Frank had managed to filter him through his own eyes, instead of just a lens, and Gerard finally began to understand what Frank saw in him for the first time since they had gotten together, the physical evidence sinking in like a stone, while Frank's explanations of why he had been drawn to Gerard still floated somewhere on the surface of his brain.

But even with this newfound acceptance of his image, the best pictures by far in Gerard's opinion were the few that contained both him and Frank; most of those shots were blurry, caused by the fact that Frank had been holding the camera out at arm's length to encompass the two of them, but it added a strange sense of beauty to the prints, reminding Gerard of the fuzzy sensation that traveled throughout his bloodstream every time Frank kissed him.

"Oh...uh for a few days, maybe a week," Frank chuckled, his cheeks tinting bright red as he joined Gerard at the foot of the mattress. "It doesn't freak you out... _does it_ , I mean - it's sort of embarrassing, but I like having a reminder of you when you aren't here."

Gerard wracked his brain furiously, trying to recall if he had been in Frank's room within that amount of time, because he was positive that he would have noticed the artistic smattering of photos before if he had, but he really couldn't remember, and even if he had, he was usually asleep during the hours he spent in Frank's bed, either that, or he was too busy being occupied by Frank's hands and mouth to waste time staring at the walls; it didn't matter though, because Gerard had seen them now, and  _fuck_  - he couldn't seem to stop looking.

A soft hand coming to rest on his thigh jolted Gerard out of his statue-like state, and that was when Gerard realized that Frank was still talking, his frantic murmurs finally piercing his eardrums as he shook his head slowly, forcing himself to return to reality so he could answer Frank's earlier query.

"Frank..." Gerard whispered, the one word drawing out longer than usual as Gerard continued to stare, his eyes widening as he examined each individual shot, his grin growing each time he located one with Frank in it, his favorite involving a scene that he must have been asleep for, showcasing Frank cuddled up by his side with a soft smile on his face as he looked up into the camera.

"I was going to show it to you earlier, but I sort of forget with the excitement of our performance, and I can totally take them down if it makes you uncomfortable -"

"I love it," Gerard cut Frank off quickly, recognizing the signs that Frank was actually getting anxious for once instead of Gerard, breaking the tension of the moment by tackling Frank gently, his body tangling around Frank's as they collapsed onto the mattress. "It's amazing -  _seriously_  Frank, it's perfect, and you are perfect -  _okay_?" Gerard punctuated each word with a soft kiss to various parts of Frank's face, lingering on his lips until he felt Frank relax underneath him.

Frank separated from Gerard slowly, that grin that Gerard would never get tired of gracing Gerard's vision before Frank buried his face in Gerard's neck, mumbling something incoherent against Gerard's skin as he clutched to him tightly.

And even though Gerard couldn't be sure, it had sounded like Frank said something along the lines of _'I love_   _you'_ , but  _no_  - Gerard was just projecting his hidden desires onto this situation, because there was no feasible way that Frank had said that -  _was_   _there_?

Gerard let Frank stay where he was for a few seconds before curiosity overwhelmed him, his body titling to the left slightly so Frank was now lying on top of Gerard, freeing his mouth from the mess of blankets underneath them so his voice would be more audible.

"What was that Frank?" Gerard asked, a hysterical giggle laced with nerves escaping his mouth when Frank dug his fingers into Gerard's shoulders so he wouldn't lose his balance and go toppling back onto the bed, his head slowly lifting up from its current hiding place so he could look Gerard directly in the eyes before immediately glancing away.

"I - I said," Frank stammered softly, his eyes darting back and forth frantically as he tried to avoid Gerard's stare, and Gerard was struck once again by the realization that Frank was afraid -  _terrified_  even, but that didn't make sense, unless what he had whispered into Gerard's skin had been something bad, something that Frank hadn't meant to let slip past his lips while Gerard was present.

"W-what's wrong...did I do something?" Gerard asked warily, his emotions feeding off of Frank's, his hands becoming clammy as he waited for Frank to answer him.

"No honey...not at all," Frank inhaled deeply, his irises becoming unfocused as Frank apparently sunk deep into his thoughts. "I said...I think I love you," Frank heaved out all at once, his words emerging jumbled and mashed together, but Gerard still understood him, even though his brain had yet to process the fact that Frank had just said the one sentence that Gerard had been biting back for the past few weeks, his earlier hopes that Frank had in fact uttered that exact same thing doing nothing at all to prepare him for actually hearing the sentiment voiced aloud.

"You...you  _think_  - or..." Gerard pressed softly, even though all he wanted to do was say it back, the words practically burning the inside of his mouth as he did his best to keep them contained, but he had to make sure that this was real before he opened his heart up to Frank completely.

"I do -  _fuck_  Gerard...I love you so fucking much, and I know it's way too soon to be saying this, but I can't help it, because I do, I  _know_  I do, so please don't freak out. It's okay if you don't feel the same way, it won't bother me, I -  _fuck_  Gerard...say something -  _anything_." Frank's ramblings stuttered to a halt as he finally met Gerard's eyes; fear, and honesty, and what could only be labeled as love swirling together in his hazel irises.

Gerard snapped his mouth closed with a soft click, the fact that his jaw had been hanging open failing to register until just now, because Gerard had been too caught up in Frank's expulsion of emotions to pay any attention to himself, or to  _respond_  even, but now he could, now he could finally release the secret that he had been holding inside his chest for far too long.

"I love you too,  _fuck_  - I have for a while, I thought... _fuck it_  - I love you Frank," Gerard cut himself off with an obnoxious high pitched laugh, joy fizzing inside of his bloodstream as he let the three words that he wasn't certain Frank would ever be ready to hear sound out loud and clear, but now it was happening, and even better, Frank had said it  _first_ , which was not something that Gerard had ever allowed himself to imagine. The shock of this whole situation was slow to wear off, adding a surreal edge to the proceedings that made everything appear like an ending from the fairy tales Gerard had adored so much as a child.

" _Oh thank god_ ," Frank whispered, more to himself than to Gerard before pinning Gerard to the bed with his weight, kissing him fiercely as all of the previous tension drained out of both of their bodies.

Gerard gasped loudly into Frank's mouth, every nerve ending in his body setting off all at once as Frank blanketed him with his skin, the pressure causing hot spikes of desire to awaken in Gerard's stomach, the sensation overflowing rapidly, leaving Gerard breathless and aching, every muscles in his body craving Frank as close to him as it was humanly possible to get.

"Frank," Gerard whined when Frank pulled away, his heart beating erratically as Frank tore off his shirt before latching onto Gerard's neck eagerly. "I - can I...I need you." Gerard's hips shifted forward, allowing Frank to feel how hard he had become in the last minute.

"Okay - yeah,  _fucking hell_...I love you," Frank grinned as he spoke, almost a smirk actually as Gerard groaned softly in pleasure caused by the way Frank couldn't seem to stop proclaiming his newfound affection.

"I love you too,  _please_  -" Gerard cut himself off with a choked moan when Frank's hand slipped into his pants, his large palm wrapping around his already leaking cock firmly.

"Say it again," Frank begged, his lower half pressing against Gerard's leg that was currently in-between his thighs.

"I love you," Gerard whimpered, his eyes going wide as he watched Frank's body visibly shudder, an expression of pure bliss washing over his face as he started to stroke Gerard slowly.

"Can I show you how much I love you...can I -" Frank seemed to run out of words just then, gesturing instead to Gerard's jeans, which were already unzipped, his erection pushing up against the straining fabric insistently.

"Yes -  _oh god_  Frank, I want to be yours," Gerard pleaded, a searing wave of lust spiking in his belly when he realized that Frank wanted this too, that Frank was ready to fuck him -  _finally_ , but this would be different, just like their kisses were different now that another emotion had been added to the heady cocktail which was composed of the way they already felt for one another, and the thought had Gerard panting heavily, his skin heating up as Frank's fingers traced random patterns over his exposed stomach.

"I will, just - let me," Frank gasped as Gerard leaned up suddenly, capturing Frank's mouth in a fierce kiss, showing him with his actions how much he wanted this, how much he  _needed_  this, and the pressure of his lips seemed to erase the last of Frank's doubts, if he was even still harboring any by this point.

Frank melted against Gerard readily, their bodies fitting together better than they ever had before, and as much as Gerard ached to feel Frank inside him  _right now_ , he wanted to take this slow, he wanted to remember every single second of his first time with someone who loved him, his first time with Frank.

Gerard knew this experience would render all of his other sexual encounters paltry and insubstantial, Frank was erasing everyone that had come before him, transforming Gerard into a blank slate that only Frank would ever be allowed to leave his mark on.


	23. This Wasn't Supposed To Get Emotional But It Did

"Frank... _oh god_  - please, I'm gonna come, I - I don't want it to be like this," Gerard gasped loudly, his spine arching off the bed as Frank's three fingers pressed firmly against his prostate, the hot spike of pleasure causing Gerard to writhe back and forth, half of him was attempting to escape the overwhelming sensation, the other side of him trying to shove down against Frank's hand as hard as could until he came.

"Are you sure...I haven't stretched you for very long, and I don't want to hurt you," Frank panted softly, his digits still deeply embedded inside Gerard as he posed his question.

"You won't," Gerard whined, his body finally relaxing as Frank removed his fingers from Gerard, his back collapsing against the mattress as he gulped down air nosily, trying to push away his rapidly approaching orgasm as Frank reopened the almost empty bottle of lube, his eyes fluttering shut as he coated the condom encasing his dick with a heavy layer of the clear substance.

"You ready?" Frank asked warily, his eyes dancing over Gerard's face in a searching manner, looking for signs of unease or fear, at least, that was what Gerard assumed he was doing, but there wasn't a trace of any negative emotions in Gerard at the moment, only love, and desire, and desperate need.

Frank still didn't move though, and as much as Gerard loved this caring, gentle side of Frank, he was also becoming frustrated with it, because he wasn't a virgin, and Frank was acting as if he hadn't fucked Gerard with a vibrator just last week, and even though Gerard knew that this was different, this was  _making love_  - as cheesy as that sounded, but Gerard was seriously going to come in the next few minutes, and he would really rather do that with Frank inside of him.

"If you ask me that one more time, I will slap you," Gerard chuckled, adding a teasing lilt to his tone, even though he was only half joking.

"Okay, okay, just -  _promise_  you will let me know if I need to stop," Frank demanded, his hooded eyes meeting Gerard's sternly, a serious expression passing over his face as he spoke, almost like a shield, hiding whatever Frank was truly feeling from Gerard in that moment, and Gerard didn't like that at all. 

Gerard nodded solemnly, his mind finally beginning to realize that Frank wasn't kidding around here, and that this meant a lot to him, and even though this wasn't the time or the place for an intense conversation, Gerard couldn't hold back the question that bubbled from his lips as soon as he noticed Frank's distress, because he knew he wouldn't be able to enjoy himself nearly as much if he was worried about Frank the entire time.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Frank shrugged his shoulders quickly, his gaze darting away from Gerard's instantly, but Gerard still managed to catch the way Frank's mouth had turned downward into a frown, and now he was one hundred percent certain that something was eating away at his boyfriend.

"Frank," Gerard whispered, his torso pushing up off the bed so he could wrap his arms around Frank, engulfing his boyfriend's smaller frame with his own. "Talk to me...what's wrong? You know we don't have to do this is you don't want to," Gerard offered when Frank began trembling minutely in his embrace.

"No... _I do_ , I just want to make sure you are okay. I mean - I know we have done a lot of stuff, but this is different, I want it to be special, and I can't stand the thought of hurting you," Frank sniffled quietly, his nose pressed against Gerard's collarbone in a manner that could only be uncomfortable for him, but Gerard didn't attempt to move his boyfriend for the time being, he was too preoccupied with the implication of Frank's words.

"Frank...has - has anyone ever done that to you,  _hurt you_  I mean," Gerard questioned softly, his muscles tensing up as he waited for Frank's reply.

" _No_  - I mean, not really, I wasn't raped or anything...just - I, I've bottomed a lot in my life, and it's very rarely been good, not at first, and I know you haven't had sex in a while...and I - I guess I'm just scared that I'm going to fuck this up. I don't want this to be painful for you, I want it to be  _perfect_ , and now I've already ruined everything, and -"

"Frank...baby," Gerard cooed, his hand tilting Frank's chin up so he could look him directly in the eyes. "This is already perfect, and you want to know why...its because I love you, and that changes everything. I don't know how to explain it to you, but  _fuck_  - even our kisses are so much better than they used to be, and I know this will be too, because I'm doing this with someone I care about - someone I  _love_ , and who loves me back; that hasn't happened to me before - not  _ever_ , and I want this Frank, I want this with you,  _so_  badly, and I know this is going to be the best sex I've ever had."

"Yeah?" Frank asked shakily, his irises regaining that soft sparkle that his previous nerves had obscured completely.

"I promise, but if you aren't ready for this, we can wait. I didn't know how important it was to you, and I don't want you to rush into anything." Gerard clenched his teeth as he spoke, because  _fuck_  - he wanted Frank inside of him so badly, he was fucking  _shaking_  with the desire to be as close to Frank as two human beings could get, but if Frank wasn't one hundred percent certain that he wanted this, then Gerard wasn't going to press the issue.

"No - I'm okay now. I'm sorry for getting so emotional, I just - I have had some pretty bad experiences in the past, and I really needed to hear you say that," Frank chuckled weakly, his lips connecting with Gerard's in a gentle kiss that quickly grew needy and passionate.

"I understand Frank, but trust me, I really like to bottom, and  _yes_  - sometimes it can be painful, but it's always worth it, and I know you would never hurt me," Gerard reassured Frank one more time when they pulled away for air, wanting to make sure that Frank went into this free of all doubts.

"I know, and it's not like all of the sex I've had has been terrible, I'm just not really a bottom I guess, and I didn't want you to feel pressured into anything."

"You know I always want something up my ass Frank, I've had your fingers, your tongue, and now I want your dick," Gerard giggled cheekily, trying his best to give their somber conversation a lighthearted spin.

"That is true, so it's only fair I give you the entire package," Frank teased back as Gerard laughed even harder, Frank's use of the word _'package'_ sending him into a fit of chuckles that had his sides aching by the time he could breathe again.

"So will you please fuck me now?" Gerard grinned when he regained the ability to speak, his hips tilting upward slightly in a silent invitation that Frank would hopefully accept without any reservations.

"Yeah - just a second," Frank groaned, his hands quickly squeezing a bit more lube into his palm before applying another layer to his cock, smearing the excess left on his fingers around Gerard's quivering entrance when he was finished.

"I love you baby," Gerard gasped when Frank moved in-between his legs, placing one of Gerard's ankles on his shoulder so he had better access.

"I love you too," Frank exhaled heavily, his eyes closing as he pressed the head of his cock against Gerard, pausing there for several moments before he began to push in slowly.

" _Oh fuck_ ," Gerard muttered, his fists clenching in the sheets as Frank gained inches inside of him, his stomach pooling with desire as he was stretched wide open.

"You okay?" Frank asked, his forward motion stilling as his hands began rubbing feather light circles into Gerard's hips.

"So fucking okay," Gerard moaned, pushing back against Frank readily so he would have physical proof that Gerard wanted him to continue.

" _Fuck_  honey - you are so fucking  _tight_ ," Frank muttered, soft groans escaping his mouth as he sank inside of Gerard completely, his pants for air ringing out harsh and loud, mingling with Gerard's own gasps for oxygen.

"Frank - I need you to move," Gerard whined after a few seconds had passed, even though  _yes_  - he wasn't completely adjusted to Frank's girth yet, and there was still a bit of pain when Frank shifted slightly, but that was to be expected; Frank was bigger than Gerard's dildo after all, and it didn't hurt,  _not really_  - the burn barely registered next to the exquisite feeling of being so fucking full.

"Okay -  _oh fuck_ , give me a second," Frank shuddered softly, his eyes rolling upward as he pulled out just as slowly as he came in, which had Gerard wondering how long it had been since Frank had last had sex, because he was obviously struggling not to come already, but before he could ask and ruin the moment with another personal question, Frank pushed back in, deeper this time, brushing Gerard's prostate in the process, and then all the thoughts in Gerard's brain flew out the window, being replaced with only curse words and Frank's name.

" _Ahh_  fuck," Gerard cried out, his hips tilting upward in the hopes of putting more pressure on his spot. 

"Right there?" Frank asked, a hint of pride tinging his tone as Gerard's high pitched exclamation tapered off into a low groan of satisfaction.

"Yeah," Gerard gasped, a startled moan leaving his mouth as Frank pressed in harder, rubbing his cock back and forth against Gerard's prostate in a teasing fashion.

"Feel good honey?" Frank smirked, his arms coming up to wrap around Gerard's back, pulling him into a sitting position on top of Frank's lap, and  _fuck_  - this angle felt so much better, Gerard was practically keening as Frank slipped even further into him, his stomach muscles tensing up as he tried to hold himself together.

"So good -  _please_ , faster," Gerard begged weakly, his fingers tangling around the back of Frank's neck as he lifted himself up slightly, beginning to work himself on Frank's cock until he got with the program.

" _Oh god_ ," Frank whimpered, his hips snapping up to meet Gerard's downward motion, a soft scream leaving Gerard's mouth as his prostate was hit dead on.

"Please," Gerard pleaded, his body rolling against Frank's cock fluidly, soft cries leaving his mouth every time Frank moved. "Please don't stop."

"I won't honey," Frank promised, his grip around Gerard's waist tightening as he increased his pace by a small fraction, releasing another dirty cry from Gerard's mouth as Frank pushed inside him.

And even though their pace was slow, and Gerard had significantly calmed down after their serious conversation, he felt so close already, each brush of Frank's cock against his insides was igniting the fire in his belly to a new height, his nerves screaming out in pleasure as their skin slapped together softly, Gerard's dick pressing against Frank's stomach insistently, the friction of the sweat soaked skin against his length causing an almost painful ache that had Gerard shuddering violently, his ass clenching around Frank as his boyfriend moaned loudly.

And just when Gerard thought he couldn't feel any more pleasure, not without spontaneously combusting that is, Frank moved one of his hands in-between them, wrapping his callused fingers around Gerard's cock firmly, his thumb digging into the slit as Gerard cried out nosily.

"Ah -  _please_ ," Gerard heaved out, leaning forward suddenly to catch Frank's mouth in a fierce kiss, his tongue slightly dry from having his jaw hanging open for so long, but Frank quickly changed that, their kiss becoming slick and heavy as Gerard's nails dug into Frank's shoulders to stabilize himself.

"I love you so much," Frank murmured against Gerard's mouth, his hot breath brushing Gerard's cheek as he pulled Gerard's body down harder, causing Gerard to throw his head back, his spine arching as the ecstasy in his veins began boiling over suddenly.

"Fuck Frank...I'm close - more,  _fuck_ ," Gerard whimpered, his hips bucking upward, alternating between chasing the pleasure of Frank's hand and pressing himself back against Frank's cock.

"Can't - gonna come," Frank choked out, his hand tightening around Gerard's length as his thrusts lost some of their rhythm, Frank's thighs trembling beneath Gerard as he groaned under his breath.

Gerard shifted slightly, pushing down even harder against Frank, making sure his prostate was being hit each time Frank bucked up into him before latching his lips onto Frank's neck, sucking gently before increasing the pressure of his mouth, letting his teeth graze over Frank's sweaty skin in a teasing manner.

"Please," Frank begged, his voice cracking at the end of the word, and Gerard didn't need to decipher what Frank meant -  _he knew_ , so he bit down hard, letting his sharp canines sink into Frank's nape as Frank jerked suddenly, his entire body tensing up as cried out loudly, his motions faltering, but not ceasing as he came hard, his hand still working Gerard slowly as he let out a tortured groan of satisfaction.

Gerard clutched to Frank tightly, his thighs trembling wildly, his body so close to the edge it physically hurt, and with one finally nudge to his prostate, Gerard was coming suddenly, his orgasm taking him completely by surprise with its intensity, every nerve ending in his body firing off all at once as Gerard muffled his moans against Frank's neck, his hot come shooting in-between their naked bodies as Frank stroked Gerard through his orgasm, the sudden rush of pleasure zapping every ounce of his strength, and he would have fallen to the mattress if it wasn't for Frank's hold around his middle.

"Oh my god," Frank whispered quietly once his hips had stopped twitching, shifting their position so he could lay Gerard down gently, causing Frank to slip out of him, leaving Gerard feeling empty but extremely sated.

"I love you," Gerard rasped out when Frank had finished disposing of the condom and had returned to Gerard's side, instantly wrapping himself around Gerard in a tangle of sweaty limbs and soft kisses pressed to wherever Frank's lips could reach.

"I love you too." Gerard didn't even need to see Frank's face to tell that he was grinning, he could hear it in Frank's tone, and Gerard was sure that his expression matched Frank's exactly.

"That was perfect," Gerard sighed happily, burying his head in Frank's hair as Frank continued to smother him with affectionate brushes from his mouth and hands.

And Gerard wasn't lying, or saying that just to appease Frank's fears, because it really was; that had been the best sex he had ever experienced, and what made it even more special was the gentle pace to it, because no one else could have gotten Gerard off that easily, no one but  _Frank_ , and Gerard knew it was only going to get better each time, making him look toward the future with eager eyes and a swelling heart, his love for Frank floating in the heated air surrounding them, wrapping Gerard in a blissful state that he never imagined he would ever experience.


	24. Somebody To Love

"I can't -  _please_  Frank, I'm just...I need a drink, or a brain transplant, or  _something_ ," Gerard babbled, his mouth spitting out words without any thought being put into what he was actually saying, he was too panicked to bother with that right now. "Did you see all of the people, there is so many of them,  _oh god_  - I'm going to fuck up."

Gerard knew he was overreacting, full on diving off the deep end actually, but he couldn't help it, not after he had gotten a good view of the large amount of people filling the small club, and the sheer numbers had astounded him, as well as driven him into the hysterical state he was currently in. Gerard came here every Wednesday night, so he had assumed he knew what to expect, but the fact that this was a special event had slipped his mind, apparently everyone else had remembered though if the dense swarm of bodies in the main room was anything to go by.

"Honey, come here," Frank ordered, one of his eyebrows rising up sternly when Gerard didn't move from his hunched over position in the corner, " _please_?" That got Gerard in action, because he could never ignore that pleading tone when it came from Frank, not even when he was on the verge of an anxiety attack.

"I'm sorry, I'm okay...I think." Gerard's legs trembled as he reached Frank's side, but as soon as Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's dress covered frame, he felt himself relaxing, his lungs finally allowing some oxygen to enter them without any resistance in the way for the first time in far too long.

"I know you are scared Gerard, but it's going to be okay, I've got you," Frank murmured soothingly, one his hands pressing against the back of Gerard's head, encouraging him to bury his face in Frank's neck so he couldn't focus on anything besides the sweet smell of the perfume Frank had sprayed on the both of them earlier.

Gerard had been doing a pretty decent job of not freaking himself out until about thirty minutes ago, the preparation for the big night of their performance had kept his mind occupied from the fact that this was actually happening, that he was going to perform on stage  _dressed in drag_ , but now that there was nothing to do but wait for their turn, Gerard was quickly losing his slippery grip on his anxiety, and he honestly wasn't sure if he was going to be able to make it to their show time without having a breakdown.

But he couldn't do that, not after he had come so far, not after Frank had put so much work into this; Gerard refused to let his boyfriend down, but that was easier said than done, and Gerard wasn't sure how to calm his nerves besides drinking himself into a stupor, but he knew that was a bad idea, even without the disapproving looks he had received from Frank when he had been eyeing the bar longingly earlier.

"When do we go on again?" Gerard asked, his words muffled against the soft fabric of Frank's dress, but he was unwillingly to move just yet, because for the first time all night, Gerard felt safe,  _protected_  even, and maybe if he stayed in this position until their names were called, he could do this after all.

"Maybe half an hour, you are almost there honey," Frank responded in a soothing tone of voice, his body swaying back and forth minutely as he held Gerard as close to him as humanly possible.

"Okay, that's not too bad, I just...I think I need to sit down," Gerard gasped out when he made the mistake of lifting his head up, a glimpse of the crowd filling his vision for a split second before he hastily looked away again.

"Don't pay attention to them honey, just focus on me, listen to my voice," Frank whispered as he led Gerard to a nearby bench, tactfully situating their seating arrangements so Gerard's back was turned to the mass of people behind them, making sure he could only view Frank unless he craned his neck around, which he definitely wasn't going to do. "See, that's better right?" Frank asked warily, his eyes dancing over Gerard in a nervous manner as he spoke.

"Yeah...I really am sorry, I'm ruining everything aren't I?" Gerard chuckled weakly, because he could tell his mood was rubbing off on Frank, and as much as he hated dragging his boyfriend down with his own insecurities, he couldn't stop himself from reacting this way.

"No honey...not at all. I know I am asking a lot of you, but you are doing so well, and once the music starts playing, everything else will fade away, I promise."

"I know...I just want this to be over with," Gerard sighed, his hands intertwining with Frank's as he tried to think about something else besides how terrified he was -  _anything_  really, and the first thing that came to mind was how stunning Frank looked. "You're really hot," Gerard blurted out, his brain to mouth filter had completely disintegrated by this point, but Gerard was much less embarrassed of his random word vomit now, at least when it happened with Frank.

"Yeah? So are you, like  _really_  fucking hot - I might even make you wear this outfit home," Frank smirked wickedly, his eyes sparkling in that way that made Gerard's blood heat up as Frank's gaze roved over Gerard's body.

Gerard blushed heavily under Frank's praise, and for once, he didn't think it unfounded, because he felt pretty good in what he was wearing, which was a slinky black dress with interesting cutouts and a lace sleeve that Frank had picked for him last week, the added padding and excess makeup giving him the appearance of a biological female; Gerard had been speechless when he first caught sight of his appearance in the dressing room mirror, and Frank's approval only added to that fuzzy feeling that filled Gerard's chest whenever he glanced down at himself.

But no matter how great Gerard thought he looked, Frank blew him out of the water, the green dress he had chosen made his eyes pop, not to mention his body looked fucking  _fantastic_ , and Gerard found his brain wandering down the same route that Frank's had, and if they hadn't been in public, Gerard would probably be on his knees right now, his hands clutching at Frank's fishnets, his mouth -

"Hey guys, you ready for your set?" a familiar voice snapped Gerard out of his not so PG thoughts, his face darkening an ugly shade of red as Rainne and Brendon approached them, causing Gerard to squirm uncomfortably as if they could somehow read his mind and see the vivid fantasy he had been envisioning.

"I think so," Frank answered, shooting Gerard a worried glanced after responding.

"I'm good...just  _nervous_ ," Gerard smiled halfheartedly at his friends who had just finished their performance not too long ago. Gerard had unwisely decided to step out into the main room to watch them, but that had only increased his anxiety, and he hadn't even made it halfway through their song before scuttling backstage to hide away in the relative safety of Frank's dressing room until he had calmed down a bit.

"I know how you feel Gerard - _seriously_ , you should have seen me the first time Brendon convinced me to perform with him, I was basically shitting my pants, but you will have Frank by your side the whole time, and it makes it so much easier having someone you love up there with you," Rainne beamed reassuringly.

"Frank keeps saying that, and I know you guys are right, it's just all this sitting around, it's driving me crazy," Gerard admitted.

"Well we can fix that," Rainne smirked playfully, and even though Gerard was slightly nervous for what she had in mind, he would go swimming in a pond full of alligators right now if it took his mind off of the panic attack looming directly in front of him. "Let's play  _'never have I ever'_  until it's time for you to go on."

"What the hell is it with you and that game Rainne, it's for teenagers," Frank scoffed playfully, but he didn't protest when Rainne dragged Gerard to his feet, causing Frank to stand up as well because of their linked hands.

"It is not - it's  _fun_ , and it will keep Gerard occupied, plus I think a few shots might help him relax."

"No shots," Frank protested, and as much as Gerard wanted to argue with him, he knew his boyfriend was right, "but I suppose sipping on a beer wouldn't hurt anything," Frank relented, much to Rainne's delight.

"Perfect, Bren will you go get us some drinks?" Rainne smiled up at her boyfriend lovingly, and that was all it took for Brendon to scuttle over to the bar without a backward glance as the rest of them moved into a more secluded corner that was still close enough to the stage that they would hear when Frank's name was called.

~~~

Gerard wasn't sure how much time had passed before the manager approached them, letting Frank know that he and Gerard had two minutes before their set, but it had flown by; Rainne's distraction technique had worked wonders, leaving Gerard calm and mostly composed, his worries now pushed far enough away that they weren't threatening to swallow him whole at any moment, and the few beers he consumed had probably helped as well.

"Okay Gee," Frank grinned when he used Gerard's drag queen name, he had decided to keep it simple, just like Frank's, and Gerard really liked the way the abbreviation sounded rolling off of Frank's tongue, "this is it, I know you are going to kill it up there, but if you ever get lost, just let me lead, and I'll help you get back on track."

"Okay - I'm ready, and Frankie...I love you," Gerard murmured softly, his arms wrapping around Frank's neck as he pulled him in for a quick kiss, trying his best not to smudge either of their lipstick.

"I love you too honey," Frank smiled against Gerard's mouth.

And then there was no more time for words, because Gerard and Frank were being ushered on stage, the bright lights instantly blinding Gerard as soon as he stepped out onto the wooden platform, but he forced himself to keep moving, only stopping when Frank did in front of the microphone.

"Hey honeys, I want to introduce you to someone very special to me - this is Gee, and she is going to be singing a duet with me tonight. This is her first time doing anything like this, so let's show her lots of love okay?" Frank shot Gerard a reassuring smile as he waved weakly to the crowd, even though he couldn't really see them just like Frank had said, but he could hear them, and they were cheering for him, which was just the confidence boost Gerard needed right now.

Frank stepped back a bit, and Gerard followed her motions, getting into their predetermined positions as the speakers crackled into life, a few hoots and hollers ringing out from the crowd when they recognized the song as soon as Frank sang the opening line to 'Somebody to Love'. Frank nodded imperceptibly to Gerard in a way that he interpreted as a question asking if he was ready, and Gerard returned the gesture; Gerard meant it too, because he actually was feeling okay now -  _more_  than okay even, all of his earlier fears had been replaced by pure adrenaline, and Gerard couldn't remember the last time he had felt so empowered.

And when Frank began vocalizing with more fervor, Gerard knew for sure that he could do this, because this was just like their practices, and it was easy to pretend that it was just him and Frank up there, that they had dressed up only to please each other, and that they were singing simply because they enjoyed it.

Gerard's voice flowed seamlessly with Frank's at the appropriate time, and even though he had been terrified about opening his mouth in front of someone who wasn't Frank -  _hell_ , he hadn't even sang for Brendon and Rainne yet, he found himself projecting loudly, his high pitched tone ringing out proudly as Frank swayed by his side, his stiletto heels almost bringing him to Gerard's height.

The music flowed through Gerard's bloodstream like a drug, imbuing him with a sense of invincibility that only alcohol had ever given him before, and Gerard found himself breaking out of his shell, his hips swaying to the beat as he sashayed around on stage with more confidence than he had ever shown in their previous run-throughs, earning himself a startled smile from Frank in the process.

And as Gerard continued to sing his heart out, he felt tears filling his eyes, not ones caused by anxiety, but happiness instead, because  _fuck_  - Gerard had never imagined he would be doing this, that he would find the courage to dress up in drag and expose himself in such a personal way to so many people, but he  _had_ , and it was all because of Frank.

When they reached the end of the song, Gerard couldn't resist breaking their routine so he could pull Frank closer to him, whispering the final lines into his boyfriend's ear, because he really had found somebody to love, and he was the most perfect person on the face of the earth.

"Thank you all for coming, you were wonderful, as always," Frank beamed as the crowd erupted into a loud round of applause, "and a huge thank you to Gee for agreeing to do this with me." Frank gestured to Gerard, allowing him to take center stage as he grinned widely, his hand coming up to press against his painted lips as he blew the crowd a kiss, the sound in the room reaching a deafening volume, almost as if the entire world was cheering for Gerard in that moment.

Frank and Gerard preened under the attention for a few more moments before Frank tugged on Gerard's hand, sending the crowd one last wave before they disappeared behind the curtain, where they were greeted with another wave of congratulations, this time from the other performers.

Gerard was borderline hysterical with relief as he accepted a bodily hug from Rainne while someone that Gerard thought was Brendon patted him on the back; Frank had slipped off to the far corner, he was talking to someone that Gerard recognized as the club owner, but before Gerard could try and meet up with him, he was pulled in the other direction by the gaggle of people surrounding him.

In a way, Gerard couldn't believe that the song was over already, because it had been this huge, intimidating event in his mind, but once it had gotten started, everything had happened so fast, ignoring the dragging build up that is, but the actual performance had flown by in the blink of an eye, and Gerard was having trouble adjusting to the sudden changes in atmosphere.

"You two were amazing," Rainne squealed loudly, her words almost becoming lost among the other murmured compliments by everyone else backstage, some of who Gerard didn't even recognize, but there were a few faces that had become familiar to him over the past couple of weeks.

"Thank you so much," Gerard replied, his head spinning as he tried to disentangle himself from the press of bodies so he could make it over to Frank's side once more, he wasn't even sure how they had gotten separated, but luckily for him, Rainne and Brendon seemed to notice his distress, and they quickly helped him force a path over to where Frank was standing, his attention still being occupied by the same man.

Whatever Frank and the owner had been discussing came to a close before Gerard could reach him though; Frank was spinning around as soon as they shook hands, his eyes instantly lighting up when he caught sight of Gerard behind him, and much to Gerard surprise, Frank suddenly launched himself into Gerard's arms, his hands clinging around his neck as one of his high heels fell to the floor with a soft clatter.

"Hello to you too," Gerard chuckled fondly after he had regained his balance that had been teetering precariously from Frank's impromptu attack.

"Oh my god - you were  _perfect_ ," Frank exclaimed, his grip on Gerard tightening when he began to slip, the soft fabric of their dresses making their position difficult to maintain. "That was even better than I hoped it would be, and I wasn't the only one who thought so."

"Oh yeah?"

"Mhmm - that was my boss, Mr. Hoppus, you remember him right?" Frank waited for Gerard's nod of affirmation before continuing. "Well he loved our act, and he said he would pay us double my normal salary anytime you perform with me - not that you  _have_  to do this again of course, but I just wanted you to know, because that's a huge compliment. He's pretty picky about who he lets perform here full-time, and the fact that he likes you is -"

Gerard cut Frank off with a messy kiss, he just couldn't help it, Frank's excitement and energy was contagious, and Gerard had to expel some of his own before he burst. Frank seemed to have the same idea if the way he kissed back instantly was any indication, his eyes fluttering shut as Gerard backed them up against the closest wall carefully.

And even though Gerard knew he had been a bit rude shutting Frank up like that, and he probably wanted an answer from Gerard, or at least an _'I'll think about it'_ , but right now, Gerard could only focus on Frank, and how hot he looked in green, and how much he loved him.

"Please keep your clothes on," Brendon remarked just when Frank's hands had been edging dangerously close to the hem of Gerard's dress, the sudden reminder that they were indeed in public shocking Gerard back into the present as he pulled away from Frank quickly, setting him back on his feet gently before covering his blazing cheeks with his hands.

"You are one to talk Bren," Frank retorted playfully as he hopped over to retrieve his lost shoe, his eyebrows waggling as his gaze danced in-between Brendon and Rainne.

"True," Brendon shrugged unapologetically before pressing a sloppy kiss to Rainne's cheek.

"Seriously though, do you want to get out of here?" Frank turned back to Gerard, his blown out pupils dancing with anticipation as he waited for Gerard's response.

"You don't want to watch the rest of the acts?" Gerard asked, mostly out of courtesy, because all Gerard wanted was to go home and drag Frank into bed, but he didn't want to pull Frank away from his friends prematurely.

"Usually I would, but it is going to be hard to concentrate with  _this_ ," Frank gestured downward, Gerard's eyes widening in shock when he caught sight of Frank's erection pushing up against the fabric of his dress.

" _Oh_  - yeah, okay, let's go," Gerard stammered out, his own body beginning to respond to seeing Frank in such a state, his boyfriend's arousal somehow made so much hotter by the fact that he was in a dress.

After exchanging a quick goodbye with Brendon and Rainne, Gerard blushing even harder when Brendon began making suggestive hand gestures behind Rainne's back, they navigated their way down the crowded hallway as quickly as possible, apologizing profusely to the few people they accidentally bumped into in their hurry to vacate the premises.

"Don't change," Frank ordered when Gerard began ducking into the dressing room.

"Fucking hell," Gerard groaned out, accepting his coat from Frank when he thrust it in his direction, not even bothering to pick up his street clothes on the way out, they could come back for those tomorrow, or the next day.

"You look so fucking hot Gee...can't wait to fuck you," Frank basically growled as he tugged on his own jacket, throwing his scarf around his neck haphazardly before practically ripping Gerard's arm off as he hurried out the back door into the chilly air.

"Seriously Frank -  _shut up_ , I don't want to walk home with a boner," Gerard whined, but it was already too late for that, his cock had instantly sprang to attention once Frank's dirty promise had reached his ears.

"Well I am, so you will have to deal with it too." Frank paused suddenly, reeling Gerard in for an unexpected kiss filled with teeth, and tongue, and  _so much need_. "But seriously Gerard, thank you for tonight, it really meant the world to me, and I would like to do it again sometime if you are ever up for it."

"I'm really glad I did it, it was..." Gerard paused, trying to come up with the right word for the feelings he had experienced on stage, "it was fucking _incredible_ , and I would love to do that again with you," Gerard admitted softly, because now that he was over the initial hurdle, Gerard really could see himself up on stage once more, it had felt natural, like he was  _meant_  to perform, and even though Gerard doubted he could do it every week like Frank did, he definitely wanted to try his hand at it again.

"I love you so fucking much," Frank sighed happily, their lips connecting a second time before they started walking in the direction of Frank's apartment quickly.

"I love you too," Gerard giggled quietly, his heart threatening to beat its way out of his chest as Frank squeezed Gerard's hand that was clasped in his own gently.

"Hey  _freaks_  - get off the street," a voice called out, pulling Gerard from his Frank centered world for one moment when he realized that the man was talking to them, and it was only then that Gerard remembered that he and Frank were walking down the streets of New York in drag.

"Oh fuck off," Gerard yelled back before he could second-guess himself, because for once, he wasn't embarrassed about who he was, or what he was wearing, and the rude comment hadn't affected him in any way, because it didn't matter what other people thought of him, not as long as Gerard was happy, Frank had helped Gerard see that, and it was finally starting to sink in.

"Wow honey," Frank turned to Gerard once he had finished flipping the guy off, "I'm really proud of you."

"So am I..." Gerard mused thoughtfully, his feeling of satisfaction growing when the man simply walked off in the other direction, leaving the two of them in peace once more.

"You know you look beautiful right?" Frank spoke up after a few seconds of silence, and even though Gerard typically ached to hear compliments from his boyfriend after incidents like this one, he didn't need Frank's words this time, even though they were always welcome.

"Yeah I do actually - I feel  _amazing_ , and that idiot is just jealous because he will never get a girl who is anywhere near as hot as the two of us."

"That's right honey," Frank grinned, that full toothed smile that Gerard would never get tired of seeing, especially when he was the cause of it.

Feeling bold, Gerard laced his arm around Frank's waist, leaving his coat unbuttoned so everyone could see his feminine apparel, and for once, Gerard wasn't afraid to meet the eyes of passerby's, he wasn't constantly on edge, his body wasn't tensing up every time someone opened their mouth, because they could say whatever they wanted to him, but it wouldn't change who Gerard was inside, which was an awkward fuck who loved woman's clothing, but not as much as he loved Frank Iero, and after years of searching, Gerard had finally found what made him truly happy.


	25. Epilogue

"You don't know how happy it makes me when I come home to find you here," Frank grinned up at Gerard as he took a bag of groceries from Frank's overburdened arms, quickly placing it onto the counter before Frank dropped them all over the tile flooring  _again_.

"I've been living with you for almost a month Frank, I'm not going anywhere," Gerard teased as he located the eggs, storing them in the fridge so Frank wouldn't have a chance to get his hands on them, the poor things always ended up broken somehow if Frank so much as touched them.

"I know," Frank scoffed, "but it still makes me happy."

"Good, I always want to make you happy." Gerard chuckled to himself at the corny content of his comment, but Gerard had come to accept that he was one cheesy motherfucker, and Frank seemed to enjoy his clichéd lines at least.

"Oh wow - did you finish the last one?" Frank exclaimed, the remaining grocery bag he had been holding falling to the floor with a soft thump as Frank spun around, causing Gerard to wince over the fate of whatever food had been in it.

But when he followed Frank's gaze to the other side of the room, all thoughts of smashed groceries were forgotten, because Frank had noticed Gerard's most recent painting, his final piece in the set that was focused entirely on Frank's original songs. He had eventually caved and shown Frank the first few once he had completed them, and Frank had begun hanging them up in his apartment as soon as he found out what they meant and that they were intended for him.

But it wasn't just Frank's apartment now - it was  _Frank's and Gerard's_ ; Frank had finally asked Gerard to move in with him about four months into their relationship, and Gerard didn't even have to think twice about his answer. He and Frank were always spending time at one or the other of their places anyway, so paying two sets of rent was really just a waste of money, not to mention Gerard had been dying to ask Frank that very same question for ages, but as always, Frank had beaten him to it.

But Frank hadn't seem to expect Gerard to say yes, so he had a whole speech lined up, which Gerard had listened to patiently when he realized there was no way he could get a word in edgewise, Frank kept talking over him whenever he tried to vocalize anything, but when Frank had mentioned that Gerard would be able to quit his job at Cartoon Network if he wanted, because Frank made more than enough to cover the rent, which would leave Gerard free to focus on painting, or whatever he wanted to do, his ears had perked up instantly, and Gerard had to resist the urge to call his boss right then and there to give him his resignation over the phone.

_"Really Frank - you wouldn't mind, and I swear - I will get another job if my art doesn't sell, I would never mooch off of you," Gerard exclaimed happily, finally managing to cut Frank off, two of his fingers pinching the fleshy skin next to his thumb to make sure that this wasn't some vivid dream, even though life with Frank was sort of like existing in a fantasy in many ways._

_"Don't worry about it Gerard, I know how much you hate that job, and I just want you to do something you love okay - money doesn't matter to me."_

_Frank was right about Gerard's current situation, because Gerard had escalated from low-key disliking his job to full on despising it in the past few months, any hopes of being promoted had been crushed out of him, his boss barely even looked his way anymore, and Gerard had given up entirely on ever introducing his ideas to a larger audience; before today, he had been resigned to working a boring desk job until he died - or snapped, but now he had another chance to follow his original plan of making art for a living, and it was all because of Frank._

_"Okay - yeah, I'm going to quit," Gerard smiled broadly, the happy expression almost hurting his face as he beamed up at Frank adoringly._

_"So does that mean you will move in with me too?" Frank had prodded gently, his feet scuffing against the carpeted floor in a nervous gesture that almost had Gerard laughing out loud._

_"Of course you dumb fuck, as if I would ever say no to that offer."_

Living with Frank had been even better than Gerard had imagined; he had assumed that nothing much would change since they were together almost twenty-four seven anyway, but it had, in the  _best_  way possible. There was just something incredibly heartwarming about sharing a home with Frank, and Gerard knew he would never get tired of waking up with Frank's sleep tousled head nestled against his chest in the bed they now shared together every night.

Frank had even cleaned out his old office that he never used so Gerard could set up an art studio within it, and Gerard found himself more inspired than he had been in years, he almost couldn't keep up with the images inside his head, and much to his surprise, his paintings were  _selling_  - not all of them, and not for large amounts of money, but the funds he received for them was more than enough to help cover his half of the rent.

Gerard also continued to perform with Frank occasionally, especially when he went through a stretch where no one seemed to want his paintings, because despite Frank's protests, Gerard wanted to contribute monetarily, and his initial anxiety at being on stage ebbed every time he forced himself up onto the wooden platform, he even found himself missing the colorful dresses and loud applause when he went for long periods of time without singing at the club.

"Yeah I did - just last night actually," Gerard grinned proudly as Frank ogled his newest masterpiece. "You can move it if you want, I just put it in here since the living room is getting pretty full."

"It's perfect Gerard," Frank whispered, finally tearing his eyes away from the painting so he could face Gerard once more. " _You_  are perfect."

And really - everything was perfect, at least for Gerard, because here he was, living with his boyfriend who he loved with all of his heart, making money doing something he truly enjoyed, with his anxiety and self-hatred basically a thing of the past, and Gerard could never express that to Frank in words, but he didn't have to, because Frank already knew exactly what he was trying to say.

"I love you," Gerard murmured, his hands capturing the sides of Frank's face so he could pull him in for a gentle kiss.

"Do you love me enough to unload the rest of the groceries? I printed off some more photos that I want to add to our collage."

"I don't know...that's a pretty high level of love there," Gerard teased.

"Please?" Frank pleaded, his bottom lip sticking out in that way that should have make him look ridiculous, but it somehow didn't, if anything, Gerard found it insanely attractive.

"Yes you dork, but calm down with your photo wall, it's going to take over the whole room any day now." Gerard forced his face into an expression of false irritation, but Frank wasn't even looking at him anymore now that he had received the answer he wanted to hear.

"Well maybe I want your face all over our room," Frank retorted playful as he dug through one of the discarded bags, emerging with a stuffed envelope clasped in his tattooed hands.

"Oh - the real thing isn't good enough?"

"It is, but you can never have too much of a good thing," Frank grinned, kissing Gerard quickly on the lips before sprinting off toward their bedroom as if Gerard was going to try and stop him from plastering any more prints onto the already crowded wall space.

Gerard chuckled to himself as he began separating the refrigerated items out of the paper bags, a wide grin splitting his face in two as Frank began singing, his voice resonating down the short hallway, the tone only slightly muffled by the time it reached Gerard's ears. Gerard's heart swelled as he began bobbing his head to the tune, and he hurried to put away the rest of the food so he could join his boyfriend in the bedroom -  _their_  bedroom, and maybe they could put on a private performance for their eyes only.


End file.
